Happy Father's Day.

On my Facebook page in the wee hours of the morning I put up a post thanking two men in my life for being amazing surrogate dads. 

It is my very, very firm belief that any fuckoff can deposit some sperm and create life.

To be a real dad? That takes some serious talent.

My grandpa isn't my blood, but he sure as hell is my family. He is one of three people that I try to make proud every day I take a breath. He had a hand in raising me, and I hope he feels that he did a good job by me.  Honestly I do everything I can to see him (and my grandma) as much as possible.  It terrifies me with the way his health is lately, last year he survived lung cancer.... but his health isn't isn't the greatest.  It took everything I had yesterday not to dissolve into tears when that news was dropped on me.  I"m scared.  I"m terrified of losing my dad.
He said to me at my cousin's wedding that we would still get that father daughter dance at my wedding, when I have a chance to do it right.  I had said to him back then "I hope so." simply because I didn't know then that a second marriage would even be possible for me. .... I had no idea how strong that "I hope so" would become in the last two years.  I put out as much good karma and energy as I can so I can get some back and send it his way.  I want him healthy, I want all of my grandparents seeing 100.
Not yet.  Not anytime soon, please. The thought alone tears me up inside.  Please.

The second man I honored in that post was the man that loves me day in and day out, the strongest he's ever loved anyone before.  The amazing Mr in my household.  He's more of a dad to my kids than their father is. I bought him a watch for father's day and gave it to him this morning.  He was stunned speechless. told me I didn't have to do that.  I just shrugged and said "I know, I wanted to though." He said, if anyone should have gotten him something it probably should have been the kids.  I nodded and said "They told me what to get, the girls remembered your watch had broken, and saw the picture in the Kohl's ad." He just stared at the watch for a minute or so, then slowly looked at me before saying "I feel weird about this." I just shook my head and told him he shouldn't, because he deserves recognition on Father's Day for helping me raise my kids.

And speaking of the asshole that supplied half of their genetics...

I got some damn good news from my lawyer on Friday.  The Magistrate that we've been waiting on for 10 months has FINALLY made a decision.  TEN MONTHS since our final court date to the damn day. I'm awarded custody of the kids, and as long as he doesn't pull some massive appeal out of his ass I'll be divorced in two weeks.  I"m appealing only for sake of getting jerk-off's weekday visitation moved to Wednesdays at 5 because of my 6 year old's gymnastics class she wants to take at the Y is at 5:30 on tuesdays (Have to be a y member to get her in, which he's not) and I"ll be in class until 4:30 on tuesdays starting in August. And new school, new hours.  Kids don't get home until some days, almost 4:30 from the bus.  and I"m tired of wasting my gas running all over creation to pick them up to be at the drop off spot by 4. Circumstances change. 

A part of me wants to sit down with jerk off after the papers are signed, and I'm back to my maiden name. I want to call him out on ALL of the B.S. that I never had the courage to call him out on when we were together.  It's like closure for me.  I want to tell him I know he lied to me through our entire relationship.  He lied about who he was the entire time.  Because of a letter he wrote me when I first left, he says that he pushed his beliefs aside so he wouldn't scare me away.  He didn't let me see all of him because it would turn me off to him.  Nice. I want to call him out on know EXACTLY what he was doing when he advised me to give a note to my best friend in high school then just walk away.  He knew it would cause me to lose every friend I had and be alone with no one to turn to but him.  I want to call him out on knowing I didn't love him anymore, on knowing that I wanted nothing to do with him, and yet for all the times he and I talked and I wanted HIM to fix what was wrong he twisted it around on me and manipulated me to believe it.  I want to tell him I know that the only reason why he kept accusing me of cheating was because he was doing it himself and he projected his guilt onto me.  I want to tell him how he killed me inside, how he murdered me from the inside out, and he loved the person he wanted me to be, not who I was.  I want to look him right in the eyes when I call him a manipulative piece of shit. I want him to understand that I know what he's doing to the children.  How he's twisting them and poisoning them just like he did to me, and because I have a stable loving environment for them, they will quickly find out and understand what he's doing as well.  And then when that happens they won't want to be near him anymore. 

I want to make sure he understands he has two choices with his life.  He can either step up and be a real fucking dad to them, and stop trying to buy their love, or within four years his oldest won't want to be near him any longer.  She's a hell of a lot more out spoken than I ever was, and I'm going to nurture the hell out of it.  I don't want her afraid to say anything or of hurting someone because she needs to say something.  I want her to be selfish when the times call for it.I sure as hell was never selfish.  and even to this day I still think about everyone else before I think about myself.  I'm working on that.  I'm trying to think about what I want before I think about what everyone else wants.

There's still a shit ton of healing to do, but with Brian's patience, understanding, and guidance I'll get there.  He's stitching up every wound slowly but surely.  I've become a new person since meeting him, and... I really like this person.

Feel a bit like Caboose.... "I like me." ... But I do. I like me a lot. Out spoken, don't care who the hell I offend, it's my opinion, and you can bite me. I'm not timid anymore, --- not like I was.... I'm finding my steps as a "single" parent.  fighting against their father's influence to raise GOOD kids who know who they are. Not broken shells that are merely copies of their father. I"m getting there.  It's a long road to walk down, but I"m getting there.