Saturday, July 18, 2015

Total Divas; She Said, She Said

Sho. My thoughts on the most recent Total Divas -- at the end there'll be my reasoning as to why it's taken me so long.

With Wrestlemania getting closer, the Eva drama heated UP. Trinity is taking Eva's side, telling the girls none of the blow up was necessary. ....

Uhm.... WHAT?! 

Let's see here Trinity, You're a WWE Diva as well. You want a shot at that title too. You don't get to be home either, you've had to make sacrifices, you've paid your dues too, WHY THE FUCK are you standing up for her? 

Brie's storyline nearly had me sobbing like a baby. She tells Nikki she's two weeks late for her period, and thinks she's pregnant. But yet back at home... she realizes that she's started, and omg my heart broke. 

She really wants to be a mom and it's so heart breaking to see her cry because she isn't. So Nikki and the Bella's mom tell Brie to just go get tested. And if that isn't the funniest scene EVER.... Brie's gotta go up into the stirrups we ladies know as the torture chamber, but Daniel... He's gotta get it up and jizz in a cup. 

I would be the one sliding of out his chair... bwahahaha

See?! Brie finds it just as hilarious as I do!!!! He manages to do the deed even with the cameras right outside the door.... *snigger* Then later on I'm guessing before Smackdown before Wrestlemania, Stephanie McMahon comes up to them and explains that in the Hall of Fame, they're doing a new award. 

The Warrior Award, and they're inducting Connor Michalek a young boy who had a brain tumor and wanted nothing more than to meet Daniel Bryan. They honored that wish, brought him in, and I watched the video of him meeting all the stars, punching Triple H and pinning him, and hugging Daniel. This kid was awesome, and my heart broke when I watched the Hall of Fame and heard that he'd passed. Stephanie said that she wanted Daniel to be the one to induct little Connor

That little one truly deserved that honor. Break my heart WWE... go on. 

I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry...

But Paige's storyline through the episode was great. 

She hung out with Alicia Fox, and from last season, that's always a fun time! Those two are so hilarious together. Foxy picks her up and they head off to find Paige a dress to wear to the hall of fame. And Paige gets to learn that it was Trinity that told Eva about their discussion of her private training.... 

Girl I agree!! 

Foxy gets a stylist into the hotel room and Paige starts trying on dresses. The red one, omg, horrible. REALLY bad, I mean REALLY bad. Foxy said she looked good, but no honey, the black one looked the best. THEN... Foxy decides to bring in a spray tanner, and gets Paige to agree to do it, I was dying laughing at that scene. 

Is that Renee Young? 

They all go out to eat, Foxy, Paige, her lover boy, another of the divas and her date, then Trinity and Jon Uso join up. Trinity starts in on how them all coming at Eva was uncalled for... I think Foxy's expression says it all. 

And I REALLY can't wait to see Foxy throw that drink in Trinity's face as was in the preview. Bitch is deserving it. 

Finally the best moment of the episode was when Foxy and Paige are out shopping still for a dress for Paige, and Foxy goes into a shoe store boring the hell out of Paige so our pale goddess goes out onto the sidewalk for some fresh air when she comes across a fan of hers who is in tears. 

"Are you okay?" she asks. 

"I love you so much!" the fan says. "Because of you... I was able to overcome my eating disorder." 

Oh.... My.... GAWD.... 

And Paige is so taken back that she doesn't even know what to say. Lots of hugs are exchanged, and omg, they slay me. 

Not a lot happened in this episode, but I covered the highlights :) 

Now.... onto the reason why I've been absent. 

For a long time my grandpa has battled Lung cancer. He had surgery, and we thought he'd gotten past it. though about this time last year it came back with a vengeance. He restarted chemo, but the option for surgery was out. I believe he refused it. This man was like a dad to me. I remember back when my cousin got married, I pulled him out onto the dance floor to dance with him, and confessed that I was worried that I would never get another shot at love. That what I had was going to be it, and I would never get the father daughter dance with him. 

His words to me. "Yes you will, honey. You will because you're loveable, and anyone that can't see that in you and your kids are a waste of your time. We will get that father daughter dance." 

Seconds later, this picture was snapped of us: 

At that moment, I was trying so hard not to cry. Seeing that picture now, I still have to try so very hard not to cry. It brings up so many emotions, emotions that I had back then, ones I have now... 

July 11, somewhere between 5:00am and 7:00am he took his final labored breath. 

I was able to see him about 8 hours before and oh my... he had gotten so bad, so weak. I knew it in my heart that he was leaving this world. 

He meant so much to me, I'm not certain he ever truly understood how much he meant. I might not have been there enough the past year... it's because I was scared. I didn't want to admit that the man that was supposed to be immortal was very and truly mortal. I regret not being there more, and showing him how much I loved him, but it was how I coped, and I think he knew that. I hope he understood. It hurt my heart to see him deteriorating, and my grandmother, oh my all the Gods in the heavens, how amazingly strong she is! I cannot imagine the toll the last year has taken on her heart. 

That grief has settled like a very tangible weight on my heart, and I'm fighting to find acceptance in it. To know deep in my soul that he's okay now, he's not hurting anymore, and that's okay. That he passed, and it's okay. It's okay because he's not in pain. He's not struggling for breath. 

But I did get to tell him how much I love him. I got to hear him say that he loved me too. 

But I miss him. I miss him so much that it hurts. 

He was my buddy, my Gramps, my Paw Paw, 

My very first steps were taken to him. and see how proud he was of me? That tells me he was proud. 

See a pattern? Always by his side. This man meant so much to me, and still does mean so much to me. And for him to not be here anymore. I can't call him and say "Grandpa, I need your help.", I can't watch my girls form a deeper bond with him like I had... It's... indescribable. I can't even put into words how much that hurts. 

I love him so much, he will always be with me, even if it's not in a corporeal way. 

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Diva Drama

So, like I said in my last post, I'm in LOVE with the WWE Universe. I love the matches, and everything attached to it. I used to be this into it when I was like five and my man was Hulk Hogan. 

I kinda have an obsession with Total Divas too. 

I'm gonna give my two cents on the season 4 premiere today. 

First, I'm gonna start off with the Nattie storyline. 


Nattie wants a new look, she wants to switch things up, and who could blame her? She's fucking fantastic. Sometimes, yes, she can be overly dramatic and out there, but on S4E1 she is rethinking her look. She even goes to a sex toy shop... and Nattie... honey, never touch a butt plug again... 

But then... going shoulders deep into researching this new look she wants to have, Nattie invites a dominatrix into her home, and this woman... I have to wonder if it WAS a woman, holy hell. 


This woman was crazy. Took TJ down and was ordering him around, seemingly without even asking permission. I think any Domme would know better than to not get permission before doing some shit like that. that was horrible. But Nattie's new look is fierce as hell and fantastic. 

Now... time to dig down into the nitty gritty. This episode was chock full of drama drama drama. 

So, from start of episode, these girls plus Alicia Fox meet up for brunch to catch up and the main focus is the girls wanting to change up their look in front of the Bella twins who were last seen deciding whether or not to renew their contracts. But there is a lil comment about one not pictured and not at the brunch, Eva Marie. It's said that she's at the performance center training in Florida. 

Next thing we know, Nattie is being told by Mark Carrano, the shady son of a bitch that she doesn't really need to worry about changing up her look because it's a PG show, and they're getting Eva back again soon. And why is that? Because she's in LA with a personal trainer. 

Let's break that comment down. 

Eva told all the girls she was going to Florida to the performance center to train with NXT -- what's SUPPOSED to happen. That she was going cross country from where she lives to get back in shape from the emergency surgery she had to have. 

While other divas have worked their asses off, paid their dues, put in their time, trained with NXT, in batting cages, in canning warehouses, Eva gets a personal trainer and gets to sleep in her own bed at night. 

Now I've seen so many comments with people saying how wrong the girls are for bashing Eva... 

Well, not really! Let's think about this. 

Brie has put off having babies that she desperately wants for her career. She's been taken away from her husband when he's gone through neck surgery. 

Trinity has redone her look, broken away from female tag team, and being strictly ring side, and has been in the running to Divas Championship now. 

Paige is British. She doesn't get to see her family much because they're in England, and she's here in the states. She's on the road 250 days a year, barely sleeps in her own bed, pays for a place she barely gets to enjoy. 

Eva? Eva's been catered to, only been in the company for two years. She was a model before hand, she cannot perform or act to save her life, she's boring to watch. She gets to stay where she lives, sleep in her own bed, and have her own personal trainer, and Carrano tells Nattie that they've got big plans for her. 

In real terms? They're pushing Eva up over Nattie who has been in the company forever, Over Trinity who has put in the work, over Paige who is a TWO TIME champ! and what the FUCK has she done to deserve that? 

Well, anyone with half a brain who knows anything about the WWE... You don't get that kind of push without doing something for someone high up. Catch my drift? 

Then Eva catches wind of this... ala Trinity, whom I don't understand why the hell she was standing up for Eva when Eva hasn't done SHIT to deserve this special treatment. Eva plays the victim and tells a ring girl that they're ganging up on her, that they knew she was going to be in LA... NOPE. At the beginning of the ep, one of the twins says straight out, Eva's at the performance center. That means they were told Florida.

Not Cool. 

People say that Nikki should step up her game if she's worried about Eva taking her place. But that's not the thing at all, if anyone cared to pay attention to what was actually said in the episode, it's about paying your dues, putting the damned time in and EARNING that belt. Not having it handed to you because you fucked or sucked your way to the top. 

Eva has always been shown in a very negative light on Total Divas, though she does seem VERY selfish, and only cares about herself, even in her marriage. She only cares about herself. She's out for fame and fortune, and unfortunately for her, now that the girls know about this push, there'll be a lot of "Accidental" injuries coming Eva's way. 

Now her all red everything has painted a target on her back. 

Diva drama in the house.

And yeah, that has truly become my life lately as well. 

I've had a massive blow to the gut this year as far as loss with family goes. Mr Ashley lost his remaining two grandparents. 

I lost my step mom, one of the kindest most gentle souls I've ever known. It was sudden and horrible. A gun shot wound that the coroner ruled a suicide. I don't know what to believe with it. She was an amazing actress, she hid the things my father did to her for so long. She hid the bruises the emotional trauma from everyone. But she lived for her work, taking care of kids, she loved kids. She ran a daycare out of her home. She watched her grandkids on a daily basis. She was loved, she knew she was loved, so much, by so many. 
But why did she have the gun? Why was it loaded? Why did she send her boyfriend a text fifteen minutes before he was supposed to call her to say she loved him, only to not pick up the phone fifteen minutes later? Too many whys and not enough answers. 
I'm still grieving, still trying to put my life back together and move forward. And just when I'm working on that upswing, I also have the looming deadline on my grandpa's life. The man I see as a dad rather than a grandpa. A man I looked up to all my life. A man whose best childhood memories revolved around. A man who only raised his voice to me once in my life. A man I love more than words can possibly say. A man who took care of me, supported me, trusted me, cared for me, raised me,... I can't imagine my life without him in it. He was always there, he was always immortal to me. 
Three years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He took the proper steps, even went through surgery to remove half of his right lung. He then a year later helped me move into my current home. He was strong and fit, and was doing damned good. 
Until a year ago. They came home from Florida and once again he was sick, pneumonia and/or bronchitis again. Stubborn, unrelenting, he went in to get treated, and then found out that the cancer came back. He spent all last summer going through chemo. fought to continue taking treatments when they went back down to Florida for the winter. We weren't sure if he was going to make it home alive. 
All my mother did this entire time was talk about how he was going to die this year, and how horrible it was, and how close she got to him and how no one understands how she feels. I don't even understand how she feels. 
That started driving a wedge between us and I couldn't have the same shit over and over again in my ear. I just couldn't do it. 
As 2015 came and started passing by me, She continued this. even on his birthday three days after mine. "Grandpa doesn't have long." over and over again until I called a halt to it and walked out. 
She's always just texted me information and updates. 
A month ago she did that when hospice was called in. No nice easy, "hey call me when you can, it's about grandpa." No. her text read, "Hospice has been called in. Grandpa has 2 to 3 months to live." No empathy at all. I broke down in class and had to leave early. 
Today, another text from her. "Your grandfather has a week left, nurse told gramma today." [sic]
Absolutely no empathy. cold and heartless. It was always Gramps. ALWAYS. after I turned like 10 I called him gramps. always referred to him that way. Since my step mom passed -- a day before thanksgiving no less-- she has been cold and heartless, because of this exact same thing. She texted me the news instead of calling me. 
I"m sick and tired of her selfish attitude, no one cares about me, no one understands what I am going through. 

I escape... I find an escape, because this fucking reality I'm living in sucks. Losing my dad sucks. facing that sucks. I hate it, I hate when people try to tell me "it's God's will" Well you know what? If God was merciless or if there was a damned god in the first place, he wouldn't allow his people to suffer. He wouldn't let a good man like my gramps to be suffering like this. barely able to breathe, hurting, forgetting things from lack of oxygen to his brain. He wouldn't.... 

If there was any mercy in this world my gramps wouldn't be in this much pain. It wouldn't be this hard to let go. 

In a perfect world, we would be immortal. we wouldn't have to live without the ones we love. But this world isn't perfect. We can only take what we're given, we can take what we work for and what we earn, and try our damnedest to make the best of it. It's all we can do because we aren't immortal. 

Mortality it what we were given. 

That is the reality. 

Even if it's a harsh one. 

Okay, so let me just put this out there right now.

I SUCK!!!!!!

Okay, now that that's taken care of, let me give y'all a bit of an update on moi. 

It's been a while, I know, and I'm sure if I have any followers it's slim pickins. Especially since I haven't updated in almost 7 months. 


I'm working on me, and I'm working on straightening myself out. It's difficult. 

I haven't written a real update in almost a year when I was working on the recaps for favorite TV shows. I will be picking that up again in September :) PROMISE. Unless people beg me not to, and then, well, I suppose I won't. or maybe I will just to spit them! MWAHAHAHA! 

Yeah evil laughs and me don't mix Lol 

I've been up I've been down. 

I"ll slowly get y'all updated on all the bullshit that's been going on. 

First off, back in August I started school again. A 12 month program to get me licensed as a Massage Therapist. I'm SO excited about this, there's no words. honestly. None. I'm 6 weeks away from being done, and still thinking about where I want to go. I've put out a few feelers but nothing concrete yet. I know I'll be transient for those that I know -- going to homes to allow them comfort. 

I released book four of the Club Aries series September 11, titled Once in a Lifetime, I'm so proud of that book. 

I attended the book fair at Romanticon, and found out a lot of BS from authors and such regarding the publisher, so glad I never got accepted with them. I truly am. 

I finished up No More Games, Club Aries 5 in November and sent it off to Siren. I got a February 11th release date. 

I've had some severe emotional things come up in my life, it's been a trial. 

I"m working on Destiny, revising it I've added on almost 10k to resub and hopefully get this amazing story out. There'll be 11 books with possibilities of coming back to the world after those 11 are done.  *Points to meters on side bar* SEE? I'm awesome! tell me how awesome I am! 

No I'm kidding, I'm not like that. lol 

SO. the shows I'll be reviewing and posting up come the Fall season are as follows: 

Once Upon a Time
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Heroes Reborn (YEEE!!)
Dancing With the Stars
Big Bang Theory

Spring I"ll be doing the new season of Dancing with the Stars and Game of Thrones. This season this year BLEW ME AWAY and Jon.... JOOOONNNNN NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!


Yes that was me. TOTALLY ME. 

I may also give random thoughts on WWE shows ;) Yeah I'm kinda addicted. 

If you have any suggestions, lemme know!! 

Yes. This definitely means I am back!