Tuesday, August 9, 2016

OHH how I loathe Back to School shopping....

  That dreaded time is here again. Back to school shopping. With the endless freakin' supply lists and the new clothes...

When the HELL did my 8 year old transition to size THREE shoes?! 

And the mommy pulling her hair out because she had to buy 40 damned glue sticks!! Yes you read that right FORTY!!!

Add in the ridiculous amount of pencils and markers... and crayons... -- do kids seriously use THAT many in a school year?!

Is my son REALLY going to use all 30 of his glue sticks and is it seriously necessary to get them ALL in August?!

Now see... I was smart this year and shopped the week after it all was put out. I didn't wait until tax free weekend. I got all the colored pencils and crayons and markers my kids needed and didn't need to go "ARE WE SERIOUSLY OUT OF MARKERS?!" ... 'cause yes, yes they were. and sets of watercolor paints with 8 colors, not ten or 16... 8. we were LUCKY to stumble upon the 8 set among the chaos of those three aisles.

And I do understand that the teachers aren't paid NEARLY enough to get supplies for their rooms. so through the year I'll buy things like sanitizer and tissues and send them in with a kid just randomly.

But I draw the damned line at getting items which will be SHARED by all the damned kids. Uh, no. I buy supplies with my meager paychecks and meager child support -- which ought to be raised in August just so that good for nothing bastard could be forced to help pay for the supplies and clothes but nooooooooo--.... I digress.

I buy MY children the supplies THEY will need. And I get times are tough. But if I can buy my kids the supplies I know they'll need. So can the mom who pays a mortgage on her 300K home with her Iphone and 2016 model car, kids in designer clothes because they're in this specific school district.... My kid's school district is known as the "rich school" ... or it was until the district started open enrollment, which meant the poor families living in rent controlled apartments in the slums of the city we're a township in the suburb of could enroll their kids in our district, but they wouldn't get picked up by the busses.

Truthfully, I'm all for it. Let those kids get a better education by getting into the better school. BUT.

When the parents who DO live in the district get their silk lined panties in a twist because the school needs more money, because they have a lot of welfare kids getting free lunches in the school and need to raise taxes by a marginal percent for a school levy, that's where I have issues. Those silver spoon wielding asshats suddenly don't give two shits about the schools their kids are going to. NO they won't shell out $50 more dollars a YEAR (that's what it would have amounted to this past March) so the schools can fix the shit that's getting broken or install AIR CONDITIONING so the kids don't have heat stroke in June and August - September when they're in school because of the global warming these dumbasses say is all made up and hokum.

And then we all end up with these ridiculous supply lists and get to read this....

Screen shot of the online supply list for my 6th grader.... Please note the ridiculous 7 items that will be in home room and SHARED?! Uhh no. If I'm buying stuff for my kid. It's staying with my kid. Also... please note, the TWO packs of colored pencils they all are required to bring in. One to share, one for personal use.

All three of my kids needed dry erase markers. .... Only ONE of them has their own little dry erase board to use at their desk. So guess who they're for?! Yup. the fuckin' teachers. My kids have TOLD me.... "We don't keep them at our desks, they go to the teachers and she uses them." ..... You mean to tell me that damned teacher can't afford $7 for TWO packages of five dry erase markers that SHOULD last her the entire school year?! Wanna know how I know?

My teacher used three dry erase markers -- a green, a red, and a black -- for an entire 12 month period  writing notes on the board drawing models, playing memory games on our white board. for 104 class days.

I can hear you now.. "Well our kids are in school 180 days! for 6 hours!" ... yeah, but let's do the math here... THREE markers lasted through 104 classes, let's say at 3 hours for that ONE class. that's 312 hours. breaking it back down... 104 hours per marker.

TEN dry erase markers. at 180 school days, at 5 hours. (I say at five, my kids are in school 6 hours. and that is PUSHING it because of a close to an hour lunch, hour long specials where the kids aren't even IN her classroom.... you get the gist.) 180 X 5? 900 hours. that's 90 hours per marker. You see the logic here? BUT the classrooms have 24 kids in it, each kid could bring a back of anywhere from 4 - 8 markers. let's go median and say 6 markers per kid for this teacher -- that's 144 damned markers!!

You're telling me that shit doesn't add up, and she shouldn't have EXTRAS by now? She should have a shit ton of those fuckers built up in a huge ass storage tote somewhere.

That is 144 dry erase markers EVERY year! Considering the average length of a teaching career is.... -- well the NEA says 46% quit after 5 years... but in my district there hasn't been a new opening for teachers in 10 years... I'm going with MY knowledge of this district. -- about 10 years.... that's over  a THOUSAND dry erase markers these bitches should have saved up!

They may need 8 markers a year.... which after 5 years they could put... Boys or girls only bring in the markers... not EVERY damned student. and that's IF.... IF she uses those markers for 5 hours STRAIGHT EVERY school day!

But not in my district, oh no, because we have SCHEDULED two hour early releases and delays for "Additional training for the teachers...." ..... mm-hmm. okay. And honestly I HIGHLY doubt my kids go to school for 180 days. NOR are they in school for 1170 hours (For the mid level students 3rd-5th).

** Cue Jeopardy music whilst I work out the math by looking at the school calendar for the year**

Okay. Added all up, 175 scheduled days -- they DON'T have their inservice days and the delays/early releases scheduled yet. That's 1050 hours. NOT including the scheduled different days, field trips, special events that take them out of the classroom.

Given the levys that HAVE passed in the past they all have the smart boards... which they COULD utilize, but don't. Instead... they'll just hit up the parents for Dry erase markers, index cards, clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, tissues, ziplock baggies.

I understand the teachers not supplying the students with notebooks, pencils, crayons etc.... but teacher specific items should be a HUGE no no to insist on having the parents buy.

Now, I've read blogs, and comments from teachers which state that it's optional, you don't have to get them. THEN PUT IT IN AN "Optional/classroom donations" SECTION!!!! DO NOT put it at the TOP of the list, or stick it in on the bottom of the supply list that makes it seem as if it IS required.

Just for my three kids.... the teachers all want 6 boxes of tissues, 4 TUBS Clorox wipes, 2 packs Ziplock bags, 16 dry erase markers, a package of card stock ---- SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!??!?!!?!!!!!, and finally 4 packs of 3X5 index cards. And I'm well aware... those are for THEM. not the kids. NOT OKAY!

and once again refer to the above screen shot supply list for my 6th grader. Supplies for the WHOLE classroom, Not specifically for my kid. This is utter bullshit.

I have not and will not buy the teacher/classroom shit until (if and when) a note is sent home with my student asking for donations.

I did participate in the donation last year of pencils. My kids's classrooms needed pencils. I got two packs of twenty #2 pencils for the teachers for two classrooms. Not a big deal, yanno? I have bought Clorox wipes, tissue boxes things like that and randomly sent them in. I will do that again this year. but these supply lists are the BANE of my existence.

and I didn't even get to the new clothes for the school year!! Thank the Gods for the Mr's momma, because that woman spent over $600 to get my kiddos new clothes for the year. New jeans, new shirts. SIZE FREAKIN THREE SHOES!!!! two pairs of them for Tiger.

Still two weeks til school actually starts... can it be now? Please.... can it be now?

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Yup so it's been a minute...

Been a while since I updated. Life has been.... well let's just say, not cooperating well with me as of late. It sucks, but... that's life.

Kids are out of school for the summer, and I've got them working on projects all summer to keep them occupied.

I had each child pick a foreign country to learn about and they're doing a project complete with research, learning the language, and crafts to go along with it.

Tiger picked Mexico, and she's going first. They've already found some good information and they're excited to tell me about everything they've learned. I found seven crafts for them to do, so every three days they'll be doing one.

Today they're coloring Sugar Skulls for Dia de los Muertos . Of course, I'm getting in on the fun of coloring as well.




And mine

I had them do these first, because their next one will be masks they design after sugar skulls. They'll have fun with that one too :) 

And the finished projects :) 




And mine :) 

They are having so much fun with this project, and I'm glad I thought of it to keep their brains working over summer break :) 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Dirty Doms Anthology is now on preorder!!

So I have ventured into the world of BDSM. It was an incredible journey with these characters and I love Heather and Jack so much that I may end up writing a sequel to their story. I think they're worthy of it.

Their first time still gets me all hot and bothered when I read it, and I've read that scene many times over.

Their upheaval still makes me teary.

It's a story of growth, and learning to trust not only someone else, but yourself and your heart again. It was a story I lived very closely, though through different circumstances.

I am deeply honored to be a part of this anthology with these incredible authors, and I'm humbled by the support they've all shown not only me, but each other through the process.

All ten of these incredible stories are up for preorder now!! Get the links on Dirtydoms.com today!!! Also be on the lookout for our teaser edition that features 2000 words from each story to give you a little peek into what's to come!

Each story is sure to heat up your screens and your nights!

Ten of your favorite NY Times, USA Today, and Amazon best-selling authors have delved into the world of BDSM Kink. Explore your darkest desires, and deepest secrets under the expert care of a sexy Alpha Dom.

(Capture) Fantasy Surrender by: Lori King
(Corporal Punishment) The Beauty and the Badass by: Lucy Felthouse
(Orgasm Control) Secrets & Lies by: Serena Akeroyd
(Impact Play) Sizzle by: McKinlay Thomson
(Pet Play) Club Menage: Fifi by: Tara Crescent
(Bondage) Binding Her To Him by: TL Reeve
(Fire Play) Kaise by: Jade Belfry
(Daddy Dom) Professor Knows Best by: Juliet Braddock
(Sensory Deprivation) Deprived by: Jordan Ashley
(Medical Play) Electric by: C.P. Mandara


Chapter 3

Heather stopped in her bedroom, staring at the bed that would soon hold both of them, wrapped up together the way she’d imagined for way too long. She knew she loved Jack, but taking it to this level this fast? Was it something she should be doing? She turned to look at him, stopped in her bedroom doorway and knew if she didn’t have his body pressed against her, she might explode.
She loved Jack and trusted him more than anyone else. But this kind of intimacy was scary shit. This meant something deeper, this meant a commitment, especially where she was concerned, and she knew he understood that. Was she really ready for that?
It was a question she wasn’t sure she had for the answer to. She cared deeply for him, and she did trust him, he and Teresa were probably the only two adults in her life she could say she valued and cherished. Jack had been there for her like no one else had been, and she could never repay him for it.
The back of her knees hit the mattress, and she looked into his hazel eyes, which were quickly turning a shade of green she’d never seen before. A flash of something dark and primal inched its way into every piece of him. He braced himself against the doorjamb with one hand, the other resting on the waist of his jeans was confident, almost egotistically so. At least it’s what it would appear to be if she didn’t know him as well as she did. She knew it was because of their conversation, what he’d learned while they had lost touch with each other. He was beginning to slip into Dom mode. His eyes narrowed, and a look so raw and possessive captured her attention and made her freeze in place.
“Jack?” Heather could hear how her voice shook and knew her sudden fear over the situation was clear as day as she clenched her hands together in front of her.
“Where are you?” he asked, tilting his head to look at her.
She tried to remember the steps of safety he’d spoke of and swallowed roughly. “Yellow.”
He nodded, took a deep breath, and stepped toward her. “If you don’t want to do this, you need to tell me, Heather. We can stop this before it even begins.”
“I’m scared,” she admitted, look down at the floorboards, and focused on the edge of her geometric area rug near the toes of her socks.
“Of what?”
“Losing you. I don’t want to fuck everything up, Jack. It’s what I’m good at, alright? If we start this, and it doesn’t work out, where will that leave us?”
A second passed, and she heard his footsteps coming toward her, stopping within her line of sight on the pale pine floor where she could see the edge of his black and white Nikes. She closed her eyes and took in another deep breath, hating that even that shook. His hands cupped either side of her face and put the gentlest pressure on her jaw to make her look up at him. The distance between her eyes and his was ridiculous. Over a foot taller than her, Jack looked down at her with compassion and understanding.
“I have gone over that scenario too many times to count. What if she rejects this? What if she hates me? What if, what if, what if? But if you spend your life dwelling on the what ifs, you’re never going to enjoy your life. Sure you’ll breathe, and you’ll pay your bills, but will you really live? What did you tell me downstairs, Heather? I don’t beg anyone for anything, but I’m begging you to let me help you live again, beautiful. If you tell me no, I will step away, and we can forget this ever happened. We can forget the conversation and what almost could have happened. But if you don’t—if you don’t, I will make certain every second I get to spend with you, no matter if it’s one night or every night from here on out is lived to its fullest potential. I will give you everything you want.”
Heather audibly gulped. It sounded too good to be true, and yet Jack never lied to her. He’d never deceived her, so what evidence did she have in the last two years that could potentially suggest that he would start now? With Allen, every action was directed to control and manipulation. Jack had pushed her to go to school, to help her make something of herself. He’d stayed at home with the girls while she went out with Teresa and her classmates when she needed the rare night to unwind. Everything boiled down to if she wanted to continue existing with the emptiness she felt widening further with every day, or if she wanted to actually start to live her life again.
“Slow,” she whispered, meeting his gaze. She raised her hands to rest on his forearms, feeling the muscles with her thumbs. “Just go slow and be patient with me.”
Jack leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers a moment before he pulled back and kissed her there. It was a gesture he’d done many times before then, but at that moment, it meant much more than ever before. He lingered for only a moment before pulling away and turning to close the bedroom door. He kept his back to her and took in a breath before he spoke to her again.
“There are a few things you need to understand about this, Heather. One: That will be the last time I speak your name until this scene is over, understand?” She hummed a response, and he turned, his gaze so heavy she felt her shoulders come forward. “Two: You respond with ‘Yes, Sir’ or ‘Yes, Master’ I will allow you to choose this one time.”
Heather’s eyes widened, and she felt a little indignant about being told what to say until she forced herself to take a breath and remind herself it was part of their scene. A little smile played at the corner of her lips, and cheekily she responded to him. “Yes, Master.”
That stalled him for a moment, and she could see the visible shiver that ran through him. “Good girl,” and then she was certain the shiver that ran through her hearing his response to her was visible as well. She couldn’t explain why his words affected her to the point she was pressing her thighs together, and butterflies swelled in her stomach.
“Three: you are going to submit to me. You will be expected to do everything I tell you to do, and unless you say the safe word, I will expect you to continue doing it. Understood?”
“Yes, Master.” She couldn’t help herself, the word had such a good effect on him last time, she had to do it again, and sure enough he had to take a deep breath before he spoke again.
“Now, pet, you remember the safe word?”
“Yes, Master.”
“Repeat it to me so I’m certain you remember.”
“Red. Like a stoplight.”
Jack was in front of her again, his gaze predatory and instantly she could feel his aura change, and the mood in the room had shifted. He brought his hands up, brushing the back of his fingers across her cheeks, his fingertips pressing on the back of her neck, helping to tilt her head back. “You need a trinket for this neck. First thing tomorrow I want you to pick out a few chokers and book mark them on the desktop. When you want a scene, you will place the choker on your neck, allow me to see it, and then meet me up here. Understand?”
She nodded in what little amount of movement his hold would allow and whispered her response. His presence was different, commanding, pleasantly triggering her desire to submit. She wouldn’t deny she was enjoying it.
“When you come up and ready yourself, I want you kneeling on the bed in your bra and panties,” his voice grew quieter, and she wondered if he was as affected by everything as she was. “I will be teaching you to trust me in many different ways. Soon enough you will trust me to take care of you no matter what I offer you. Do you have enough trust in me for that?”
“Yes, Master.” Again her voice was quiet, and she wasn’t certain if he could even hear her. Heather swallowed and moved her hands to rest on his waist, gripping his body through his T-shirt.
Jack paused and took in a deep breath before he broke eye contact and looked at his own body where her hands lay. “I will permit that this one time. Every scene after this, pet, you will ask permission before you touch your Master. Understand?”
“Yes, Master.” The words spilled from her lips in a knee-jerk reaction. Initially, she had been teasing him with the words, but the presence he had commanded them, and she couldn’t help herself from freely giving in to what he was setting up with her.
“Take off your jeans,” he whispered before backing away from her, leaning against the wall next to her closet doors.
Heather swallowed roughly and pulled her hands to the fastening of the dark blue denim before she shook her head a little to clear it. What was she so nervous for? Her panties didn’t reveal anything more than her bikini did, and they’d gone to the beach many times over the last two years. She had her pants pushed to her knees and straightened to use her feet to kick them off along with her socks and stared at him, understanding as soon as their eyes locked why she was nervous. His hungry gaze made her stomach twist with nerves and the fact that it wasn’t her bikini bottom slammed into her head. It was her panties. Only a thin layer of satin and lace shielded her skin from his eyes.
“Good girl.” Again his voice sent shivers racing through her, spreading goosebumps in their wake. “Now the shirt.”
As she lowered her gaze she saw her actions left an impression. The zipper to his own jeans was being pushed forward, and she wondered how uncomfortable he was getting. Only he seemed to have a hell of a lot of control. Though the stare he had given her made her believe his control was hanging by a small thread. With her gaze lowered, she pulled the vintage tee over her head and tossed it onto the floor.
“Onto the bed, on your knees, relaxed.”
Heather took a half step toward the headboard, backwards, and realized in order to climb up onto her bed she’d need to turn her back to him. There was something about that action alone that sent a tremor through her and she gripped the bedspread before she could speak again. “Yellow.”
“Tell me why.”
“My back to you.”
“It…” she trailed off, unsure of why it bothered her to the point of being uncomfortable. She couldn’t accurately put it into words. Allen had never struck her, but he had watched her closely many times. Always behind her, always scrutinizing. It made her feel… “It makes me feel vulnerable.”
She could see Jack nod slowly, and he crossed his arms loosely in front of his chest. “Do you want to stop?”
“Do you trust me?”
“Do you need to ask me anything?”
Did she? Heather looked up at him, heat gathering in her face, she knew she was bright red with embarrassment and a small, soft smile played across his lips. “Do…” She couldn’t believe the words that were about to come out of her mouth, but she needed to know. “Do you like what you see?”
His smile grew and his gaze moved from her eyes to her light blue painted toenails and back to her eyes again. “Oh yes.”
“Why are you watching me so closely?”
“I am about to do unspeakable things to that magnificent body of yours. I’m taking in every inch of perfection before I desecrate it.”

The Dirty Doms anthology box set releases June 28! Get your copy today!! 

Friday, March 4, 2016

What is Marriage?

Talking to one of my best friends, I've realized that pushing my wedding back to next year was definitely in good taste. ...

I'll here's a slight embellishment....

And it's not that I don't love the Mr. Far opposite of that. And I hope that much is obvious. But planning a wedding...? it's not anything I'm overly excited about. I'm not excited about the dress, and I should be, you know?

It might have something to do with the fact that he and i have been together 3 and a half years. the second longest relationship I've had. And at this point in my relationship with the ex husband I was pregnant with Bug, and was having a baby shower, hormone riddled, and young and naiive.

I got married on my four year anniversary.

If the Mr. and I get married next year we'll be together 4 years 9 months. Okay, it's later than the 4 year anniversary thing, but it's still messing with me head a bit. I'm supposed to have that dress appointment on the 26th. I don't think that it'll be happening.

But what I said at the end still stands Actions... Actions are what matters the most.

Remember that always.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

OH look! A Vlog!

So yes, I did a vlog today, Check me and my frizziness out below! :)

Took far too long to upload to Youtube. PITA!! Dunno why.

BUT here's the pic of the coloring I've been doing :)

So? Is my first blog stupid, or hilarious, or ...... whatever else? LOL! Let me know what you think.

Link to my instagram is right here: https://www.instagram.com/authorjordanashley/

So you can follow me there in between my blog posts. I update little snaps every other day or so.

OH I also did my first Geocache. SOO much fun finding it! Can't wait to do the next ones!

Until next time!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Profound Realizations.

 How easy it is to lose yourself in something. Whether it's a good book, a TV show, a movie, writing, coloring, or playing games. Things like these could all be acceptable -- to a point mind you -- to lose yourself in. But there comes a point, a line drawn, where it becomes self defeating. Self destructive.

But those things could be easily dropped, put away for a while, forgotten.

Emotions are harder.

As a species we have emotions that rule us, that allow us to love, to hate, to find joy and sorrow. And while the firsts on the list can overwhelm and overcome us... the hardest of all, and the most self destructive is sorrow. Grief.

Grief is a terrible, terrible monster that looms over you and it sucks. I don't necessarily mean that it's bad/it sucks. I mean it literally sucks. It sucks the life out of you. Tears you down, and allows you to tear others down with you. I have watched grief begin to suck the life out of my family when my grandpa passed back in July. Hell, it sucked the life out of me. It wasn't until maybe two weeks after his passing that I was able to wake up and say "He wouldn't want me like this." And begin to pick up the pieces and move forward. Not on... just forward.

Most recently, I'm watching grief suck the life out of a man I love more than life itself. It's weighing so heavily on him that the tangible energy that was in the house had doubled, and is pressing down on all of us. I will be saging tonight, but I'm not sure how much it can do.

I've offered to be there to listen, to let him just talk to me, tell me what I can do to help him.

Nothing helps. Nothing works, he can't talk to me. Because "You don't understand what goes on in my head. It would terrify you."

Try again.

Credit to Toby Allen - zestydoesthings.tumblr.com   --- amazing artwork!

Because no matter what horrific, deplorable imagery his OCD brain could conjure up, NOTHING could terrify me from him. Nothing could scare me away from him, because despite the images that his twisted brain can come up with, I know the man ruling his body. But no matter how many times I assure him that he couldn't be further from the truth, he falls back on the hardest thing for me to accept.

"You don't understand, you couldn't."

I can't help him. Grief is sucking his soul from him, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. The man I love is there.... he says he loves me, he hugs and kisses me, he goes to work. But it feels as if he's merely pulling strings to appear normal... that he says the words and does the actions so I don't worry. But I can feel his grief, his fury. And it doesn't matter how badly I WANT to help him, if he doesn't accept my hand, stretching out for him, desperately reaching out to pull him from the dark abyss that's threatening to encompass him and steal him from me... If he doesn't reach back... there's nothing I can do.

I'm powerless.

That is the most horrible feeling I've ever had. Being unable to help someone I love. To feel like I can't be trusted by someone whom I love so deeply.

But it doesn't even stop there.

One of my best friends, whom I've known for a decade is dealing with some serious shit. I tell him, you can talk to me. I'm here. I"m here for you.... But even he cannot trust me entirely to talk to. to rant to, to express what makes him turn to his addiction...

All because.... "You don't understand."

And dammit, I'm trying! I'm trying so hard to understand, I WANT to understand. But maybe they're right. Maybe I can't,

At least one of them does appreciate that I want to.

I'll concentrate on fighting my own demons while they fight theirs. and if they reach out for help, all I can do is be there and show them, I'm a woman of my word. I will sit and listen and do what I can to help them. But only when they ask for it.

Which only triggers this little guy to start his whisperings...
Once again, credit to Toby Allen

And that little monster invites this friend along for the ride...

Making for a difficult and tear filled counselling session with my therapist this morning. Gotta keep moving on though... There's a very long to do list and it won't get done if I'm sitting here and not going back out into the windy cold.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Don't stop dating!

If it's one thing I've learned over the years about being in a working, functional, and happy relationship... Don't take each other for granted. EVER. Because it doesn't matter if you're emotionally invested, or they are, it doesn't matter if kids or families or pets are involved. You can lose what you've come to expect.

Never just assume that the person you're with is happy and content. Don't ever just assume they know you love them. Never think that they know you find them attractive or desirable. You need to make certain by doing simple gestures, telling them, anything!

Remember the affection you showed each other when you first started dating? The small brushes of your hand down their arm, across their back, through their hair? The way you may lay your hand on their cheek when you kissed them?

Those actions should NEVER cease. Ever.

Plan dates. Even if it's in home dates. Even if it's something as simple as pizza and a movie. Even if it means swinging through a gas station and getting a fifty cent chocolate bar or candy they like. Stop along side the road for her and pick queen anne's lace to give her a pretty bouquet.

Even when you move in with each other, get engaged, walk down the aisle.... never stop dating each other. Never stop being ravenous for each other. Remember how it was when you first got together? You couldn't keep your hands off each other. Maybe it was every night, maybe it was once a week, but you found ways to be together, and show your affection for each other. Even if you have to schedule it in, DO IT.

Burn incense, a scented candle, wear a fragrance you know they love. Dress nicely now and then, style your hair, put on your make up, wear the heels, put away the tattered tennis shoes you wear every damned day.

Take the burden of a chore off their hands if they're having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month.

Never let them feel alone! EVER! No matter how frustrated you may get with each other, remember you chose to spend your time with this person, so why is it? Is it humor? Is it the way the silence between you is so comfortable? Is it the way they feel in your arms? Remember it, and show them that!

NEVER stop dating the person your with. Even when you're old and wrinkled and grey, and sex is a thing of the long forgotten past... A gentle kiss on the cheek, holding their hand in public.

Never think it has to be a grand gesture, or expensive. Sometimes it's the little things that matter! It's the THOUGHT put into the gestures, the words, that makes a person feel loved and special. You can't just stop doing them because you do them so often that it loses it's significance.... Oh look, Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I'll just do something nice then.

Really? Think again. Most people don't care for that holiday anymore. Most people want to be told they're loved, and SHOWN they're loved the other 364 days a year (365 this year) Once a month, bi weekly... make a point to do something nice and thoughtful for the person you're in love with. Because once the romance is gone... what have you become?

Without romance in a relationship... you're roommates. You're friends with benefits. You're taking that person for granted. You're assuming what you have will always be there.

Romance is what keeps that person around. Romance is what keeps them happy and content. Reminders of why they fell in love with you, and it keeps them falling in love with you every day.

Don't ever forget romance. It's not just a book genre. It's a way of loving someone. It's showing appreciation.

Never. Ever. Stop. Dating.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Tangible Grief

This past weekend was probably one of the hardest my household has had to endure. Coming in second only to my own grandfather's passing, the Fiance lost someone very special to him Friday night.

He has owned only one pet since I met him 3 1/2 years ago (almost 4 years now) A bearded dragon named Padmae. I thought... okay... it's a reptile.

A lizard. This guy has a lizard as a pet. Okay.... no big deal. My grade school best friend had an iguana... that fucker was HUGE. Can't be that bad, right?

Not. At. All!

Padmae was probably the coolest looking reptile I've ever seen in my LIFE.

She SMILED! She smiled in reaction to things that happened here. To the kids, to me yelling at the kids... She particularly enjoyed that .... Dunno why really.

When the fiance would put on classic rock, she would smile just like she is in this pic, if not wider. They say that Beardies will open their mouths like that to cool off, kinda like a dog panting since there's no sweat glands? No... No, Padmae SMILED. She knew what was up, and had one of the largest personalities a reptile could probably ever have. Padmae had a SOUL.

 But unfortunately, two weeks ago, she got sick. Right about after the pic beside here was taken. She was having problems moving, didn't eat, wasn't having any bowel movements at all. Naturally the Fiance was really worried about her, and so took her to the vet. The vet, as always told the Fiance how well cared for she was and that she may have injured one of her front legs, as she reacted to having it messed with. So he gave her pain killers, which seemed to help. For a while. But she kept getting worse. WEird bumps appeared at the back hips. Fiance thought she may have been impacted - which can happen if they don't poop for a while. Which... hadn't happened. So... on with the oil injections, which she HAAAATED but it needed to be done. We also, since she still hadn't eaten anything in a long time, started giving her baby food injections to get calories in her. She was getting weaker.

Then she started having problems breathing, and the Vet thought maybe it was a cold. But she's had an upper respiratory infection before. It wasn't like this, she still ate... this was different. The vet couldn't explain it.

Thursday night she was doing okay, Fiance got held over at work, and didn't get home until 3. Apparently when he got home she wasn't doing so well. She couldn't breathe and freaked out. She was having mucus collecting in her throat, and didn't have the ability to get rid of it, She couldn't swallow it, couldn't spit it out, nothing. So it was suffocating her. Fiance squirted water down her throat and soothed her. Got her alright again.

Friday morning then -- about three hours later, I got up, and she wasn't moving. She constantly had her mouth open trying to breathe. I got the kids onto the bus, and was keeping a wary eye on her, watching closely to make sure she was breathing. I couldn't see anything. So I got up and moved over to her tank. She cocked her head to look up at me.


Scared the hell out of me.

Throughout the day she was mouth breathing, but no more freakouts.

I suggested to the fiance to use the plastic syringe to suck some of the mucus out of her throat. It had to help, right?! He did it, but she must have bit down weird on it or something, because she was bleeding a lil bit. But he also cleared her nasal passages. mucus had dried and she couldn't breathe that way either. She was doing good for the rest of the day and evening while Fiance went to work.

I was keeping a close eye on her, but then I worked on my mom's neck for a while. ....

I saw her breathe in really deep while I was standing there talking to her... I saw her take her last breath. I didn't realize it, because she had been really still most of the day, taking shallow breaths. I got Tiger and Angel off to bed, and just as mom was leaving and Bug was about to head to bed, I noticed she wasn't breathing at all...

moved closer to the tank, she didn't move. opened the lid, still nothing. petted her a little, nothing, tried to pick her up... she didn't go limp...

Oh.... fuck.

I was the one freaking out then. What the hell do I do?! I have to be the one to tell my fiance his baby was gone. I remembered immediately how Fiance had to catch me before I hit the vet's floor when I had to put Spooky, my familiar to sleep. I texted his mom asking her for advice, what do I do?! She told me to tell him, because he'd be even more upset if he didn't know when it happened.

So, I sent a simple text. "Baby... she's gone,"

"Fuck. Okay, put a towel over her for me."

So I did. and I waited. and waited. 45 minutes... those were probably one of the longest 45 minutes of my life waiting for him to get home. He walked in the door, most of the lights in the tank were off. He set his bag and cooler down, looked at her cage, and then his grief hit me like a brick wall. Instantly my heart clenched and he turned from the tank to move into the kitchen. He was crying.... actually crying.

He didn't cry like this at his grandparent's funerals. One tear he shed for MaMaw. One. This was complete and utter grief. Sobs. I watched him closely, he's a difficult one to understand what he wants. He went into the bedroom and stood there at the dresser, and I couldn't just leave him be. I held onto him, held him as tightly as I could, telling him how sorry I was.

The sobs were bad enough... but the words he spoke... how the last thing she got from him was pain... How he should have stayed home, because he knew she was going to die. He should have done more. He should have done this, or that.... He lost his baby.

Every self loathing, guilt ridden sentence he spoke broke my heart just a little more. I remembered how Spooky's death effected me. How guilt ridden I was because I didn't get him to the vet sooner. I didn't say much, just held onto him, assured him when I could, and just let him cry.

His grief was so thick, I felt like I was walking through water. It was draining trying to block it to save my strength and not break right along with him. It was my turn to be strong for him, dammit all. And I was. I was as strong as I could be until he asked me while we were in bed if I was that bad with Spooky.... He broke me a little then, and I let out a couple of sobs before I could compose myself and keep him from comforting me then. It was his turn, this was about him and his loss, not mine.

It hurt so much to see him in such pain. He built her a coffin, buried her with one of his T-shirts..... one I bought him.... He wouldn't let me come outside with him when he buried her. But we all watched him from the back windows. I could feel his grief even still.

Yesterday he was finally a little better. Got some of his humor back. made little remarks and touches that he hadn't done in a couple of weeks. He was so worried about her, but it was like after he came to terms with her being gone, that stress was gone and he was on his way to being himself again.

It's never easy losing a pet, a companion, a familiar. and I completely believe that Padmae was Fiance's familiar. She had a life and energy that went beyond a normal animal. She had an attitude, sass, and a sense of humor.

the desk sits empty now... it's hard to not have her lights there anymore. We put everything out in the shed, not to be looked at for two or more months. He will never have another beardie. and I can't blame him. He might change his mind one day, but today isn't that day.

Senator Padmae, you were loved, and cherished, and spoiled rotten. Be at peace waiting for him.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Drama, drama, drama....

You'd think since I left the chiropractic office I wouldn't be subjected to their never ending litany of bullshit.

..... You'd think.

However, that's not the case as last week I checked my bank account to see if my douchebag ex had actually paid his child support (He hadn't). Not only did I not have the child support, I was also over drawn by $207!!!

Immediately I'm thinking, how in the hell can this be? Did Bug click something on her Kindle again? Did she make a bunch of purchases?! No, no, no, this can't be happening!

But no, it wasn't my daughter, and it certainly WAS happening. My former employer put a stop payment order on my paycheck! Not only did she take back 202.67, but caused a $12 fee for the chargeback, AND a lovely $33 overdraft fee! I was keeping $37 in my account after getting a bill paid so I could get my meds. and then I couldn't even get THAT!

Overdrawn by $207 and a handful of change, my heart stopped and I thought I was having a full on panic attack. Maybe I was, who knows... But I went down to the bank and tried to sort it out, nothing that could be done since it came from a different bank.

So... I did the only thing I could do in that moment. I sent out a text.

*Boss's name*, I got to find out today you issued a stop payment on the paycheck I received 1/4. I am aware of the whys in the matter, however, that check was also short $225 for referrals. Now I know I clearly wrote my daughter's name, my mother's name and *patient name* - a friend of the family's name on the time sheet. My not receiving that I had considered my debt to you repaid. In stopping that check, you have now made it impossible for me to get needed medication, and overdrew my account. I worked for that money and I am entitled to it. I want another check cut for the $202.67 that I'm owed, and you can consider the unpayment of the three referrals as making whatever you think I owe you finished. 

Well, not only did I not receive a message back, but I also didn't get any notification that she intended to do anything of the sort. 

The next day I got a phone call from her while I was writing (attempting, not succeeding). It went to voice mail, but she didn't leave a message. I was too pissed off to do anything to return the contact until the following day, in which I figured, if there is going to be a conversation I'm going to have physical proof that she doesn't intend on giving me what I"m rightfully entitled to. 

So, another text was sent.

I see you attempted to call me yesterday. I don't think there's anything to say on this issue. It's very clear what needs to happen. If you feel the need to clarify which references to which I was owed, *Bug's name*, *Mom's name*, and *Patient name*. Your daughter also promised I would get referral credit for *J's full name*, but I wasn't holding my breath on that. I expected a paycheck for my final 6 days Monday, plus the $202.67 you retracted unlawfully. 
This is all I believe needs to be said, but if you feel the need to add anything, it will need to be done through text.

I then received nothing over the weekend, and nothing yesterday... payday. So... one more text went out this morning. 

I do truly hope my final paycheck is waiting at the Sandusky office for me. If it is not, I wish to direct you to, www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/final-paycheck-employee-rights-chart-29882.html
Truly you had until the 15th for it by legality's sake. 

Nothing in return. Apparently radio silence is what I'm going to be getting. 

MMKay then. Let's play hardball, lady. 

Tomorrow I don't have my kids as they'll be back in school (FINALLY!!!! this has been a LONG weekend) So I'll be making a trip down there to get that check. Here's hoping they won't try to be stupid and make me take them to small claims court. Because I will do it. I"m also willing to look up previous LMTs from the Sandusky office and see exactly why they left. I'm intrigued. Especially considering the language used toward me, and the language used to explain why Morgan left. 

Of course I will keep the blog updated on what happens. I have a feeling I"m about to fight a battle. I don't think I'm ready for it either. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Confrontations and delays.

So, following up from Friday's post about Bug's school issues, the fiance and I did indeed go to the school yesterday afternoon and sat down with the guidance counselor. She seemed oblivious as to my irritation, until I started speaking about Bug's issues. Then she understood, but kept bringing it around to the conversation I had with Mr. K. That wasn't the issue, and I told her that, but it really didn't seem to sink in.

The biggest issue now is M and C and how they've been bullying my daughter. GC told me that she'd actually spoken to the principal Friday about it, and insisted that the girls needed some sort of discipline. Thank the gods.

I strongly.... well... let me rephrase... DEMANDED that all four girls be brought together in the same room, parents be contacted and brought in, as many as possible, and she, and the principal need to sit in on this. If these girls see all these adults brought together over their actions, maybe it'll stress enough to them that what they're doing -- M&C's bullying, and K's lying -- is WRONG.

During this meeting, I want Mr. K there so he and I can explain our conversation, and let Mr K see his daughter's behavior first hand. I REALLY want Mrs. K to be there as well to see what the lack of discipline has made her child into. BUT Mr. K works for the school district, I know he'll at least be present. So K's words will be outed to the girls who swear K isn't lying.

The guidance counselor is 100% for the meeting with these girls, yet she's still going to stress that not only should this meeting take place but the girls need disciplined as well. I'm in complete agreement. Hopefully the fiance will be able to be present.

I looked the GC in the eyes and said, "I'm urging you to have this meeting set up by the end of the week. Preferably before Friday. Because if this isn't taken care of and finished by the end of the week, I will be back in here, and I will take matters into my own hands." Her eyes widened at me, but my "I'm not fucking kidding" look in my eyes shut her up. I finished with "MY daughter - who takes care of her own business herself - is begging me to step in. Either you help me intervene, or I"ll do it myself."

All the GC could do was say "Understood."

Mutha fucka, I will fuck yo shit up! 

However.... I was expecting to hear from the principal today, but because Ohio forgot how to Winter appropriately... School was closed. So here's hoping I hear from her tomorrow, and this meeting can take place on Thursday. We'll see.

I will put an end to this. Hands are no longer tied, The Tigermom is out.

Hopefully soon I won't have to worry about the girls anymore, and Bug can go back to having a peaceful school environment.

And then we can go back to this instead:

I haven't gotten to write much in the last couple of days, but I need to, badly. Just housework and everything else catching up with me *cries* 

OH! I'm also starting a project with a friend of mine, he runs an IT business here in town, and OMG his office is an OCD nightmare. I don't even have OCD and I twitch going in there. So I'll be organizing it for him and his business partner. I'm makin' em pay me too! LOL Gonna see if they'll be alright letting me post up before and after pics :) 

Til tomorrow! Send some energy my way, would ya? 

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Old souls and romantic notions

 So, on my post on the 7th, I touched on my love of astrology and mentioned that the fiance was/is an old soul, said I would touch on it in a few minutes, and then dropped the ball on that.

However, the astrology post got so long, that I figured it was alright to just do a separate post for that.

I've always known that I'm an old soul. I have knowledge -- common sense, life learned knowledge -- that most people will never have in one life. My mother always called me an old soul, I people watched a lot as a child, and while an emotional creature -- I blame being a Pisces -- I was quiet most of the time, shy, and untrusting of many people.

I've had dreams that felt too real to just be something my mind conjured up, and I know that they were memories from past lives creeping into my mind. I'm also an empath. I always have been able to sense other people's emotions, feel it as if they were my own. It's why my compassion is as strong as it is, a reason why I'm a Massage Therapist. Though it can be draining from the negative energy when people are in pain, I've learned to shield so I"m not as drained while still putting healing energy into what I"m doing.

My soul recognizes other's souls -- one reason why I was able to trust the fiance as quickly as I did. My soul recognized his as its mate. We compliment each other in ways I've never known before, and it's completely amazing.

But... I recognized the Bug's soul the moment she was born 11 years ago. I knew she and I had been together in a previous life, and she was meant to come to me in this life. Same with the Tiger. Bug has a much older soul than Tiger does though. Bug has always been serious, always people watching, she takes things in stride, even if it's something Tiger would collapse into tears about, Bug just shrugs it off like it's no big deal.

We are a family of old souls in this home. But what truly let me know just how old Fiance is was the first night we truly made love. My soul felt him, could feel the ancient wisdom lingering just beneath the surface, and the desire to be free to be that man with someone. What took me by surprise though was when Fiance started having dreams of his own of past lives. He told me that the first time he met the kids that he felt a connection with Tiger. That he recognized her somehow, and he couldn't put his finger on it. Not until he had a dream of swing dancing with a woman in the twenties. He didn't recognize her by sight, but he knew her soul. it was Tiger. Those two have such an incredible bond, and have had it since that first night he hung out with us.

Ironic I found this picture on Facebook one night, Fire and water. The Aries and Pisces. It's definitely what I believe. There's a CS Lewis quote about not having a soul. You are a soul, you have a body. Yet another thing that I believe whole heartedly. You are your SOUL. and I do believe that past lives can influence future lives. Fears, insecurities, things we know but simply cannot explain? It's explainable, just sometimes a lot of people may not want to know the answer.

I also believe there was a time before recorded history -- forget the bible, because as a Wiccan I believe it's a book of fantastic stories. Nothing more -- where magik ruled the earth. Shape shifters, witches, werewolves, demons, angels, even vampires amongst the mortals. And I believe this because of what I FEEL from the fiance. His soul was born in this time. He was a wolf. I know this because he's always connected more with canines than humans. He's never been able to explain it. The full moon rules his moods and aggression, It's left over since that first incarnation.

Bug is that old as well, but her base, her magik? Not a clue yet. I have a feeling she was a shifter of some sort, whether it was Werewolf or otherwise, she has this Alpha personality that puts a LOT of girls in her class off. -- Capricorn on the first site on the post from Thursday  fits her to a T. 100%

Tiger? Well... I doubt her soul is more than 300 years old, and she hasn't had many lives.

The angel, however... He's brand new, and yet there's this connection with him to me that amazes me. I knew him before he was born. I'm not sure how true this could be, but I believe angel has a piece of my own soul within him. It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

I've done readings for a few friends on past lives. One of which, I know I spent time with in a previous life.

I have a feeling that explains the connection between J and I. Why there is this magnetic pull on me with him. My soul recognizes his in some way.

I often thought of the question, could someone have more than one soulmate? Could you have that deep soul connection with more than one person? Is there a likelihood of finding that in a single lifetime?

What do you think?

Yeah... this is pretty much it.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Being an author...

I always wanted to be published. As far back as I've had career driven dreams, I've wanted to be published. April 2014 was my chance, and it has been amazing so far. Five books out in the Club Aries series, another submitted to Evernight ... still waiting to hear back! GOING INSANE!!!!

But then I got invited to be a part of a BDSM anthology with the amazing Lori King. I've wanted to try my hand at BDSM, and in my blog a couple days ago -- my astrology one -- I mentioned that I've been working on it, and the premise of the story. I honestly don't have much written, and I need to focus on it, but... there's the catch.

To keep people interested, to retain readers and keep them enthralled, you need to have compelling stories. You also need quite a bit of time to be able to write. You also can't have internet ADD... You know... the case of the OO SHINIES! Yeah, that's definitely what I've got, and it's kinda annoying. I'm trying though! I really am.

I got through my first BDSM scene, and it's very light, but it's sexy as hell. Each of us in the anthology is focusing on a different kink. Mine? I chose sensory deprivation. My Dom has blindfolded my sub... or rather... HIS sub. He'll be playing hard rock into her ears next while blindfolded to make her trust him even more. I'm telling you, this Dom is ridiculously sexy, and is completely in love with his sub.

I was inspired by a good friend of mine, I've known him since Bug was 4 months old. There is a bit of fantasy in it for myself, but as my counselor asked, it's cathartic. It's healing to write the sub learning to trust someone completely again. I've put a bit of truth amongst the fantasy, and it's helped me deal with a lot of crap that's boiled up in my head lately.

Too much crap from my past but it's easier to deal with when inserting it throughout fantasies. Makes it easier to look at the happenings objectively and see, these characters can come through this shit, you'll be okay eventually.

I wanted to close out this shorter blog (Compared to the last couple that I've done) with an excerpt of what I've been working on. Maybe I'll be generous and give an "Aww" excerpt, and a JORDAN STOP MELTING MY SCREEN! one too

Jack knew that John was a bad apple, and knew that Heather was hurting. He and Teresa may have been the only two who knew Heather was putting together a fund to hire a lawyer to file for divorce. Many times after the funeral while they could hear her railing against the world in her bedroom after the girls had gone to sleep the duo had sat up at the kitchen table discussing what would happen to her and how she would handle it all.
Teresa vowed that she wouldn’t leave Heather alone until she was forced to, and though she worked, the woman that was probably better suited for a big city like Albany with her take no shit form anyone attitude didn’t go back on her word. Jack knew when Heather ordered Teresa out of the house a week after the funeral, shoving the red head’s duffel bag into her arms, that it wouldn’t be the last he saw of her.
He wasn’t mistaken either. Every day for a month after that Teresa stopped by the house on her way home from the Fairfield Inn to make sure Heather didn’t need anything. Jack had left only one weekend during that month, and it was simply to pay his final month’s rent on his apartment, gather all his belongings and head back down to Fairfield, PA.
Heather had railed at him for almost an entire week when she’d realized he was moving himself into her home to keep a close eye on her. “I’m not going to off myself, you know. I am stronger than that!”
Jack merely smirked at her and leaned against the doorway to the room he’d been occupying. “John’s life insurance won’t keep you afloat for too long, I saw you looking up bedroom furniture before I left. Sweetheart, you’re going to need some help to make sure you stay on your feet.”
She stepped up right in front of him, and Jack couldn’t help being amused at her. All of maybe five foot three inches, Heather’s petite yet curvy form looked like a kitten trying to be a tiger as she glared at him before she turned and stomped down the hallway to slam her bedroom door shut.
Five full days passed before Heather would look him in the eye again. He sat on the couch, channel surfing through her three hundred channel satellite package and shook his head, three hundred channels, only a third of that actual stations, and nothing on any of them. He’d flipped to the DVR and was about to put on a cheesy B-rated movie when she came downstairs dressed in goofy polar bear pajama pants and an oversized sweatshirt. She looked at him for a total of fifteen seconds before she plopped onto the couch beside him and nudged him with her elbow.
Jack smirked and nudged her back. “Forgiven.”
“How long are you going to stay?”
He looked down at her and heaved a sigh. “Well, the nearest place I could do anything with my degree is Gettysburg. And that’s if they’d hire me at the university. I’m staying until you don’t need me anymore.”
Heather looked up at him, her blue eyes almost like ice as she stared at him, her gaze searching for something unknown. “I’m always going to need you Jack.”
“You know what I mean,” dear God, he tried like hell to ignore all the damned emotions that stirred inside of him at her words.
“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, you know that.” 

Should I? ....

Should I? Hmm... I haven't gotten many shares or comments though! Yeah I"m mean! :P

MOAR INTERACTIONS! gimme more and I'll give you something with more sizzle!

Friday, January 8, 2016

A mother's job is never done.

I do everything I can to be a good mom. I'm told that I'm an amazing one, doing a great job with my kids, praised on how well behaved they are in public. I strive to have decent kids who'll grow into responsible and respectful adults. I saw a quote once, I believe it was from Louis CK - I'm raising the adults they will become. I hadn't given it much thought until I read that quote, but it fits my parenting style exactly. I'm working hard to teach them importance of staying on task, teaching them much needed lessons that I didn't have as a child.

I was my mom's only kid, so naturally I was spoiled. But that also meant I had to learn lessons the hard way. The VERY hard way. I want my kids prepared. So I step in very little to help solve problems. I want them to figure it out for themselves, make them think about why something is happening, and what they can do to fix it. Whether it's a toy not cooperating, a fight with a sibling, or even homework. I'll check homework of course, but I want THEM to do it. I had my fill of homework, thank you very much. It's their turn to learn, and how will they learn if I step in and do it for them? Simply giving a child the answer won't help them learn anything.


That being said, my oldest has been having some serious issues this year. It started last year at some point, where her friend K had been telling Bug that her mother didn't like her and Mrs K didn't want bug over there, and didn't want to let K over here to play over the summer. K said many things to Bug that hurt her feelings - though she didn't show it, but as a mom, you can see it in their eyes - but she didn't let it stop her being friends with K.

There was another girl, A, who bullied K relentlessly. Bug was friends with A until she witnessed the bullying happening, then stood up for K, effectively ending that friendship. -- so I was told. Go back to about a month ago, I'm trying to get Bug's friends here for her birthday -- poor girl born 3 days after Christmas... it's not easy for her to have parties. No one RSVPs to her NYE party. It upset ME because I know Bug was upset even if she didn't let it really show.

What upset me more was hearing that K's mother was getting very vocal about Bug, and telling K -- who relayed to Bug -- that Mrs K despised her and didn't want K having ANYTHING to do with Bug. Well that set my hackles up. Mama bear has NOTHING up against Tiger mom. I politely sent a text to Mrs K asking if we could speak to get to the bottom of what was going on, and apologized for Bug if there was something she had done to offend her. Kids will be kids, yanno? Nothing in return. I texted a few more times, NOTHING. Finally two days later I get a call from Mr K. She couldn't even talk to me herself, she sent her husband to talk to me -- who has NO idea what's going through his wife's head or what's going on with his daughter.

He and I spoke, and he informed me that not only has K been lying to Bug about what the mother has been saying, but she's been feeding them a bunch of crap as well. Saying that" A has been staying the night here every weekend, and that we're part of the Illuminati and that A's parents are devil worshippers, and that's why we all get along so well." DIRECT quote from the father. That pissed me the hell off. I let it be known, loud and clear that his daughter is a liar, and perhaps it's time he have an actual talk with her, whether or not he wants to get into the girl drama or not, his daughter is lying to them.

Fast forward to after winter break. Bug is now having issues, because she overheard the conversation between the father and I. She knows everything K has been saying about her, and I know it hurt her down to her soul. She feels betrayed, and I can't help but watch all of this unfold and see the hell I went through my senior year in high school playing out all over again. Bug has two more friends. M and C. C refused to acknowledge ANYTHING from Bug over break, and come to find out it's because K has been lying to C about Bug as well. Then M steps into it, I think she was trying to be peace maker, but when Bug informed M that K has been lying all this time, none of them will believe Bug. She's been trying to talk to the guidance councilor about all of this, pull the girls all down there and talk it out, but it's not going well.

This morning she begged me to come down to the school and talk to K, C, and M and tell them about the conversation had with the father. I told her I can't just go down there and pull three girls who are not related to me out of their classes, no matter how badly I may want to to attempt to stop this foolishness.

Told her that she needs to go to Mrs James first thing this morning when she gets off the bus. Well, apparently she's not easy to find in the morning, so I suggested her going to the office and asking them to page her. Wellll... then she'd have to talk to the new principal instead. I just looked at her and asked her if she really wanted this crap done with. Of course she does... "Then do what you need to do to end this, because I hate seeing you hurting. Do what you have to, and if I'm called, I'll be there in a heart beat." She's worried that if she goes to the principal all the parents will be called. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's what's needed to get all this business into the open.

But regardless, until I get a phone call from the school, I can't do anything to help my baby. It breaks my heart, and puts me on the verge of tears for her. I know this whole situation is bothering her, and hurting her in ways she can't even understand yet. If this concludes with the three girls ceasing their friendship with Bug, I don't know how she'll trust people. For her, with the crap she's been through in the last four years... a lot of it is my fault, moving her around to three different schools in three years... divorcing her father... She's been through hell. and I can do what I need to to try to make things better for her here, encourage her to join clubs and do what she loves to do... But it doesn't mean that she'll adjust easily. it doesn't mean that it'll help her ability to allow people in. She barely lets me in.

Only once has she completely broken down and sobbed in my arms. Oct of 2014. When she gave up on her father because he wasn't showing up for his weekend visitation. I think that's a main reason why she had been keeping the fiance at arm's length for so long. Her own father turned his back on her... who the hell is this new guy, and if her father could do that, he can to, can't get too close.

It just breaks my heart that she's had to grow up and mature as fast and as early as she has. I take the blame for it, believe that I do.

But taking the blame doesn't take her hurt away. It doesn't stop girls from betraying her, it doesn't stop the distrust that will inevitably form in her heart, if it's not there already.

I'm doing my best... but sometimes it feels as if my best isn't enough.