Friday, January 8, 2016
A mother's job is never done.
I was my mom's only kid, so naturally I was spoiled. But that also meant I had to learn lessons the hard way. The VERY hard way. I want my kids prepared. So I step in very little to help solve problems. I want them to figure it out for themselves, make them think about why something is happening, and what they can do to fix it. Whether it's a toy not cooperating, a fight with a sibling, or even homework. I'll check homework of course, but I want THEM to do it. I had my fill of homework, thank you very much. It's their turn to learn, and how will they learn if I step in and do it for them? Simply giving a child the answer won't help them learn anything.
That being said, my oldest has been having some serious issues this year. It started last year at some point, where her friend K had been telling Bug that her mother didn't like her and Mrs K didn't want bug over there, and didn't want to let K over here to play over the summer. K said many things to Bug that hurt her feelings - though she didn't show it, but as a mom, you can see it in their eyes - but she didn't let it stop her being friends with K.
There was another girl, A, who bullied K relentlessly. Bug was friends with A until she witnessed the bullying happening, then stood up for K, effectively ending that friendship. -- so I was told. Go back to about a month ago, I'm trying to get Bug's friends here for her birthday -- poor girl born 3 days after Christmas... it's not easy for her to have parties. No one RSVPs to her NYE party. It upset ME because I know Bug was upset even if she didn't let it really show.
What upset me more was hearing that K's mother was getting very vocal about Bug, and telling K -- who relayed to Bug -- that Mrs K despised her and didn't want K having ANYTHING to do with Bug. Well that set my hackles up. Mama bear has NOTHING up against Tiger mom. I politely sent a text to Mrs K asking if we could speak to get to the bottom of what was going on, and apologized for Bug if there was something she had done to offend her. Kids will be kids, yanno? Nothing in return. I texted a few more times, NOTHING. Finally two days later I get a call from Mr K. She couldn't even talk to me herself, she sent her husband to talk to me -- who has NO idea what's going through his wife's head or what's going on with his daughter.
He and I spoke, and he informed me that not only has K been lying to Bug about what the mother has been saying, but she's been feeding them a bunch of crap as well. Saying that" A has been staying the night here every weekend, and that we're part of the Illuminati and that A's parents are devil worshippers, and that's why we all get along so well." DIRECT quote from the father. That pissed me the hell off. I let it be known, loud and clear that his daughter is a liar, and perhaps it's time he have an actual talk with her, whether or not he wants to get into the girl drama or not, his daughter is lying to them.
Fast forward to after winter break. Bug is now having issues, because she overheard the conversation between the father and I. She knows everything K has been saying about her, and I know it hurt her down to her soul. She feels betrayed, and I can't help but watch all of this unfold and see the hell I went through my senior year in high school playing out all over again. Bug has two more friends. M and C. C refused to acknowledge ANYTHING from Bug over break, and come to find out it's because K has been lying to C about Bug as well. Then M steps into it, I think she was trying to be peace maker, but when Bug informed M that K has been lying all this time, none of them will believe Bug. She's been trying to talk to the guidance councilor about all of this, pull the girls all down there and talk it out, but it's not going well.
This morning she begged me to come down to the school and talk to K, C, and M and tell them about the conversation had with the father. I told her I can't just go down there and pull three girls who are not related to me out of their classes, no matter how badly I may want to to attempt to stop this foolishness.
Told her that she needs to go to Mrs James first thing this morning when she gets off the bus. Well, apparently she's not easy to find in the morning, so I suggested her going to the office and asking them to page her. Wellll... then she'd have to talk to the new principal instead. I just looked at her and asked her if she really wanted this crap done with. Of course she does... "Then do what you need to do to end this, because I hate seeing you hurting. Do what you have to, and if I'm called, I'll be there in a heart beat." She's worried that if she goes to the principal all the parents will be called. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's what's needed to get all this business into the open.
But regardless, until I get a phone call from the school, I can't do anything to help my baby. It breaks my heart, and puts me on the verge of tears for her. I know this whole situation is bothering her, and hurting her in ways she can't even understand yet. If this concludes with the three girls ceasing their friendship with Bug, I don't know how she'll trust people. For her, with the crap she's been through in the last four years... a lot of it is my fault, moving her around to three different schools in three years... divorcing her father... She's been through hell. and I can do what I need to to try to make things better for her here, encourage her to join clubs and do what she loves to do... But it doesn't mean that she'll adjust easily. it doesn't mean that it'll help her ability to allow people in. She barely lets me in.
Only once has she completely broken down and sobbed in my arms. Oct of 2014. When she gave up on her father because he wasn't showing up for his weekend visitation. I think that's a main reason why she had been keeping the fiance at arm's length for so long. Her own father turned his back on her... who the hell is this new guy, and if her father could do that, he can to, can't get too close.
It just breaks my heart that she's had to grow up and mature as fast and as early as she has. I take the blame for it, believe that I do.
But taking the blame doesn't take her hurt away. It doesn't stop girls from betraying her, it doesn't stop the distrust that will inevitably form in her heart, if it's not there already.
I'm doing my best... but sometimes it feels as if my best isn't enough.