Sunday, May 25, 2014

A bit dark tonight

I won't normally make a habit of putting out dark/emo/negative/depressing.... whatever posts, but that's about how I'm feeling tonight.

I'm an empath, a very strong empath.  I feel the emotions of those around me, and they can affect me in sometimes dangerous ways.  Talking with a friend tonight, I realized a few things about myself.

1) No matter how desperately I try I will never sever the bond created between me and my ex boyfriend (lasted all of a couple months) He and I were best friends, SO fucking close for a long time, and then we tried a relationship and it killed us. BUT that soul link is still there, we created it without even meaning to or knowing how we did it.  But it's a very real thing.  I can tell when he's hurting, when he's happy, when he's thinking about me.  tonight it's the first and last. 

2) I have my own personal demons that I'm still trying to fight off.

3) I mind walk without even realizing I'm doing it.  I project my consciousness into someone's thoughts - did it to my friend tonight, and I"m sporting a headache because of it, go me.

But back to #1. I've been feeling off all day, mostly because Mr Ashley was sending me mixed messages on going to dinner tonight. so that let my guard down a lot. Normally I have a shield around me that protects me from the ex boyfriend's projections. It's so bad tonight that his projection made me cry.  I felt this wave of grief so strong that it brought me to tears. I know he was watching Edward Scissorhands.  It's the one movie that can break him down mentally, he does it to let go of the grief.
I've tried severing the bond before, but my friend told me that won't ever happen, because the bond wasn't just emotional, it linked our souls together.  he also has his mother's shields protecting him.  I hit them when I tried breaking it, and it prevented me from severing the tie.

-- I know what some of you might be thinking, okay, she's fucking insane. No. I'm NOT. The mystical is very real, Magik is very real.  I've tapped into that side of myself, let's just agree that I believe in it, and if you don't, that's okay, you can stop reading the entry now, or skim down to the bottom. --

Now this ex doesn't even realize that the bond is still there, doesn't even realize that he's projecting so intensely, that he calls out to me and disrupts my life with his calls. A soul link... it's stronger than I had even realized before.  I will never be completely rid of him, and I hadn't before.  I've known him since 2004.  almost ten years (Met him first in July 2004) ever since that fall when we first connected that bond was created, 'cause even when I started hating him and stopped talking to him for a year and a half, I still thought about him and how he was doing.  In between 2007 and 2010 when we stopped talking again I couldn't stop thinking about him. There's a connection with him and has been for almost ten years.  We always come back to each other. ALWAYS. but this time because we shared something so intimate -- love, sex, a deep friendship -- it's run deeper, and the emotional bond has gone straight into my soul. 

Okay non believers, here's where you'll be okay to read again :P

So I woke up this morning, 5am, to a head splitting migraine.  instantly put me into the worst mood imaginable. Did NOT help that night before last, I asked Mr Ashley if we could go out to dinner tonight. I missed him and wanted to spend some time with him one on one since he's been working thirds, getting to see him is in passing. He said, you'll have to wake me up, make us reservations.  Okay! I can do that.
He gets home Friday morning from work, and then said this exact thing to me:
"I"ve gotta get up for work tonight, dinner tomorrow night, and then work again.  I can't get one day to sleep in." .....
Got it. You changed your mind but didn't want to hurt my feelings. would have been better if you would have just fucking told me that. -- BUT it's not like him to be all 'beat around the bush' so I don't know what the fuck he thought he was doing saying that shit to me.
Went to work in a bad mood, but thankfully the customers were all cool and put me in a better mood. 
Then the headache this morning, I slept until 1pm, got up, showered, and felt okay until about 5. I tried to get some stuff done around the house, did some dishes. then just started feeling these waves of ANGER I was getting so pissed.  I do'nt know WHY.... I lost my appetite trying to figure out what I wanted to eat, I was going to still wake him up and tell him "dinner or a movie?" three hours pass, I do'nt feel hungry at all. -- I've only eaten a bowl of cereal today. That's IT.
I got so upset that I felt sick when I thought about food. Felt so guilt stricken because I wanted to have a date night with my boyfriend.  I decided not to wake him up afterall.  Talked to my friend some, and while I was on the phone with my friend, Mr Ashley got up went to the bathroom, then poked his head into my son's room where I was folding his clothes, and said "I thought you were going to wake me up for dinner?" in this fucking DISAPPOINTED TONE.....
Guilt trip #2....
now here it is, ten til eleven, he's back in bed, and i"m ready to just go to sleep.  But I"m so upset, I don't want to lay down with him right now.  I need to talk to him I know I do, I just don't even know what I'd say. 
I just want him back on 2nds so I can actually see my boyfriend and have him back again.  Brian hasn't been himself in the last 5 weeks that he's been on 3rds. I don't like it.

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