Profound Realizations.

 How easy it is to lose yourself in something. Whether it's a good book, a TV show, a movie, writing, coloring, or playing games. Things like these could all be acceptable -- to a point mind you -- to lose yourself in. But there comes a point, a line drawn, where it becomes self defeating. Self destructive.

But those things could be easily dropped, put away for a while, forgotten.

Emotions are harder.

As a species we have emotions that rule us, that allow us to love, to hate, to find joy and sorrow. And while the firsts on the list can overwhelm and overcome us... the hardest of all, and the most self destructive is sorrow. Grief.

Grief is a terrible, terrible monster that looms over you and it sucks. I don't necessarily mean that it's bad/it sucks. I mean it literally sucks. It sucks the life out of you. Tears you down, and allows you to tear others down with you. I have watched grief begin to suck the life out of my family when my grandpa passed back in July. Hell, it sucked the life out of me. It wasn't until maybe two weeks after his passing that I was able to wake up and say "He wouldn't want me like this." And begin to pick up the pieces and move forward. Not on... just forward.

Most recently, I'm watching grief suck the life out of a man I love more than life itself. It's weighing so heavily on him that the tangible energy that was in the house had doubled, and is pressing down on all of us. I will be saging tonight, but I'm not sure how much it can do.

I've offered to be there to listen, to let him just talk to me, tell me what I can do to help him.

Nothing helps. Nothing works, he can't talk to me. Because "You don't understand what goes on in my head. It would terrify you."

Try again.

Credit to Toby Allen - zestydoesthings.tumblr.com   --- amazing artwork!

Because no matter what horrific, deplorable imagery his OCD brain could conjure up, NOTHING could terrify me from him. Nothing could scare me away from him, because despite the images that his twisted brain can come up with, I know the man ruling his body. But no matter how many times I assure him that he couldn't be further from the truth, he falls back on the hardest thing for me to accept.

"You don't understand, you couldn't."

I can't help him. Grief is sucking his soul from him, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. The man I love is there.... he says he loves me, he hugs and kisses me, he goes to work. But it feels as if he's merely pulling strings to appear normal... that he says the words and does the actions so I don't worry. But I can feel his grief, his fury. And it doesn't matter how badly I WANT to help him, if he doesn't accept my hand, stretching out for him, desperately reaching out to pull him from the dark abyss that's threatening to encompass him and steal him from me... If he doesn't reach back... there's nothing I can do.

I'm powerless.

That is the most horrible feeling I've ever had. Being unable to help someone I love. To feel like I can't be trusted by someone whom I love so deeply.

But it doesn't even stop there.

One of my best friends, whom I've known for a decade is dealing with some serious shit. I tell him, you can talk to me. I'm here. I"m here for you.... But even he cannot trust me entirely to talk to. to rant to, to express what makes him turn to his addiction...

All because.... "You don't understand."

And dammit, I'm trying! I'm trying so hard to understand, I WANT to understand. But maybe they're right. Maybe I can't,

At least one of them does appreciate that I want to.

I'll concentrate on fighting my own demons while they fight theirs. and if they reach out for help, all I can do is be there and show them, I'm a woman of my word. I will sit and listen and do what I can to help them. But only when they ask for it.

Which only triggers this little guy to start his whisperings...

Once again, credit to Toby Allen

And that little monster invites this friend along for the ride...

Making for a difficult and tear filled counselling session with my therapist this morning. Gotta keep moving on though... There's a very long to do list and it won't get done if I'm sitting here and not going back out into the windy cold.

Don't stop dating!

If it's one thing I've learned over the years about being in a working, functional, and happy relationship... Don't take each other for granted. EVER. Because it doesn't matter if you're emotionally invested, or they are, it doesn't matter if kids or families or pets are involved. You can lose what you've come to expect.

Never just assume that the person you're with is happy and content. Don't ever just assume they know you love them. Never think that they know you find them attractive or desirable. You need to make certain by doing simple gestures, telling them, anything!

Remember the affection you showed each other when you first started dating? The small brushes of your hand down their arm, across their back, through their hair? The way you may lay your hand on their cheek when you kissed them?

Those actions should NEVER cease. Ever.

Plan dates. Even if it's in home dates. Even if it's something as simple as pizza and a movie. Even if it means swinging through a gas station and getting a fifty cent chocolate bar or candy they like. Stop along side the road for her and pick queen anne's lace to give her a pretty bouquet.

Even when you move in with each other, get engaged, walk down the aisle.... never stop dating each other. Never stop being ravenous for each other. Remember how it was when you first got together? You couldn't keep your hands off each other. Maybe it was every night, maybe it was once a week, but you found ways to be together, and show your affection for each other. Even if you have to schedule it in, DO IT.

Burn incense, a scented candle, wear a fragrance you know they love. Dress nicely now and then, style your hair, put on your make up, wear the heels, put away the tattered tennis shoes you wear every damned day.

Take the burden of a chore off their hands if they're having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month.

Never let them feel alone! EVER! No matter how frustrated you may get with each other, remember you chose to spend your time with this person, so why is it? Is it humor? Is it the way the silence between you is so comfortable? Is it the way they feel in your arms? Remember it, and show them that!

NEVER stop dating the person your with. Even when you're old and wrinkled and grey, and sex is a thing of the long forgotten past... A gentle kiss on the cheek, holding their hand in public.

Never think it has to be a grand gesture, or expensive. Sometimes it's the little things that matter! It's the THOUGHT put into the gestures, the words, that makes a person feel loved and special. You can't just stop doing them because you do them so often that it loses it's significance.... Oh look, Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I'll just do something nice then.

Really? Think again. Most people don't care for that holiday anymore. Most people want to be told they're loved, and SHOWN they're loved the other 364 days a year (365 this year) Once a month, bi weekly... make a point to do something nice and thoughtful for the person you're in love with. Because once the romance is gone... what have you become?

Without romance in a relationship... you're roommates. You're friends with benefits. You're taking that person for granted. You're assuming what you have will always be there.

Romance is what keeps that person around. Romance is what keeps them happy and content. Reminders of why they fell in love with you, and it keeps them falling in love with you every day.

Don't ever forget romance. It's not just a book genre. It's a way of loving someone. It's showing appreciation.

Never. Ever. Stop. Dating.

Tangible Grief

This past weekend was probably one of the hardest my household has had to endure. Coming in second only to my own grandfather's passing, the Fiance lost someone very special to him Friday night.

He has owned only one pet since I met him 3 1/2 years ago (almost 4 years now) A bearded dragon named Padmae. I thought... okay... it's a reptile.

A lizard. This guy has a lizard as a pet. Okay.... no big deal. My grade school best friend had an iguana... that fucker was HUGE. Can't be that bad, right?


Not. At. All!

Padmae was probably the coolest looking reptile I've ever seen in my LIFE.

She SMILED! She smiled in reaction to things that happened here. To the kids, to me yelling at the kids... She particularly enjoyed that .... Dunno why really.

When the fiance would put on classic rock, she would smile just like she is in this pic, if not wider. They say that Beardies will open their mouths like that to cool off, kinda like a dog panting since there's no sweat glands? No... No, Padmae SMILED. She knew what was up, and had one of the largest personalities a reptile could probably ever have. Padmae had a SOUL.



 But unfortunately, two weeks ago, she got sick. Right about after the pic beside here was taken. She was having problems moving, didn't eat, wasn't having any bowel movements at all. Naturally the Fiance was really worried about her, and so took her to the vet. The vet, as always told the Fiance how well cared for she was and that she may have injured one of her front legs, as she reacted to having it messed with. So he gave her pain killers, which seemed to help. For a while. But she kept getting worse. WEird bumps appeared at the back hips. Fiance thought she may have been impacted - which can happen if they don't poop for a while. Which... hadn't happened. So... on with the oil injections, which she HAAAATED but it needed to be done. We also, since she still hadn't eaten anything in a long time, started giving her baby food injections to get calories in her. She was getting weaker.

Then she started having problems breathing, and the Vet thought maybe it was a cold. But she's had an upper respiratory infection before. It wasn't like this, she still ate... this was different. The vet couldn't explain it.

Thursday night she was doing okay, Fiance got held over at work, and didn't get home until 3. Apparently when he got home she wasn't doing so well. She couldn't breathe and freaked out. She was having mucus collecting in her throat, and didn't have the ability to get rid of it, She couldn't swallow it, couldn't spit it out, nothing. So it was suffocating her. Fiance squirted water down her throat and soothed her. Got her alright again.

Friday morning then -- about three hours later, I got up, and she wasn't moving. She constantly had her mouth open trying to breathe. I got the kids onto the bus, and was keeping a wary eye on her, watching closely to make sure she was breathing. I couldn't see anything. So I got up and moved over to her tank. She cocked her head to look up at me.

OH THANK THE GODS.

Scared the hell out of me.

Throughout the day she was mouth breathing, but no more freakouts.

I suggested to the fiance to use the plastic syringe to suck some of the mucus out of her throat. It had to help, right?! He did it, but she must have bit down weird on it or something, because she was bleeding a lil bit. But he also cleared her nasal passages. mucus had dried and she couldn't breathe that way either. She was doing good for the rest of the day and evening while Fiance went to work.

I was keeping a close eye on her, but then I worked on my mom's neck for a while. ....

I saw her breathe in really deep while I was standing there talking to her... I saw her take her last breath. I didn't realize it, because she had been really still most of the day, taking shallow breaths. I got Tiger and Angel off to bed, and just as mom was leaving and Bug was about to head to bed, I noticed she wasn't breathing at all...

moved closer to the tank, she didn't move. opened the lid, still nothing. petted her a little, nothing, tried to pick her up... she didn't go limp...

Oh.... fuck.

I was the one freaking out then. What the hell do I do?! I have to be the one to tell my fiance his baby was gone. I remembered immediately how Fiance had to catch me before I hit the vet's floor when I had to put Spooky, my familiar to sleep. I texted his mom asking her for advice, what do I do?! She told me to tell him, because he'd be even more upset if he didn't know when it happened.

So, I sent a simple text. "Baby... she's gone,"

"Fuck. Okay, put a towel over her for me."

So I did. and I waited. and waited. 45 minutes... those were probably one of the longest 45 minutes of my life waiting for him to get home. He walked in the door, most of the lights in the tank were off. He set his bag and cooler down, looked at her cage, and then his grief hit me like a brick wall. Instantly my heart clenched and he turned from the tank to move into the kitchen. He was crying.... actually crying.

He didn't cry like this at his grandparent's funerals. One tear he shed for MaMaw. One. This was complete and utter grief. Sobs. I watched him closely, he's a difficult one to understand what he wants. He went into the bedroom and stood there at the dresser, and I couldn't just leave him be. I held onto him, held him as tightly as I could, telling him how sorry I was.

The sobs were bad enough... but the words he spoke... how the last thing she got from him was pain... How he should have stayed home, because he knew she was going to die. He should have done more. He should have done this, or that.... He lost his baby.

Every self loathing, guilt ridden sentence he spoke broke my heart just a little more. I remembered how Spooky's death effected me. How guilt ridden I was because I didn't get him to the vet sooner. I didn't say much, just held onto him, assured him when I could, and just let him cry.

His grief was so thick, I felt like I was walking through water. It was draining trying to block it to save my strength and not break right along with him. It was my turn to be strong for him, dammit all. And I was. I was as strong as I could be until he asked me while we were in bed if I was that bad with Spooky.... He broke me a little then, and I let out a couple of sobs before I could compose myself and keep him from comforting me then. It was his turn, this was about him and his loss, not mine.

It hurt so much to see him in such pain. He built her a coffin, buried her with one of his T-shirts..... one I bought him.... He wouldn't let me come outside with him when he buried her. But we all watched him from the back windows. I could feel his grief even still.

Yesterday he was finally a little better. Got some of his humor back. made little remarks and touches that he hadn't done in a couple of weeks. He was so worried about her, but it was like after he came to terms with her being gone, that stress was gone and he was on his way to being himself again.

It's never easy losing a pet, a companion, a familiar. and I completely believe that Padmae was Fiance's familiar. She had a life and energy that went beyond a normal animal. She had an attitude, sass, and a sense of humor.

the desk sits empty now... it's hard to not have her lights there anymore. We put everything out in the shed, not to be looked at for two or more months. He will never have another beardie. and I can't blame him. He might change his mind one day, but today isn't that day.

Senator Padmae, you were loved, and cherished, and spoiled rotten. Be at peace waiting for him.

Drama, drama, drama....

You'd think since I left the chiropractic office I wouldn't be subjected to their never ending litany of bullshit.

..... You'd think.

However, that's not the case as last week I checked my bank account to see if my douchebag ex had actually paid his child support (He hadn't). Not only did I not have the child support, I was also over drawn by $207!!!

Immediately I'm thinking, how in the hell can this be? Did Bug click something on her Kindle again? Did she make a bunch of purchases?! No, no, no, this can't be happening!

But no, it wasn't my daughter, and it certainly WAS happening. My former employer put a stop payment order on my paycheck! Not only did she take back 202.67, but caused a $12 fee for the chargeback, AND a lovely $33 overdraft fee! I was keeping $37 in my account after getting a bill paid so I could get my meds. and then I couldn't even get THAT!

Overdrawn by $207 and a handful of change, my heart stopped and I thought I was having a full on panic attack. Maybe I was, who knows... But I went down to the bank and tried to sort it out, nothing that could be done since it came from a different bank.

So... I did the only thing I could do in that moment. I sent out a text.

*Boss's name*, I got to find out today you issued a stop payment on the paycheck I received 1/4. I am aware of the whys in the matter, however, that check was also short $225 for referrals. Now I know I clearly wrote my daughter's name, my mother's name and *patient name* - a friend of the family's name on the time sheet. My not receiving that I had considered my debt to you repaid. In stopping that check, you have now made it impossible for me to get needed medication, and overdrew my account. I worked for that money and I am entitled to it. I want another check cut for the $202.67 that I'm owed, and you can consider the unpayment of the three referrals as making whatever you think I owe you finished. 

Well, not only did I not receive a message back, but I also didn't get any notification that she intended to do anything of the sort. 

The next day I got a phone call from her while I was writing (attempting, not succeeding). It went to voice mail, but she didn't leave a message. I was too pissed off to do anything to return the contact until the following day, in which I figured, if there is going to be a conversation I'm going to have physical proof that she doesn't intend on giving me what I"m rightfully entitled to. 

So, another text was sent.

I see you attempted to call me yesterday. I don't think there's anything to say on this issue. It's very clear what needs to happen. If you feel the need to clarify which references to which I was owed, *Bug's name*, *Mom's name*, and *Patient name*. Your daughter also promised I would get referral credit for *J's full name*, but I wasn't holding my breath on that. I expected a paycheck for my final 6 days Monday, plus the $202.67 you retracted unlawfully. 

This is all I believe needs to be said, but if you feel the need to add anything, it will need to be done through text.

I then received nothing over the weekend, and nothing yesterday... payday. So... one more text went out this morning. 

I do truly hope my final paycheck is waiting at the Sandusky office for me. If it is not, I wish to direct you to, www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/final-paycheck-employee-rights-chart-29882.html

Truly you had until the 15th for it by legality's sake. 

Nothing in return. Apparently radio silence is what I'm going to be getting. 

MMKay then. Let's play hardball, lady. 

Tomorrow I don't have my kids as they'll be back in school (FINALLY!!!! this has been a LONG weekend) So I'll be making a trip down there to get that check. Here's hoping they won't try to be stupid and make me take them to small claims court. Because I will do it. I"m also willing to look up previous LMTs from the Sandusky office and see exactly why they left. I'm intrigued. Especially considering the language used toward me, and the language used to explain why Morgan left. 

Of course I will keep the blog updated on what happens. I have a feeling I"m about to fight a battle. I don't think I'm ready for it either. 

Confrontations and delays.

So, following up from Friday's post about Bug's school issues, the fiance and I did indeed go to the school yesterday afternoon and sat down with the guidance counselor. She seemed oblivious as to my irritation, until I started speaking about Bug's issues. Then she understood, but kept bringing it around to the conversation I had with Mr. K. That wasn't the issue, and I told her that, but it really didn't seem to sink in.

The biggest issue now is M and C and how they've been bullying my daughter. GC told me that she'd actually spoken to the principal Friday about it, and insisted that the girls needed some sort of discipline. Thank the gods.

I strongly.... well... let me rephrase... DEMANDED that all four girls be brought together in the same room, parents be contacted and brought in, as many as possible, and she, and the principal need to sit in on this. If these girls see all these adults brought together over their actions, maybe it'll stress enough to them that what they're doing -- M&C's bullying, and K's lying -- is WRONG.

During this meeting, I want Mr. K there so he and I can explain our conversation, and let Mr K see his daughter's behavior first hand. I REALLY want Mrs. K to be there as well to see what the lack of discipline has made her child into. BUT Mr. K works for the school district, I know he'll at least be present. So K's words will be outed to the girls who swear K isn't lying.

The guidance counselor is 100% for the meeting with these girls, yet she's still going to stress that not only should this meeting take place but the girls need disciplined as well. I'm in complete agreement. Hopefully the fiance will be able to be present.

I looked the GC in the eyes and said, "I'm urging you to have this meeting set up by the end of the week. Preferably before Friday. Because if this isn't taken care of and finished by the end of the week, I will be back in here, and I will take matters into my own hands." Her eyes widened at me, but my "I'm not fucking kidding" look in my eyes shut her up. I finished with "MY daughter - who takes care of her own business herself - is begging me to step in. Either you help me intervene, or I"ll do it myself."

All the GC could do was say "Understood."

Mutha fucka, I will fuck yo shit up! 

However.... I was expecting to hear from the principal today, but because Ohio forgot how to Winter appropriately... School was closed. So here's hoping I hear from her tomorrow, and this meeting can take place on Thursday. We'll see.

I will put an end to this. Hands are no longer tied, The Tigermom is out.

Hopefully soon I won't have to worry about the girls anymore, and Bug can go back to having a peaceful school environment.

And then we can go back to this instead:

I haven't gotten to write much in the last couple of days, but I need to, badly. Just housework and everything else catching up with me *cries* 

OH! I'm also starting a project with a friend of mine, he runs an IT business here in town, and OMG his office is an OCD nightmare. I don't even have OCD and I twitch going in there. So I'll be organizing it for him and his business partner. I'm makin' em pay me too! LOL Gonna see if they'll be alright letting me post up before and after pics :) 

Til tomorrow! Send some energy my way, would ya? 

Old souls and romantic notions

 So, on my post on the 7th, I touched on my love of astrology and mentioned that the fiance was/is an old soul, said I would touch on it in a few minutes, and then dropped the ball on that.

However, the astrology post got so long, that I figured it was alright to just do a separate post for that.

I've always known that I'm an old soul. I have knowledge -- common sense, life learned knowledge -- that most people will never have in one life. My mother always called me an old soul, I people watched a lot as a child, and while an emotional creature -- I blame being a Pisces -- I was quiet most of the time, shy, and untrusting of many people.

I've had dreams that felt too real to just be something my mind conjured up, and I know that they were memories from past lives creeping into my mind. I'm also an empath. I always have been able to sense other people's emotions, feel it as if they were my own. It's why my compassion is as strong as it is, a reason why I'm a Massage Therapist. Though it can be draining from the negative energy when people are in pain, I've learned to shield so I"m not as drained while still putting healing energy into what I"m doing.

My soul recognizes other's souls -- one reason why I was able to trust the fiance as quickly as I did. My soul recognized his as its mate. We compliment each other in ways I've never known before, and it's completely amazing.

But... I recognized the Bug's soul the moment she was born 11 years ago. I knew she and I had been together in a previous life, and she was meant to come to me in this life. Same with the Tiger. Bug has a much older soul than Tiger does though. Bug has always been serious, always people watching, she takes things in stride, even if it's something Tiger would collapse into tears about, Bug just shrugs it off like it's no big deal.

We are a family of old souls in this home. But what truly let me know just how old Fiance is was the first night we truly made love. My soul felt him, could feel the ancient wisdom lingering just beneath the surface, and the desire to be free to be that man with someone. What took me by surprise though was when Fiance started having dreams of his own of past lives. He told me that the first time he met the kids that he felt a connection with Tiger. That he recognized her somehow, and he couldn't put his finger on it. Not until he had a dream of swing dancing with a woman in the twenties. He didn't recognize her by sight, but he knew her soul. it was Tiger. Those two have such an incredible bond, and have had it since that first night he hung out with us.

Ironic I found this picture on Facebook one night, Fire and water. The Aries and Pisces. It's definitely what I believe. There's a CS Lewis quote about not having a soul. You are a soul, you have a body. Yet another thing that I believe whole heartedly. You are your SOUL. and I do believe that past lives can influence future lives. Fears, insecurities, things we know but simply cannot explain? It's explainable, just sometimes a lot of people may not want to know the answer.

I also believe there was a time before recorded history -- forget the bible, because as a Wiccan I believe it's a book of fantastic stories. Nothing more -- where magik ruled the earth. Shape shifters, witches, werewolves, demons, angels, even vampires amongst the mortals. And I believe this because of what I FEEL from the fiance. His soul was born in this time. He was a wolf. I know this because he's always connected more with canines than humans. He's never been able to explain it. The full moon rules his moods and aggression, It's left over since that first incarnation.

Bug is that old as well, but her base, her magik? Not a clue yet. I have a feeling she was a shifter of some sort, whether it was Werewolf or otherwise, she has this Alpha personality that puts a LOT of girls in her class off. -- Capricorn on the first site on the post from Thursday  fits her to a T. 100%

Tiger? Well... I doubt her soul is more than 300 years old, and she hasn't had many lives.

The angel, however... He's brand new, and yet there's this connection with him to me that amazes me. I knew him before he was born. I'm not sure how true this could be, but I believe angel has a piece of my own soul within him. It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

I've done readings for a few friends on past lives. One of which, I know I spent time with in a previous life.

I have a feeling that explains the connection between J and I. Why there is this magnetic pull on me with him. My soul recognizes his in some way.

I often thought of the question, could someone have more than one soulmate? Could you have that deep soul connection with more than one person? Is there a likelihood of finding that in a single lifetime?

What do you think?

Yeah... this is pretty much it.

Being an author...

I always wanted to be published. As far back as I've had career driven dreams, I've wanted to be published. April 2014 was my chance, and it has been amazing so far. Five books out in the Club Aries series, another submitted to Evernight ... still waiting to hear back! GOING INSANE!!!!

But then I got invited to be a part of a BDSM anthology with the amazing Lori King. I've wanted to try my hand at BDSM, and in my blog a couple days ago -- my astrology one -- I mentioned that I've been working on it, and the premise of the story. I honestly don't have much written, and I need to focus on it, but... there's the catch.

To keep people interested, to retain readers and keep them enthralled, you need to have compelling stories. You also need quite a bit of time to be able to write. You also can't have internet ADD... You know... the case of the OO SHINIES! Yeah, that's definitely what I've got, and it's kinda annoying. I'm trying though! I really am.

I got through my first BDSM scene, and it's very light, but it's sexy as hell. Each of us in the anthology is focusing on a different kink. Mine? I chose sensory deprivation. My Dom has blindfolded my sub... or rather... HIS sub. He'll be playing hard rock into her ears next while blindfolded to make her trust him even more. I'm telling you, this Dom is ridiculously sexy, and is completely in love with his sub.

I was inspired by a good friend of mine, I've known him since Bug was 4 months old. There is a bit of fantasy in it for myself, but as my counselor asked, it's cathartic. It's healing to write the sub learning to trust someone completely again. I've put a bit of truth amongst the fantasy, and it's helped me deal with a lot of crap that's boiled up in my head lately.

Too much crap from my past but it's easier to deal with when inserting it throughout fantasies. Makes it easier to look at the happenings objectively and see, these characters can come through this shit, you'll be okay eventually.



I wanted to close out this shorter blog (Compared to the last couple that I've done) with an excerpt of what I've been working on. Maybe I'll be generous and give an "Aww" excerpt, and a JORDAN STOP MELTING MY SCREEN! one too

Jack knew that John was a bad apple, and knew that Heather was hurting. He and Teresa may have been the only two who knew Heather was putting together a fund to hire a lawyer to file for divorce. Many times after the funeral while they could hear her railing against the world in her bedroom after the girls had gone to sleep the duo had sat up at the kitchen table discussing what would happen to her and how she would handle it all.

Teresa vowed that she wouldn’t leave Heather alone until she was forced to, and though she worked, the woman that was probably better suited for a big city like Albany with her take no shit form anyone attitude didn’t go back on her word. Jack knew when Heather ordered Teresa out of the house a week after the funeral, shoving the red head’s duffel bag into her arms, that it wouldn’t be the last he saw of her.

He wasn’t mistaken either. Every day for a month after that Teresa stopped by the house on her way home from the Fairfield Inn to make sure Heather didn’t need anything. Jack had left only one weekend during that month, and it was simply to pay his final month’s rent on his apartment, gather all his belongings and head back down to Fairfield, PA.

Heather had railed at him for almost an entire week when she’d realized he was moving himself into her home to keep a close eye on her. “I’m not going to off myself, you know. I am stronger than that!”

Jack merely smirked at her and leaned against the doorway to the room he’d been occupying. “John’s life insurance won’t keep you afloat for too long, I saw you looking up bedroom furniture before I left. Sweetheart, you’re going to need some help to make sure you stay on your feet.”

She stepped up right in front of him, and Jack couldn’t help being amused at her. All of maybe five foot three inches, Heather’s petite yet curvy form looked like a kitten trying to be a tiger as she glared at him before she turned and stomped down the hallway to slam her bedroom door shut.

Five full days passed before Heather would look him in the eye again. He sat on the couch, channel surfing through her three hundred channel satellite package and shook his head, three hundred channels, only a third of that actual stations, and nothing on any of them. He’d flipped to the DVR and was about to put on a cheesy B-rated movie when she came downstairs dressed in goofy polar bear pajama pants and an oversized sweatshirt. She looked at him for a total of fifteen seconds before she plopped onto the couch beside him and nudged him with her elbow.

“Sorry.”

Jack smirked and nudged her back. “Forgiven.”

“How long are you going to stay?”

He looked down at her and heaved a sigh. “Well, the nearest place I could do anything with my degree is Gettysburg. And that’s if they’d hire me at the university. I’m staying until you don’t need me anymore.”

Heather looked up at him, her blue eyes almost like ice as she stared at him, her gaze searching for something unknown. “I’m always going to need you Jack.”

“You know what I mean,” dear God, he tried like hell to ignore all the damned emotions that stirred inside of him at her words.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, you know that.” 

Should I? ....

Should I? Hmm... I haven't gotten many shares or comments though! Yeah I"m mean! :P

MOAR INTERACTIONS! gimme more and I'll give you something with more sizzle!

A mother's job is never done.

I do everything I can to be a good mom. I'm told that I'm an amazing one, doing a great job with my kids, praised on how well behaved they are in public. I strive to have decent kids who'll grow into responsible and respectful adults. I saw a quote once, I believe it was from Louis CK - I'm raising the adults they will become. I hadn't given it much thought until I read that quote, but it fits my parenting style exactly. I'm working hard to teach them importance of staying on task, teaching them much needed lessons that I didn't have as a child.

I was my mom's only kid, so naturally I was spoiled. But that also meant I had to learn lessons the hard way. The VERY hard way. I want my kids prepared. So I step in very little to help solve problems. I want them to figure it out for themselves, make them think about why something is happening, and what they can do to fix it. Whether it's a toy not cooperating, a fight with a sibling, or even homework. I'll check homework of course, but I want THEM to do it. I had my fill of homework, thank you very much. It's their turn to learn, and how will they learn if I step in and do it for them? Simply giving a child the answer won't help them learn anything.

However...

That being said, my oldest has been having some serious issues this year. It started last year at some point, where her friend K had been telling Bug that her mother didn't like her and Mrs K didn't want bug over there, and didn't want to let K over here to play over the summer. K said many things to Bug that hurt her feelings - though she didn't show it, but as a mom, you can see it in their eyes - but she didn't let it stop her being friends with K.

There was another girl, A, who bullied K relentlessly. Bug was friends with A until she witnessed the bullying happening, then stood up for K, effectively ending that friendship. -- so I was told. Go back to about a month ago, I'm trying to get Bug's friends here for her birthday -- poor girl born 3 days after Christmas... it's not easy for her to have parties. No one RSVPs to her NYE party. It upset ME because I know Bug was upset even if she didn't let it really show.

What upset me more was hearing that K's mother was getting very vocal about Bug, and telling K -- who relayed to Bug -- that Mrs K despised her and didn't want K having ANYTHING to do with Bug. Well that set my hackles up. Mama bear has NOTHING up against Tiger mom. I politely sent a text to Mrs K asking if we could speak to get to the bottom of what was going on, and apologized for Bug if there was something she had done to offend her. Kids will be kids, yanno? Nothing in return. I texted a few more times, NOTHING. Finally two days later I get a call from Mr K. She couldn't even talk to me herself, she sent her husband to talk to me -- who has NO idea what's going through his wife's head or what's going on with his daughter.

He and I spoke, and he informed me that not only has K been lying to Bug about what the mother has been saying, but she's been feeding them a bunch of crap as well. Saying that" A has been staying the night here every weekend, and that we're part of the Illuminati and that A's parents are devil worshippers, and that's why we all get along so well." DIRECT quote from the father. That pissed me the hell off. I let it be known, loud and clear that his daughter is a liar, and perhaps it's time he have an actual talk with her, whether or not he wants to get into the girl drama or not, his daughter is lying to them.

Fast forward to after winter break. Bug is now having issues, because she overheard the conversation between the father and I. She knows everything K has been saying about her, and I know it hurt her down to her soul. She feels betrayed, and I can't help but watch all of this unfold and see the hell I went through my senior year in high school playing out all over again. Bug has two more friends. M and C. C refused to acknowledge ANYTHING from Bug over break, and come to find out it's because K has been lying to C about Bug as well. Then M steps into it, I think she was trying to be peace maker, but when Bug informed M that K has been lying all this time, none of them will believe Bug. She's been trying to talk to the guidance councilor about all of this, pull the girls all down there and talk it out, but it's not going well.

This morning she begged me to come down to the school and talk to K, C, and M and tell them about the conversation had with the father. I told her I can't just go down there and pull three girls who are not related to me out of their classes, no matter how badly I may want to to attempt to stop this foolishness.

Told her that she needs to go to Mrs James first thing this morning when she gets off the bus. Well, apparently she's not easy to find in the morning, so I suggested her going to the office and asking them to page her. Wellll... then she'd have to talk to the new principal instead. I just looked at her and asked her if she really wanted this crap done with. Of course she does... "Then do what you need to do to end this, because I hate seeing you hurting. Do what you have to, and if I'm called, I'll be there in a heart beat." She's worried that if she goes to the principal all the parents will be called. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's what's needed to get all this business into the open.

But regardless, until I get a phone call from the school, I can't do anything to help my baby. It breaks my heart, and puts me on the verge of tears for her. I know this whole situation is bothering her, and hurting her in ways she can't even understand yet. If this concludes with the three girls ceasing their friendship with Bug, I don't know how she'll trust people. For her, with the crap she's been through in the last four years... a lot of it is my fault, moving her around to three different schools in three years... divorcing her father... She's been through hell. and I can do what I need to to try to make things better for her here, encourage her to join clubs and do what she loves to do... But it doesn't mean that she'll adjust easily. it doesn't mean that it'll help her ability to allow people in. She barely lets me in.

Only once has she completely broken down and sobbed in my arms. Oct of 2014. When she gave up on her father because he wasn't showing up for his weekend visitation. I think that's a main reason why she had been keeping the fiance at arm's length for so long. Her own father turned his back on her... who the hell is this new guy, and if her father could do that, he can to, can't get too close.

It just breaks my heart that she's had to grow up and mature as fast and as early as she has. I take the blame for it, believe that I do.

But taking the blame doesn't take her hurt away. It doesn't stop girls from betraying her, it doesn't stop the distrust that will inevitably form in her heart, if it's not there already.

I'm doing my best... but sometimes it feels as if my best isn't enough.

Reflecting can be either good for one's soul... or dangerous.

And I'm not certain which it is tonight. Been thinking back over the relationships I've had, and the people I've been involved with. Wondering... Why didn't I see this or That should have been so obvious!

But it's not always there, is it? We see what we want to see, and can tend to ignore the warning signs.

There have been four people I've been closely involved with, connected with them on multiple levels, One I was able to let go of, because the connection I thought was there was merely superficial. The other three, however... one I'm engaged to - so that ought to tell you something. He and I connected right away, he was my "zing" to quote Hotel Transylvania. I knew immediately that I could trust him, and it wasn't just WANTING to trust him. I did. Right down to my soul. While when we first met, I wasn't looking for anyone or anything other than a good time and stress relief, and neither was he... I fell deeper in love with him than any other person. His soul spoke to mine. We're both old souls. Though he is much older than I am, by far... -- soul I mean, not physical age -- But I'll get to that in a few minutes.

The one before the fiance... "D"... We clashed a lot when we first met. I've spoken of him previously in my blog, very near the beginning. There's still that connection, that tie binding me to him. It's become more distant lately, but I can still tell when he thinks of me. It's a call that is undeniable. We were best friends, and connected from 450 miles away. There was something there, and so when I left my ex-husband, I turned to him. the first intimate contact with him is what began the soul connection between us. There was something undeniably primal about our connection. Raw and uninhibited, yet... there was emotion there as well, deep unrelenting emotion. It's why I say that he broke my heart, and stole pieces of it from me. The pieces he took from me have been fixed, but they'll never be the same again.

Before even that, there was an emotional connection with someone I'll call "J". J was kind and honest, easy to talk to... so easy to talk to, no matter what, I knew I could turn to him. I went on drives him him at night, aimlessly around the downtown area, and we'd park and just... be. Sometimes we'd talk until 3 am... other times we'd just sit in silence with each other. He knew my Ex was no good, though he never said anything about it. I felt a connection with him like a magnet. Our souls did connect, and he is back in my life after a decade of being apart. He's just as I remember him, easy going, readily provides a laugh or a smile. He sees me. Not the me that's flesh and bone, but I swear he sees into my soul. Where the fiance feels my soul, and warms it with his light and energy, J can see it. Even if he doesn't realize it. He's a good friend even now.

Each of these four men are different. Took different approaches to getting close to me, loved me in different ways -- I suspect only on J's part --

The more I thought about the four of them, however, the more I actually started paying attention.

I am a firm believer in astrology. Compatibility between signs. Ex - Aquarius, Fiance - Aries, D - Libra, and J - Scorpio.

Me? I'm a Pisces. Through and through, the fishes were meant for me.

A few articles regarding the Pisces - http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/pisces.htm
http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/pisces/
http://www.astrology.com/article/zodiac-signs-pisces-sun-sign.html

Find it funny though, all of those say that Scorpio is the best match for me.

So... Why don't I start there, hmm? Oldest connection to the newest. -- and no I'm not doing anything with the Ex.







So... this is what multiple sites have to say about J's zodiac. (Also, a tidbit, it's my Tiger's zodiac sign as well.)
http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/scorpio.htm  I love how this article uses the word "magnetically" .... That's how I described our connection. And being intuitive... how he sees my soul. MM-hmm...
http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/dating-scorpio-man.htm  The only zodiac to get its own guide!
http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/scorpio/
http://www.astrology.com/article/zodiac-signs-scorpio-sun-sign.html
http://www.awakeningpeople.com/understanding-scorpio-the-scorpion.html
http://www.awakeningpeople.com/tidbits-about-scorpio.html   I LOVE this, the tidbits. I wish the site had one for Pisces. I believe that all of these fit J to a T.

Onto D's zodiac. Libra.
http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/libra.htm  -- Not all of this fits him, but the self centered and lazy aspect?? yeahhhh.... All him, me me me me me... need to talk about you? I'll give you five minutes. Flatter him, and "worship" him, and ohh yes, wrapped around your finger. Codependent? OHHHH YEAH.
http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/libra/
http://www.astrology.com/article/zodiac-signs-libra-sun-sign.html
http://www.awakeningpeople.com/understanding-your-libra.html
http://www.awakeningpeople.com/tidbits-about-libra.html  A Majority of these fit D. Especially the romantic, and stamina part..... *wipes brow*

Now... onto probably one of the most oddest Aries I've ever met! The Fiance.
http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/aries.htm This really describes him. An Alpha personality through and through. EXCEPT for the temperament. He's very level headed.
http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/aries/
http://www.astrology.com/article/zodiac-signs-aries-sun-sign.html
http://www.awakeningpeople.com/understanding-aries-the-ram.html -- just that beginning... yup, sounds like the fiance! LOL
http://www.awakeningpeople.com/aries-the-ram.html  Not all of these are applicable to him... I don't understand why it says that Aries is least compatible with Pisces... perhaps the overbearing nature Aries normally have? But Pisces are nurturers who'll appeal to Aries' ego.

Going off of the compatibility thing - I found another site that breaks down both sides of a hypothetical relationship, I love these, and I believe I've read them before.

Scorpio and Pisces

Libra and Pisces

Aries and Pisces





It's weird to look back on the intimacies I've had with the three I focused on for the sake of the blog. The what ifs.... But also, seeing the break downs of personalities and knowing my own, a lot fits. It makes sense why D didn't work out. As for J and I... Timing was all wrong. Very very wrong. For the fiance and I.... There are times where you just.... KNOW. That was it with him.

I do take these types of things into account when I'm writing as well. I know the character's birthdays, and I do look up astrology signs to see if the birthday I picked for them matches their personality or not.

Like a Pisces -- focused on the dream world. Fascinated with the unknown, the uncommon, the mystical and magikal.

I did a lot of writing last night, put down 5k in my WIP, and I'm proud to say that I finished my first D/s sex scene. it took a little bit to listen to them to figure out what they both wanted from it and how they would react, but once I listened.... HOO BOY it FLOWED, and it's sexy and sweet, and kindle melting.

Writing up that scene actually it what started my reflecting, because I'd started it a while ago, just a premise of a woman with two little girls losing her husband, and finding new love in her best friend. It was a story I wanted to explore, but as I thought more and more on it, the Dom/sub story came to me. I did a lot of research and talking to those in the lifestyle, and the Dom teaching her to trust by using BDSM techniques... yup.

The story will be part of an anthology which is SOOO much fun for me! I get to work with some great authors, and I'm really excited.

So... perhaps reflecting isn't always dangerous... but if you dwell too much on the past and those "what ifs" it can tend to hurt emotionally far too much. .... *snort* spoken like a true Pisces, right? LOL!!

Want me to look up your signs, and compatibility? Leave me a comment and I'll get you the links laid out like I did here :)  

Absolutely beautiful!! 

Organization pics!

So I promised a couple of days ago that I would show my organization genius moment. That day has come. I'm actually really proud of what I accomplished. I didn't spend a WHOLE lot doing it either. Maybe... 100 tops? I'll break it down for y'all so you'll see what I mean.

First up is my living room, which, as I said I struggled with to keep straight. It still might look cluttered, but trust me when I say, THIS my loves, is organized!

You'll see, I've obviously got the laptop open, my massage makes me happy water bottle, which is really needing a refill... My day planner and a lil notebook. But the gem is the treasure holding my pens, lint roller, and assorted MISC items that I constantly have on hand. Got that at Dollar general for three bucks. Go look at Walmart or Staples? It'd be upwards of $10 for something that awesome.
The timer? That's for the kids. They have their own schedules for the afternoons to keep us all on track so everything gets done, that's actually what I"m working on with the bright post it tablets when I'm done with this blog post.

Here is under the table.. and yes my shoes, 'cause I have issues with just kicking them off by the couch and leaving them there. The black cube holds all my yarn for the Bug's blanket. The teal, all my notebooks, coloring supplies and MISC assorted fliers and such I want to look through. Next to it? All my freaking post it notes. I have kind of an obsession with them. It's ridiculous, really. Beside THAT is the almighty massage item basket. I think I need a bigger one to be honest... I should probably get a box or something to carry my stuff in for my new job.

I also did my bookshelf, which I"m ridiculously proud of, btw. Black tote on left? All my books that I've either read and want to keep, or haven't read yet and have been meaning too. My World of Darkness play books, story guides, and papers in the accordion file. THEN all my text books from school, which is still coming in handy! My purple binder holds all my important, must have on hand documents like birth certificates, immunization records, pay stubs, tax records... the whole 9. You really need something like that in the house. a central spot for all that stuff. Black tote on right; All my plotting notebooks, clipboard, and assorted office supplies, like the three hole punch and the slicer. The things underneath are mostly the fiance's stuff, but I have my photo album, cook books and a couple of binders for massage stuff.

Also, this was done before, but I consolidated a bunch of stuff into my extra cube...

Sorry for it being blurry, but I've got our board games up there, all my convention goodies in the box, and the stuff that was just cluttered on the shelves in the black cube. and yes, that is an unsightly accordion file folder. It's holding ALL of my documents from my divorce. 

The cubes were all $4 a piece from Dollar General. The small pins under the table, and the larger ones on the bookshelf were $3 there. and like I said, the pen organizer was $3. The box was $1 from there as well! So for my organization, $28. The shelf itself is a re-purposed bookshelf! The fiance is a handyman ;) 

Onto my ridiculously cluttered junk drawer. OMG it was a MESS!! BUT pick up a few clickable bins from Dollar Tree? Organization! 

Envelopes in the front of the drawer, Misc items in that corner, all large dry erase markers and sharpies in one, small dry erase in another, and clothespins and sewing items in the other. in the back? All the freakin' batteries we need to keep in this house to keep things running. I'm sure there's a better way to organize, but atm, it works! 

Now... for the kids. 

 -- and now my frickin blogger won't let me put my text beside my pics. UGH! -- 

Ignore the crayon scribblings on the dresser, pretty please, my son being my son... All that was needed to fix his books? A $1 basket from Dollar Tree. 

His toys? That bin has a CUTE airplane on the front, and cost me $8 from Dollar General. Keeps the toys all in it. 

--and yes... my Tiger and Angel are sharing a room. The Bug is needing her privacy.--

My tiger's organization didn't take much either! 

 All bins/baskets, $1 from Dollar Tree. the clear bin was given to us by Fiance's parents. Holds all her barbies, and slides PERFECTLY under the bed right next to her dollhouse! 

As for the Bug... well that's a different story. It took quite a lot to get her situated, because her room had less storage. 

One step at a time... 

 First, the Fiance took a couple of bookshelf pieces from the one we re-purposed and made her a shelf above her dresser and bookshelf. It worked... but things got messy. SO. We went to staples. Found the magazine holders for $5 a piece on clearance. Holds all her music books, notebooks, and extra folders for papers she's holding onto from school. In between each? things that just do not fit into the holders. Along with her flute and Hermione Granger wand to the far left ;) The bins were from staples, and was probably the most expensive thing I bought at $8 and $10 a piece. PLUS a locker shelf to give just a LITTLE more room up there. ran me $7 all from Staples. the girl is still trying to get everything squared away, but... she's a kid. The white basket on the bookshelf? Something I grabbed from PatCatans I think forever ago. She's storing all her art supplies in it. 

The magnifico bookshelf... LOL. Yeah, still working on her skills... All games and puzzles on the bottom shelf, her books above. 

 Simple pieces of duct tape holding her artwork up, a push pin for her purse, and a sturdy outdoor strength self adhesive hook to hold her bookbag off the floor. 

  Couple more of those hooks for her scarves and calendar. 

 This part to me really feels like the most impressive part of the whole room. Up until Sunday, there was no bar in there, no shelf... no nothing. It was just this weird recess in the wall. Finally I begged the fiance to help turn her recess into a closet because she NEEDED the space. And he added the shelf for good measure. Not a clue how much he spent on the 2X4s and adjustable closet rod. The shelf holds extra blankets and her lunch pail since she insists on keeping it in her room. 

The bin under is almost the same as my boy's. $8 from Dollar General, and NOW... all the extra stuffed animals that was all over her bed and the floor -- mostly the floor -- are now stored and out of the way! 

And because quite simply the closet wasn't enough... $1 over the door hooks from Dollar Tree serves as more hanging storage for her extra coats and hoodies. 

It's fantastic having things where it needs to go and organized. You can find everything easily and no hunting and "where's this?!" 

Got any more tips? I love reading organizational tip blogs and seeing hacks on Pintrest!