OHH how I loathe Back to School shopping....

  That dreaded time is here again. Back to school shopping. With the endless freakin' supply lists and the new clothes...

When the HELL did my 8 year old transition to size THREE shoes?! 

And the mommy pulling her hair out because she had to buy 40 damned glue sticks!! Yes you read that right FORTY!!!

Add in the ridiculous amount of pencils and markers... and crayons... -- do kids seriously use THAT many in a school year?!

Is my son REALLY going to use all 30 of his glue sticks and is it seriously necessary to get them ALL in August?!

Now see... I was smart this year and shopped the week after it all was put out. I didn't wait until tax free weekend. I got all the colored pencils and crayons and markers my kids needed and didn't need to go "ARE WE SERIOUSLY OUT OF MARKERS?!" ... 'cause yes, yes they were. and sets of watercolor paints with 8 colors, not ten or 16... 8. we were LUCKY to stumble upon the 8 set among the chaos of those three aisles.

And I do understand that the teachers aren't paid NEARLY enough to get supplies for their rooms. so through the year I'll buy things like sanitizer and tissues and send them in with a kid just randomly.

But I draw the damned line at getting items which will be SHARED by all the damned kids. Uh, no. I buy supplies with my meager paychecks and meager child support -- which ought to be raised in August just so that good for nothing bastard could be forced to help pay for the supplies and clothes but nooooooooo--.... I digress.

I buy MY children the supplies THEY will need. And I get times are tough. But if I can buy my kids the supplies I know they'll need. So can the mom who pays a mortgage on her 300K home with her Iphone and 2016 model car, kids in designer clothes because they're in this specific school district.... My kid's school district is known as the "rich school" ... or it was until the district started open enrollment, which meant the poor families living in rent controlled apartments in the slums of the city we're a township in the suburb of could enroll their kids in our district, but they wouldn't get picked up by the busses.

Truthfully, I'm all for it. Let those kids get a better education by getting into the better school. BUT.

When the parents who DO live in the district get their silk lined panties in a twist because the school needs more money, because they have a lot of welfare kids getting free lunches in the school and need to raise taxes by a marginal percent for a school levy, that's where I have issues. Those silver spoon wielding asshats suddenly don't give two shits about the schools their kids are going to. NO they won't shell out $50 more dollars a YEAR (that's what it would have amounted to this past March) so the schools can fix the shit that's getting broken or install AIR CONDITIONING so the kids don't have heat stroke in June and August - September when they're in school because of the global warming these dumbasses say is all made up and hokum.

And then we all end up with these ridiculous supply lists and get to read this....

Screen shot of the online supply list for my 6th grader.... Please note the ridiculous 7 items that will be in home room and SHARED?! Uhh no. If I'm buying stuff for my kid. It's staying with my kid. Also... please note, the TWO packs of colored pencils they all are required to bring in. One to share, one for personal use.

All three of my kids needed dry erase markers. .... Only ONE of them has their own little dry erase board to use at their desk. So guess who they're for?! Yup. the fuckin' teachers. My kids have TOLD me.... "We don't keep them at our desks, they go to the teachers and she uses them." ..... You mean to tell me that damned teacher can't afford $7 for TWO packages of five dry erase markers that SHOULD last her the entire school year?! Wanna know how I know?

My teacher used three dry erase markers -- a green, a red, and a black -- for an entire 12 month period  writing notes on the board drawing models, playing memory games on our white board. for 104 class days.

I can hear you now.. "Well our kids are in school 180 days! for 6 hours!" ... yeah, but let's do the math here... THREE markers lasted through 104 classes, let's say at 3 hours for that ONE class. that's 312 hours. breaking it back down... 104 hours per marker.

TEN dry erase markers. at 180 school days, at 5 hours. (I say at five, my kids are in school 6 hours. and that is PUSHING it because of a close to an hour lunch, hour long specials where the kids aren't even IN her classroom.... you get the gist.) 180 X 5? 900 hours. that's 90 hours per marker. You see the logic here? BUT the classrooms have 24 kids in it, each kid could bring a back of anywhere from 4 - 8 markers. let's go median and say 6 markers per kid for this teacher -- that's 144 damned markers!!

You're telling me that shit doesn't add up, and she shouldn't have EXTRAS by now? She should have a shit ton of those fuckers built up in a huge ass storage tote somewhere.

That is 144 dry erase markers EVERY year! Considering the average length of a teaching career is.... -- well the NEA says 46% quit after 5 years... but in my district there hasn't been a new opening for teachers in 10 years... I'm going with MY knowledge of this district. -- about 10 years.... that's over  a THOUSAND dry erase markers these bitches should have saved up!

They may need 8 markers a year.... which after 5 years they could put... Boys or girls only bring in the markers... not EVERY damned student. and that's IF.... IF she uses those markers for 5 hours STRAIGHT EVERY school day!

But not in my district, oh no, because we have SCHEDULED two hour early releases and delays for "Additional training for the teachers...." ..... mm-hmm. okay. And honestly I HIGHLY doubt my kids go to school for 180 days. NOR are they in school for 1170 hours (For the mid level students 3rd-5th).

** Cue Jeopardy music whilst I work out the math by looking at the school calendar for the year**

Okay. Added all up, 175 scheduled days -- they DON'T have their inservice days and the delays/early releases scheduled yet. That's 1050 hours. NOT including the scheduled different days, field trips, special events that take them out of the classroom.

Given the levys that HAVE passed in the past they all have the smart boards... which they COULD utilize, but don't. Instead... they'll just hit up the parents for Dry erase markers, index cards, clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, tissues, ziplock baggies.

I understand the teachers not supplying the students with notebooks, pencils, crayons etc.... but teacher specific items should be a HUGE no no to insist on having the parents buy.

Now, I've read blogs, and comments from teachers which state that it's optional, you don't have to get them. THEN PUT IT IN AN "Optional/classroom donations" SECTION!!!! DO NOT put it at the TOP of the list, or stick it in on the bottom of the supply list that makes it seem as if it IS required.

Just for my three kids.... the teachers all want 6 boxes of tissues, 4 TUBS Clorox wipes, 2 packs Ziplock bags, 16 dry erase markers, a package of card stock ---- SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!??!?!!?!!!!!, and finally 4 packs of 3X5 index cards. And I'm well aware... those are for THEM. not the kids. NOT OKAY!

and once again refer to the above screen shot supply list for my 6th grader. Supplies for the WHOLE classroom, Not specifically for my kid. This is utter bullshit.

I have not and will not buy the teacher/classroom shit until (if and when) a note is sent home with my student asking for donations.

I did participate in the donation last year of pencils. My kids's classrooms needed pencils. I got two packs of twenty #2 pencils for the teachers for two classrooms. Not a big deal, yanno? I have bought Clorox wipes, tissue boxes things like that and randomly sent them in. I will do that again this year. but these supply lists are the BANE of my existence.

and I didn't even get to the new clothes for the school year!! Thank the Gods for the Mr's momma, because that woman spent over $600 to get my kiddos new clothes for the year. New jeans, new shirts. SIZE FREAKIN THREE SHOES!!!! two pairs of them for Tiger.

Still two weeks til school actually starts... can it be now? Please.... can it be now?

Yup so it's been a minute...

Been a while since I updated. Life has been.... well let's just say, not cooperating well with me as of late. It sucks, but... that's life.

Kids are out of school for the summer, and I've got them working on projects all summer to keep them occupied.

I had each child pick a foreign country to learn about and they're doing a project complete with research, learning the language, and crafts to go along with it.

Tiger picked Mexico, and she's going first. They've already found some good information and they're excited to tell me about everything they've learned. I found seven crafts for them to do, so every three days they'll be doing one.

Today they're coloring Sugar Skulls for Dia de los Muertos . Of course, I'm getting in on the fun of coloring as well.

Tiger's

Angel's

Bug's

And mine

I had them do these first, because their next one will be masks they design after sugar skulls. They'll have fun with that one too :) 

And the finished projects :) 

Tiger's

Angel's

Bug's

And mine :) 

They are having so much fun with this project, and I'm glad I thought of it to keep their brains working over summer break :) 

OH look! A Vlog!

So yes, I did a vlog today, Check me and my frizziness out below! :)

Took far too long to upload to Youtube. PITA!! Dunno why.

BUT here's the pic of the coloring I've been doing :)

So? Is my first blog stupid, or hilarious, or ...... whatever else? LOL! Let me know what you think.

Link to my instagram is right here: https://www.instagram.com/authorjordanashley/

So you can follow me there in between my blog posts. I update little snaps every other day or so.

OH I also did my first Geocache. SOO much fun finding it! Can't wait to do the next ones!

Until next time!!

Profound Realizations.

 How easy it is to lose yourself in something. Whether it's a good book, a TV show, a movie, writing, coloring, or playing games. Things like these could all be acceptable -- to a point mind you -- to lose yourself in. But there comes a point, a line drawn, where it becomes self defeating. Self destructive.

But those things could be easily dropped, put away for a while, forgotten.

Emotions are harder.

As a species we have emotions that rule us, that allow us to love, to hate, to find joy and sorrow. And while the firsts on the list can overwhelm and overcome us... the hardest of all, and the most self destructive is sorrow. Grief.

Grief is a terrible, terrible monster that looms over you and it sucks. I don't necessarily mean that it's bad/it sucks. I mean it literally sucks. It sucks the life out of you. Tears you down, and allows you to tear others down with you. I have watched grief begin to suck the life out of my family when my grandpa passed back in July. Hell, it sucked the life out of me. It wasn't until maybe two weeks after his passing that I was able to wake up and say "He wouldn't want me like this." And begin to pick up the pieces and move forward. Not on... just forward.

Most recently, I'm watching grief suck the life out of a man I love more than life itself. It's weighing so heavily on him that the tangible energy that was in the house had doubled, and is pressing down on all of us. I will be saging tonight, but I'm not sure how much it can do.

I've offered to be there to listen, to let him just talk to me, tell me what I can do to help him.

Nothing helps. Nothing works, he can't talk to me. Because "You don't understand what goes on in my head. It would terrify you."

Try again.

Credit to Toby Allen - zestydoesthings.tumblr.com   --- amazing artwork!

Because no matter what horrific, deplorable imagery his OCD brain could conjure up, NOTHING could terrify me from him. Nothing could scare me away from him, because despite the images that his twisted brain can come up with, I know the man ruling his body. But no matter how many times I assure him that he couldn't be further from the truth, he falls back on the hardest thing for me to accept.

"You don't understand, you couldn't."

I can't help him. Grief is sucking his soul from him, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. The man I love is there.... he says he loves me, he hugs and kisses me, he goes to work. But it feels as if he's merely pulling strings to appear normal... that he says the words and does the actions so I don't worry. But I can feel his grief, his fury. And it doesn't matter how badly I WANT to help him, if he doesn't accept my hand, stretching out for him, desperately reaching out to pull him from the dark abyss that's threatening to encompass him and steal him from me... If he doesn't reach back... there's nothing I can do.

I'm powerless.

That is the most horrible feeling I've ever had. Being unable to help someone I love. To feel like I can't be trusted by someone whom I love so deeply.

But it doesn't even stop there.

One of my best friends, whom I've known for a decade is dealing with some serious shit. I tell him, you can talk to me. I'm here. I"m here for you.... But even he cannot trust me entirely to talk to. to rant to, to express what makes him turn to his addiction...

All because.... "You don't understand."

And dammit, I'm trying! I'm trying so hard to understand, I WANT to understand. But maybe they're right. Maybe I can't,

At least one of them does appreciate that I want to.

I'll concentrate on fighting my own demons while they fight theirs. and if they reach out for help, all I can do is be there and show them, I'm a woman of my word. I will sit and listen and do what I can to help them. But only when they ask for it.

Which only triggers this little guy to start his whisperings...

Once again, credit to Toby Allen

And that little monster invites this friend along for the ride...

Making for a difficult and tear filled counselling session with my therapist this morning. Gotta keep moving on though... There's a very long to do list and it won't get done if I'm sitting here and not going back out into the windy cold.

Don't stop dating!

If it's one thing I've learned over the years about being in a working, functional, and happy relationship... Don't take each other for granted. EVER. Because it doesn't matter if you're emotionally invested, or they are, it doesn't matter if kids or families or pets are involved. You can lose what you've come to expect.

Never just assume that the person you're with is happy and content. Don't ever just assume they know you love them. Never think that they know you find them attractive or desirable. You need to make certain by doing simple gestures, telling them, anything!

Remember the affection you showed each other when you first started dating? The small brushes of your hand down their arm, across their back, through their hair? The way you may lay your hand on their cheek when you kissed them?

Those actions should NEVER cease. Ever.

Plan dates. Even if it's in home dates. Even if it's something as simple as pizza and a movie. Even if it means swinging through a gas station and getting a fifty cent chocolate bar or candy they like. Stop along side the road for her and pick queen anne's lace to give her a pretty bouquet.

Even when you move in with each other, get engaged, walk down the aisle.... never stop dating each other. Never stop being ravenous for each other. Remember how it was when you first got together? You couldn't keep your hands off each other. Maybe it was every night, maybe it was once a week, but you found ways to be together, and show your affection for each other. Even if you have to schedule it in, DO IT.

Burn incense, a scented candle, wear a fragrance you know they love. Dress nicely now and then, style your hair, put on your make up, wear the heels, put away the tattered tennis shoes you wear every damned day.

Take the burden of a chore off their hands if they're having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month.

Never let them feel alone! EVER! No matter how frustrated you may get with each other, remember you chose to spend your time with this person, so why is it? Is it humor? Is it the way the silence between you is so comfortable? Is it the way they feel in your arms? Remember it, and show them that!

NEVER stop dating the person your with. Even when you're old and wrinkled and grey, and sex is a thing of the long forgotten past... A gentle kiss on the cheek, holding their hand in public.

Never think it has to be a grand gesture, or expensive. Sometimes it's the little things that matter! It's the THOUGHT put into the gestures, the words, that makes a person feel loved and special. You can't just stop doing them because you do them so often that it loses it's significance.... Oh look, Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I'll just do something nice then.

Really? Think again. Most people don't care for that holiday anymore. Most people want to be told they're loved, and SHOWN they're loved the other 364 days a year (365 this year) Once a month, bi weekly... make a point to do something nice and thoughtful for the person you're in love with. Because once the romance is gone... what have you become?

Without romance in a relationship... you're roommates. You're friends with benefits. You're taking that person for granted. You're assuming what you have will always be there.

Romance is what keeps that person around. Romance is what keeps them happy and content. Reminders of why they fell in love with you, and it keeps them falling in love with you every day.

Don't ever forget romance. It's not just a book genre. It's a way of loving someone. It's showing appreciation.

Never. Ever. Stop. Dating.

Tangible Grief

This past weekend was probably one of the hardest my household has had to endure. Coming in second only to my own grandfather's passing, the Fiance lost someone very special to him Friday night.

He has owned only one pet since I met him 3 1/2 years ago (almost 4 years now) A bearded dragon named Padmae. I thought... okay... it's a reptile.

A lizard. This guy has a lizard as a pet. Okay.... no big deal. My grade school best friend had an iguana... that fucker was HUGE. Can't be that bad, right?


Not. At. All!

Padmae was probably the coolest looking reptile I've ever seen in my LIFE.

She SMILED! She smiled in reaction to things that happened here. To the kids, to me yelling at the kids... She particularly enjoyed that .... Dunno why really.

When the fiance would put on classic rock, she would smile just like she is in this pic, if not wider. They say that Beardies will open their mouths like that to cool off, kinda like a dog panting since there's no sweat glands? No... No, Padmae SMILED. She knew what was up, and had one of the largest personalities a reptile could probably ever have. Padmae had a SOUL.



 But unfortunately, two weeks ago, she got sick. Right about after the pic beside here was taken. She was having problems moving, didn't eat, wasn't having any bowel movements at all. Naturally the Fiance was really worried about her, and so took her to the vet. The vet, as always told the Fiance how well cared for she was and that she may have injured one of her front legs, as she reacted to having it messed with. So he gave her pain killers, which seemed to help. For a while. But she kept getting worse. WEird bumps appeared at the back hips. Fiance thought she may have been impacted - which can happen if they don't poop for a while. Which... hadn't happened. So... on with the oil injections, which she HAAAATED but it needed to be done. We also, since she still hadn't eaten anything in a long time, started giving her baby food injections to get calories in her. She was getting weaker.

Then she started having problems breathing, and the Vet thought maybe it was a cold. But she's had an upper respiratory infection before. It wasn't like this, she still ate... this was different. The vet couldn't explain it.

Thursday night she was doing okay, Fiance got held over at work, and didn't get home until 3. Apparently when he got home she wasn't doing so well. She couldn't breathe and freaked out. She was having mucus collecting in her throat, and didn't have the ability to get rid of it, She couldn't swallow it, couldn't spit it out, nothing. So it was suffocating her. Fiance squirted water down her throat and soothed her. Got her alright again.

Friday morning then -- about three hours later, I got up, and she wasn't moving. She constantly had her mouth open trying to breathe. I got the kids onto the bus, and was keeping a wary eye on her, watching closely to make sure she was breathing. I couldn't see anything. So I got up and moved over to her tank. She cocked her head to look up at me.

OH THANK THE GODS.

Scared the hell out of me.

Throughout the day she was mouth breathing, but no more freakouts.

I suggested to the fiance to use the plastic syringe to suck some of the mucus out of her throat. It had to help, right?! He did it, but she must have bit down weird on it or something, because she was bleeding a lil bit. But he also cleared her nasal passages. mucus had dried and she couldn't breathe that way either. She was doing good for the rest of the day and evening while Fiance went to work.

I was keeping a close eye on her, but then I worked on my mom's neck for a while. ....

I saw her breathe in really deep while I was standing there talking to her... I saw her take her last breath. I didn't realize it, because she had been really still most of the day, taking shallow breaths. I got Tiger and Angel off to bed, and just as mom was leaving and Bug was about to head to bed, I noticed she wasn't breathing at all...

moved closer to the tank, she didn't move. opened the lid, still nothing. petted her a little, nothing, tried to pick her up... she didn't go limp...

Oh.... fuck.

I was the one freaking out then. What the hell do I do?! I have to be the one to tell my fiance his baby was gone. I remembered immediately how Fiance had to catch me before I hit the vet's floor when I had to put Spooky, my familiar to sleep. I texted his mom asking her for advice, what do I do?! She told me to tell him, because he'd be even more upset if he didn't know when it happened.

So, I sent a simple text. "Baby... she's gone,"

"Fuck. Okay, put a towel over her for me."

So I did. and I waited. and waited. 45 minutes... those were probably one of the longest 45 minutes of my life waiting for him to get home. He walked in the door, most of the lights in the tank were off. He set his bag and cooler down, looked at her cage, and then his grief hit me like a brick wall. Instantly my heart clenched and he turned from the tank to move into the kitchen. He was crying.... actually crying.

He didn't cry like this at his grandparent's funerals. One tear he shed for MaMaw. One. This was complete and utter grief. Sobs. I watched him closely, he's a difficult one to understand what he wants. He went into the bedroom and stood there at the dresser, and I couldn't just leave him be. I held onto him, held him as tightly as I could, telling him how sorry I was.

The sobs were bad enough... but the words he spoke... how the last thing she got from him was pain... How he should have stayed home, because he knew she was going to die. He should have done more. He should have done this, or that.... He lost his baby.

Every self loathing, guilt ridden sentence he spoke broke my heart just a little more. I remembered how Spooky's death effected me. How guilt ridden I was because I didn't get him to the vet sooner. I didn't say much, just held onto him, assured him when I could, and just let him cry.

His grief was so thick, I felt like I was walking through water. It was draining trying to block it to save my strength and not break right along with him. It was my turn to be strong for him, dammit all. And I was. I was as strong as I could be until he asked me while we were in bed if I was that bad with Spooky.... He broke me a little then, and I let out a couple of sobs before I could compose myself and keep him from comforting me then. It was his turn, this was about him and his loss, not mine.

It hurt so much to see him in such pain. He built her a coffin, buried her with one of his T-shirts..... one I bought him.... He wouldn't let me come outside with him when he buried her. But we all watched him from the back windows. I could feel his grief even still.

Yesterday he was finally a little better. Got some of his humor back. made little remarks and touches that he hadn't done in a couple of weeks. He was so worried about her, but it was like after he came to terms with her being gone, that stress was gone and he was on his way to being himself again.

It's never easy losing a pet, a companion, a familiar. and I completely believe that Padmae was Fiance's familiar. She had a life and energy that went beyond a normal animal. She had an attitude, sass, and a sense of humor.

the desk sits empty now... it's hard to not have her lights there anymore. We put everything out in the shed, not to be looked at for two or more months. He will never have another beardie. and I can't blame him. He might change his mind one day, but today isn't that day.

Senator Padmae, you were loved, and cherished, and spoiled rotten. Be at peace waiting for him.

Drama, drama, drama....

You'd think since I left the chiropractic office I wouldn't be subjected to their never ending litany of bullshit.

..... You'd think.

However, that's not the case as last week I checked my bank account to see if my douchebag ex had actually paid his child support (He hadn't). Not only did I not have the child support, I was also over drawn by $207!!!

Immediately I'm thinking, how in the hell can this be? Did Bug click something on her Kindle again? Did she make a bunch of purchases?! No, no, no, this can't be happening!

But no, it wasn't my daughter, and it certainly WAS happening. My former employer put a stop payment order on my paycheck! Not only did she take back 202.67, but caused a $12 fee for the chargeback, AND a lovely $33 overdraft fee! I was keeping $37 in my account after getting a bill paid so I could get my meds. and then I couldn't even get THAT!

Overdrawn by $207 and a handful of change, my heart stopped and I thought I was having a full on panic attack. Maybe I was, who knows... But I went down to the bank and tried to sort it out, nothing that could be done since it came from a different bank.

So... I did the only thing I could do in that moment. I sent out a text.

*Boss's name*, I got to find out today you issued a stop payment on the paycheck I received 1/4. I am aware of the whys in the matter, however, that check was also short $225 for referrals. Now I know I clearly wrote my daughter's name, my mother's name and *patient name* - a friend of the family's name on the time sheet. My not receiving that I had considered my debt to you repaid. In stopping that check, you have now made it impossible for me to get needed medication, and overdrew my account. I worked for that money and I am entitled to it. I want another check cut for the $202.67 that I'm owed, and you can consider the unpayment of the three referrals as making whatever you think I owe you finished. 

Well, not only did I not receive a message back, but I also didn't get any notification that she intended to do anything of the sort. 

The next day I got a phone call from her while I was writing (attempting, not succeeding). It went to voice mail, but she didn't leave a message. I was too pissed off to do anything to return the contact until the following day, in which I figured, if there is going to be a conversation I'm going to have physical proof that she doesn't intend on giving me what I"m rightfully entitled to. 

So, another text was sent.

I see you attempted to call me yesterday. I don't think there's anything to say on this issue. It's very clear what needs to happen. If you feel the need to clarify which references to which I was owed, *Bug's name*, *Mom's name*, and *Patient name*. Your daughter also promised I would get referral credit for *J's full name*, but I wasn't holding my breath on that. I expected a paycheck for my final 6 days Monday, plus the $202.67 you retracted unlawfully. 

This is all I believe needs to be said, but if you feel the need to add anything, it will need to be done through text.

I then received nothing over the weekend, and nothing yesterday... payday. So... one more text went out this morning. 

I do truly hope my final paycheck is waiting at the Sandusky office for me. If it is not, I wish to direct you to, www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/final-paycheck-employee-rights-chart-29882.html

Truly you had until the 15th for it by legality's sake. 

Nothing in return. Apparently radio silence is what I'm going to be getting. 

MMKay then. Let's play hardball, lady. 

Tomorrow I don't have my kids as they'll be back in school (FINALLY!!!! this has been a LONG weekend) So I'll be making a trip down there to get that check. Here's hoping they won't try to be stupid and make me take them to small claims court. Because I will do it. I"m also willing to look up previous LMTs from the Sandusky office and see exactly why they left. I'm intrigued. Especially considering the language used toward me, and the language used to explain why Morgan left. 

Of course I will keep the blog updated on what happens. I have a feeling I"m about to fight a battle. I don't think I'm ready for it either. 

Confrontations and delays.

So, following up from Friday's post about Bug's school issues, the fiance and I did indeed go to the school yesterday afternoon and sat down with the guidance counselor. She seemed oblivious as to my irritation, until I started speaking about Bug's issues. Then she understood, but kept bringing it around to the conversation I had with Mr. K. That wasn't the issue, and I told her that, but it really didn't seem to sink in.

The biggest issue now is M and C and how they've been bullying my daughter. GC told me that she'd actually spoken to the principal Friday about it, and insisted that the girls needed some sort of discipline. Thank the gods.

I strongly.... well... let me rephrase... DEMANDED that all four girls be brought together in the same room, parents be contacted and brought in, as many as possible, and she, and the principal need to sit in on this. If these girls see all these adults brought together over their actions, maybe it'll stress enough to them that what they're doing -- M&C's bullying, and K's lying -- is WRONG.

During this meeting, I want Mr. K there so he and I can explain our conversation, and let Mr K see his daughter's behavior first hand. I REALLY want Mrs. K to be there as well to see what the lack of discipline has made her child into. BUT Mr. K works for the school district, I know he'll at least be present. So K's words will be outed to the girls who swear K isn't lying.

The guidance counselor is 100% for the meeting with these girls, yet she's still going to stress that not only should this meeting take place but the girls need disciplined as well. I'm in complete agreement. Hopefully the fiance will be able to be present.

I looked the GC in the eyes and said, "I'm urging you to have this meeting set up by the end of the week. Preferably before Friday. Because if this isn't taken care of and finished by the end of the week, I will be back in here, and I will take matters into my own hands." Her eyes widened at me, but my "I'm not fucking kidding" look in my eyes shut her up. I finished with "MY daughter - who takes care of her own business herself - is begging me to step in. Either you help me intervene, or I"ll do it myself."

All the GC could do was say "Understood."

Mutha fucka, I will fuck yo shit up! 

However.... I was expecting to hear from the principal today, but because Ohio forgot how to Winter appropriately... School was closed. So here's hoping I hear from her tomorrow, and this meeting can take place on Thursday. We'll see.

I will put an end to this. Hands are no longer tied, The Tigermom is out.

Hopefully soon I won't have to worry about the girls anymore, and Bug can go back to having a peaceful school environment.

And then we can go back to this instead:

I haven't gotten to write much in the last couple of days, but I need to, badly. Just housework and everything else catching up with me *cries* 

OH! I'm also starting a project with a friend of mine, he runs an IT business here in town, and OMG his office is an OCD nightmare. I don't even have OCD and I twitch going in there. So I'll be organizing it for him and his business partner. I'm makin' em pay me too! LOL Gonna see if they'll be alright letting me post up before and after pics :) 

Til tomorrow! Send some energy my way, would ya? 

A mother's job is never done.

I do everything I can to be a good mom. I'm told that I'm an amazing one, doing a great job with my kids, praised on how well behaved they are in public. I strive to have decent kids who'll grow into responsible and respectful adults. I saw a quote once, I believe it was from Louis CK - I'm raising the adults they will become. I hadn't given it much thought until I read that quote, but it fits my parenting style exactly. I'm working hard to teach them importance of staying on task, teaching them much needed lessons that I didn't have as a child.

I was my mom's only kid, so naturally I was spoiled. But that also meant I had to learn lessons the hard way. The VERY hard way. I want my kids prepared. So I step in very little to help solve problems. I want them to figure it out for themselves, make them think about why something is happening, and what they can do to fix it. Whether it's a toy not cooperating, a fight with a sibling, or even homework. I'll check homework of course, but I want THEM to do it. I had my fill of homework, thank you very much. It's their turn to learn, and how will they learn if I step in and do it for them? Simply giving a child the answer won't help them learn anything.

However...

That being said, my oldest has been having some serious issues this year. It started last year at some point, where her friend K had been telling Bug that her mother didn't like her and Mrs K didn't want bug over there, and didn't want to let K over here to play over the summer. K said many things to Bug that hurt her feelings - though she didn't show it, but as a mom, you can see it in their eyes - but she didn't let it stop her being friends with K.

There was another girl, A, who bullied K relentlessly. Bug was friends with A until she witnessed the bullying happening, then stood up for K, effectively ending that friendship. -- so I was told. Go back to about a month ago, I'm trying to get Bug's friends here for her birthday -- poor girl born 3 days after Christmas... it's not easy for her to have parties. No one RSVPs to her NYE party. It upset ME because I know Bug was upset even if she didn't let it really show.

What upset me more was hearing that K's mother was getting very vocal about Bug, and telling K -- who relayed to Bug -- that Mrs K despised her and didn't want K having ANYTHING to do with Bug. Well that set my hackles up. Mama bear has NOTHING up against Tiger mom. I politely sent a text to Mrs K asking if we could speak to get to the bottom of what was going on, and apologized for Bug if there was something she had done to offend her. Kids will be kids, yanno? Nothing in return. I texted a few more times, NOTHING. Finally two days later I get a call from Mr K. She couldn't even talk to me herself, she sent her husband to talk to me -- who has NO idea what's going through his wife's head or what's going on with his daughter.

He and I spoke, and he informed me that not only has K been lying to Bug about what the mother has been saying, but she's been feeding them a bunch of crap as well. Saying that" A has been staying the night here every weekend, and that we're part of the Illuminati and that A's parents are devil worshippers, and that's why we all get along so well." DIRECT quote from the father. That pissed me the hell off. I let it be known, loud and clear that his daughter is a liar, and perhaps it's time he have an actual talk with her, whether or not he wants to get into the girl drama or not, his daughter is lying to them.

Fast forward to after winter break. Bug is now having issues, because she overheard the conversation between the father and I. She knows everything K has been saying about her, and I know it hurt her down to her soul. She feels betrayed, and I can't help but watch all of this unfold and see the hell I went through my senior year in high school playing out all over again. Bug has two more friends. M and C. C refused to acknowledge ANYTHING from Bug over break, and come to find out it's because K has been lying to C about Bug as well. Then M steps into it, I think she was trying to be peace maker, but when Bug informed M that K has been lying all this time, none of them will believe Bug. She's been trying to talk to the guidance councilor about all of this, pull the girls all down there and talk it out, but it's not going well.

This morning she begged me to come down to the school and talk to K, C, and M and tell them about the conversation had with the father. I told her I can't just go down there and pull three girls who are not related to me out of their classes, no matter how badly I may want to to attempt to stop this foolishness.

Told her that she needs to go to Mrs James first thing this morning when she gets off the bus. Well, apparently she's not easy to find in the morning, so I suggested her going to the office and asking them to page her. Wellll... then she'd have to talk to the new principal instead. I just looked at her and asked her if she really wanted this crap done with. Of course she does... "Then do what you need to do to end this, because I hate seeing you hurting. Do what you have to, and if I'm called, I'll be there in a heart beat." She's worried that if she goes to the principal all the parents will be called. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's what's needed to get all this business into the open.

But regardless, until I get a phone call from the school, I can't do anything to help my baby. It breaks my heart, and puts me on the verge of tears for her. I know this whole situation is bothering her, and hurting her in ways she can't even understand yet. If this concludes with the three girls ceasing their friendship with Bug, I don't know how she'll trust people. For her, with the crap she's been through in the last four years... a lot of it is my fault, moving her around to three different schools in three years... divorcing her father... She's been through hell. and I can do what I need to to try to make things better for her here, encourage her to join clubs and do what she loves to do... But it doesn't mean that she'll adjust easily. it doesn't mean that it'll help her ability to allow people in. She barely lets me in.

Only once has she completely broken down and sobbed in my arms. Oct of 2014. When she gave up on her father because he wasn't showing up for his weekend visitation. I think that's a main reason why she had been keeping the fiance at arm's length for so long. Her own father turned his back on her... who the hell is this new guy, and if her father could do that, he can to, can't get too close.

It just breaks my heart that she's had to grow up and mature as fast and as early as she has. I take the blame for it, believe that I do.

But taking the blame doesn't take her hurt away. It doesn't stop girls from betraying her, it doesn't stop the distrust that will inevitably form in her heart, if it's not there already.

I'm doing my best... but sometimes it feels as if my best isn't enough.

Organization pics!

So I promised a couple of days ago that I would show my organization genius moment. That day has come. I'm actually really proud of what I accomplished. I didn't spend a WHOLE lot doing it either. Maybe... 100 tops? I'll break it down for y'all so you'll see what I mean.

First up is my living room, which, as I said I struggled with to keep straight. It still might look cluttered, but trust me when I say, THIS my loves, is organized!

You'll see, I've obviously got the laptop open, my massage makes me happy water bottle, which is really needing a refill... My day planner and a lil notebook. But the gem is the treasure holding my pens, lint roller, and assorted MISC items that I constantly have on hand. Got that at Dollar general for three bucks. Go look at Walmart or Staples? It'd be upwards of $10 for something that awesome.
The timer? That's for the kids. They have their own schedules for the afternoons to keep us all on track so everything gets done, that's actually what I"m working on with the bright post it tablets when I'm done with this blog post.

Here is under the table.. and yes my shoes, 'cause I have issues with just kicking them off by the couch and leaving them there. The black cube holds all my yarn for the Bug's blanket. The teal, all my notebooks, coloring supplies and MISC assorted fliers and such I want to look through. Next to it? All my freaking post it notes. I have kind of an obsession with them. It's ridiculous, really. Beside THAT is the almighty massage item basket. I think I need a bigger one to be honest... I should probably get a box or something to carry my stuff in for my new job.

I also did my bookshelf, which I"m ridiculously proud of, btw. Black tote on left? All my books that I've either read and want to keep, or haven't read yet and have been meaning too. My World of Darkness play books, story guides, and papers in the accordion file. THEN all my text books from school, which is still coming in handy! My purple binder holds all my important, must have on hand documents like birth certificates, immunization records, pay stubs, tax records... the whole 9. You really need something like that in the house. a central spot for all that stuff. Black tote on right; All my plotting notebooks, clipboard, and assorted office supplies, like the three hole punch and the slicer. The things underneath are mostly the fiance's stuff, but I have my photo album, cook books and a couple of binders for massage stuff.

Also, this was done before, but I consolidated a bunch of stuff into my extra cube...

Sorry for it being blurry, but I've got our board games up there, all my convention goodies in the box, and the stuff that was just cluttered on the shelves in the black cube. and yes, that is an unsightly accordion file folder. It's holding ALL of my documents from my divorce. 

The cubes were all $4 a piece from Dollar General. The small pins under the table, and the larger ones on the bookshelf were $3 there. and like I said, the pen organizer was $3. The box was $1 from there as well! So for my organization, $28. The shelf itself is a re-purposed bookshelf! The fiance is a handyman ;) 

Onto my ridiculously cluttered junk drawer. OMG it was a MESS!! BUT pick up a few clickable bins from Dollar Tree? Organization! 

Envelopes in the front of the drawer, Misc items in that corner, all large dry erase markers and sharpies in one, small dry erase in another, and clothespins and sewing items in the other. in the back? All the freakin' batteries we need to keep in this house to keep things running. I'm sure there's a better way to organize, but atm, it works! 

Now... for the kids. 

 -- and now my frickin blogger won't let me put my text beside my pics. UGH! -- 

Ignore the crayon scribblings on the dresser, pretty please, my son being my son... All that was needed to fix his books? A $1 basket from Dollar Tree. 

His toys? That bin has a CUTE airplane on the front, and cost me $8 from Dollar General. Keeps the toys all in it. 

--and yes... my Tiger and Angel are sharing a room. The Bug is needing her privacy.--

My tiger's organization didn't take much either! 

 All bins/baskets, $1 from Dollar Tree. the clear bin was given to us by Fiance's parents. Holds all her barbies, and slides PERFECTLY under the bed right next to her dollhouse! 

As for the Bug... well that's a different story. It took quite a lot to get her situated, because her room had less storage. 

One step at a time... 

 First, the Fiance took a couple of bookshelf pieces from the one we re-purposed and made her a shelf above her dresser and bookshelf. It worked... but things got messy. SO. We went to staples. Found the magazine holders for $5 a piece on clearance. Holds all her music books, notebooks, and extra folders for papers she's holding onto from school. In between each? things that just do not fit into the holders. Along with her flute and Hermione Granger wand to the far left ;) The bins were from staples, and was probably the most expensive thing I bought at $8 and $10 a piece. PLUS a locker shelf to give just a LITTLE more room up there. ran me $7 all from Staples. the girl is still trying to get everything squared away, but... she's a kid. The white basket on the bookshelf? Something I grabbed from PatCatans I think forever ago. She's storing all her art supplies in it. 

The magnifico bookshelf... LOL. Yeah, still working on her skills... All games and puzzles on the bottom shelf, her books above. 

 Simple pieces of duct tape holding her artwork up, a push pin for her purse, and a sturdy outdoor strength self adhesive hook to hold her bookbag off the floor. 

  Couple more of those hooks for her scarves and calendar. 

 This part to me really feels like the most impressive part of the whole room. Up until Sunday, there was no bar in there, no shelf... no nothing. It was just this weird recess in the wall. Finally I begged the fiance to help turn her recess into a closet because she NEEDED the space. And he added the shelf for good measure. Not a clue how much he spent on the 2X4s and adjustable closet rod. The shelf holds extra blankets and her lunch pail since she insists on keeping it in her room. 

The bin under is almost the same as my boy's. $8 from Dollar General, and NOW... all the extra stuffed animals that was all over her bed and the floor -- mostly the floor -- are now stored and out of the way! 

And because quite simply the closet wasn't enough... $1 over the door hooks from Dollar Tree serves as more hanging storage for her extra coats and hoodies. 

It's fantastic having things where it needs to go and organized. You can find everything easily and no hunting and "where's this?!" 

Got any more tips? I love reading organizational tip blogs and seeing hacks on Pintrest! 

Diva Drama

So, like I said in my last post, I'm in LOVE with the WWE Universe. I love the matches, and everything attached to it. I used to be this into it when I was like five and my man was Hulk Hogan. 

I kinda have an obsession with Total Divas too. 

I'm gonna give my two cents on the season 4 premiere today. 

First, I'm gonna start off with the Nattie storyline. 

FIERCE BABY!!

Nattie wants a new look, she wants to switch things up, and who could blame her? She's fucking fantastic. Sometimes, yes, she can be overly dramatic and out there, but on S4E1 she is rethinking her look. She even goes to a sex toy shop... and Nattie... honey, never touch a butt plug again... 

But then... going shoulders deep into researching this new look she wants to have, Nattie invites a dominatrix into her home, and this woman... I have to wonder if it WAS a woman, holy hell. 

YIKES!!!!

This woman was crazy. Took TJ down and was ordering him around, seemingly without even asking permission. I think any Domme would know better than to not get permission before doing some shit like that. that was horrible. But Nattie's new look is fierce as hell and fantastic. 

Now... time to dig down into the nitty gritty. This episode was chock full of drama drama drama. 

So, from start of episode, these girls plus Alicia Fox meet up for brunch to catch up and the main focus is the girls wanting to change up their look in front of the Bella twins who were last seen deciding whether or not to renew their contracts. But there is a lil comment about one not pictured and not at the brunch, Eva Marie. It's said that she's at the performance center training in Florida. 

Next thing we know, Nattie is being told by Mark Carrano, the shady son of a bitch that she doesn't really need to worry about changing up her look because it's a PG show, and they're getting Eva back again soon. And why is that? Because she's in LA with a personal trainer. 

Let's break that comment down. 

Eva told all the girls she was going to Florida to the performance center to train with NXT -- what's SUPPOSED to happen. That she was going cross country from where she lives to get back in shape from the emergency surgery she had to have. 

While other divas have worked their asses off, paid their dues, put in their time, trained with NXT, in batting cages, in canning warehouses, Eva gets a personal trainer and gets to sleep in her own bed at night. 

Now I've seen so many comments with people saying how wrong the girls are for bashing Eva... 

Well, not really! Let's think about this. 

Brie has put off having babies that she desperately wants for her career. She's been taken away from her husband when he's gone through neck surgery. 

Trinity has redone her look, broken away from female tag team, and being strictly ring side, and has been in the running to Divas Championship now. 

Paige is British. She doesn't get to see her family much because they're in England, and she's here in the states. She's on the road 250 days a year, barely sleeps in her own bed, pays for a place she barely gets to enjoy. 

Eva? Eva's been catered to, only been in the company for two years. She was a model before hand, she cannot perform or act to save her life, she's boring to watch. She gets to stay where she lives, sleep in her own bed, and have her own personal trainer, and Carrano tells Nattie that they've got big plans for her. 

In real terms? They're pushing Eva up over Nattie who has been in the company forever, Over Trinity who has put in the work, over Paige who is a TWO TIME champ! and what the FUCK has she done to deserve that? 

Well, anyone with half a brain who knows anything about the WWE... You don't get that kind of push without doing something for someone high up. Catch my drift? 

Then Eva catches wind of this... ala Trinity, whom I don't understand why the hell she was standing up for Eva when Eva hasn't done SHIT to deserve this special treatment. Eva plays the victim and tells a ring girl that they're ganging up on her, that they knew she was going to be in LA... NOPE. At the beginning of the ep, one of the twins says straight out, Eva's at the performance center. That means they were told Florida.

Not Cool. 

People say that Nikki should step up her game if she's worried about Eva taking her place. But that's not the thing at all, if anyone cared to pay attention to what was actually said in the episode, it's about paying your dues, putting the damned time in and EARNING that belt. Not having it handed to you because you fucked or sucked your way to the top. 

Eva has always been shown in a very negative light on Total Divas, though she does seem VERY selfish, and only cares about herself, even in her marriage. She only cares about herself. She's out for fame and fortune, and unfortunately for her, now that the girls know about this push, there'll be a lot of "Accidental" injuries coming Eva's way. 

Now her all red everything has painted a target on her back. 

Diva drama in the house.

And yeah, that has truly become my life lately as well. 

I've had a massive blow to the gut this year as far as loss with family goes. Mr Ashley lost his remaining two grandparents. 

I lost my step mom, one of the kindest most gentle souls I've ever known. It was sudden and horrible. A gun shot wound that the coroner ruled a suicide. I don't know what to believe with it. She was an amazing actress, she hid the things my father did to her for so long. She hid the bruises the emotional trauma from everyone. But she lived for her work, taking care of kids, she loved kids. She ran a daycare out of her home. She watched her grandkids on a daily basis. She was loved, she knew she was loved, so much, by so many. 

But why did she have the gun? Why was it loaded? Why did she send her boyfriend a text fifteen minutes before he was supposed to call her to say she loved him, only to not pick up the phone fifteen minutes later? Too many whys and not enough answers. 

I'm still grieving, still trying to put my life back together and move forward. And just when I'm working on that upswing, I also have the looming deadline on my grandpa's life. The man I see as a dad rather than a grandpa. A man I looked up to all my life. A man whose best childhood memories revolved around. A man who only raised his voice to me once in my life. A man I love more than words can possibly say. A man who took care of me, supported me, trusted me, cared for me, raised me,... I can't imagine my life without him in it. He was always there, he was always immortal to me. 

Three years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He took the proper steps, even went through surgery to remove half of his right lung. He then a year later helped me move into my current home. He was strong and fit, and was doing damned good. 

Until a year ago. They came home from Florida and once again he was sick, pneumonia and/or bronchitis again. Stubborn, unrelenting, he went in to get treated, and then found out that the cancer came back. He spent all last summer going through chemo. fought to continue taking treatments when they went back down to Florida for the winter. We weren't sure if he was going to make it home alive. 

All my mother did this entire time was talk about how he was going to die this year, and how horrible it was, and how close she got to him and how no one understands how she feels. I don't even understand how she feels. 

That started driving a wedge between us and I couldn't have the same shit over and over again in my ear. I just couldn't do it. 

As 2015 came and started passing by me, She continued this. even on his birthday three days after mine. "Grandpa doesn't have long." over and over again until I called a halt to it and walked out. 

She's always just texted me information and updates. 

A month ago she did that when hospice was called in. No nice easy, "hey call me when you can, it's about grandpa." No. her text read, "Hospice has been called in. Grandpa has 2 to 3 months to live." No empathy at all. I broke down in class and had to leave early. 

Today, another text from her. "Your grandfather has a week left, nurse told gramma today." [sic]

Absolutely no empathy. cold and heartless. It was always Gramps. ALWAYS. after I turned like 10 I called him gramps. always referred to him that way. Since my step mom passed -- a day before thanksgiving no less-- she has been cold and heartless, because of this exact same thing. She texted me the news instead of calling me. 

I"m sick and tired of her selfish attitude, no one cares about me, no one understands what I am going through. 

I escape... I find an escape, because this fucking reality I'm living in sucks. Losing my dad sucks. facing that sucks. I hate it, I hate when people try to tell me "it's God's will" Well you know what? If God was merciless or if there was a damned god in the first place, he wouldn't allow his people to suffer. He wouldn't let a good man like my gramps to be suffering like this. barely able to breathe, hurting, forgetting things from lack of oxygen to his brain. He wouldn't.... 

If there was any mercy in this world my gramps wouldn't be in this much pain. It wouldn't be this hard to let go. 

In a perfect world, we would be immortal. we wouldn't have to live without the ones we love. But this world isn't perfect. We can only take what we're given, we can take what we work for and what we earn, and try our damnedest to make the best of it. It's all we can do because we aren't immortal. 

Mortality it what we were given. 

That is the reality. 

Even if it's a harsh one.