OHH how I loathe Back to School shopping....

  That dreaded time is here again. Back to school shopping. With the endless freakin' supply lists and the new clothes...

When the HELL did my 8 year old transition to size THREE shoes?! 

And the mommy pulling her hair out because she had to buy 40 damned glue sticks!! Yes you read that right FORTY!!!

Add in the ridiculous amount of pencils and markers... and crayons... -- do kids seriously use THAT many in a school year?!

Is my son REALLY going to use all 30 of his glue sticks and is it seriously necessary to get them ALL in August?!

Now see... I was smart this year and shopped the week after it all was put out. I didn't wait until tax free weekend. I got all the colored pencils and crayons and markers my kids needed and didn't need to go "ARE WE SERIOUSLY OUT OF MARKERS?!" ... 'cause yes, yes they were. and sets of watercolor paints with 8 colors, not ten or 16... 8. we were LUCKY to stumble upon the 8 set among the chaos of those three aisles.

And I do understand that the teachers aren't paid NEARLY enough to get supplies for their rooms. so through the year I'll buy things like sanitizer and tissues and send them in with a kid just randomly.

But I draw the damned line at getting items which will be SHARED by all the damned kids. Uh, no. I buy supplies with my meager paychecks and meager child support -- which ought to be raised in August just so that good for nothing bastard could be forced to help pay for the supplies and clothes but nooooooooo--.... I digress.

I buy MY children the supplies THEY will need. And I get times are tough. But if I can buy my kids the supplies I know they'll need. So can the mom who pays a mortgage on her 300K home with her Iphone and 2016 model car, kids in designer clothes because they're in this specific school district.... My kid's school district is known as the "rich school" ... or it was until the district started open enrollment, which meant the poor families living in rent controlled apartments in the slums of the city we're a township in the suburb of could enroll their kids in our district, but they wouldn't get picked up by the busses.

Truthfully, I'm all for it. Let those kids get a better education by getting into the better school. BUT.

When the parents who DO live in the district get their silk lined panties in a twist because the school needs more money, because they have a lot of welfare kids getting free lunches in the school and need to raise taxes by a marginal percent for a school levy, that's where I have issues. Those silver spoon wielding asshats suddenly don't give two shits about the schools their kids are going to. NO they won't shell out $50 more dollars a YEAR (that's what it would have amounted to this past March) so the schools can fix the shit that's getting broken or install AIR CONDITIONING so the kids don't have heat stroke in June and August - September when they're in school because of the global warming these dumbasses say is all made up and hokum.

And then we all end up with these ridiculous supply lists and get to read this....

Screen shot of the online supply list for my 6th grader.... Please note the ridiculous 7 items that will be in home room and SHARED?! Uhh no. If I'm buying stuff for my kid. It's staying with my kid. Also... please note, the TWO packs of colored pencils they all are required to bring in. One to share, one for personal use.

All three of my kids needed dry erase markers. .... Only ONE of them has their own little dry erase board to use at their desk. So guess who they're for?! Yup. the fuckin' teachers. My kids have TOLD me.... "We don't keep them at our desks, they go to the teachers and she uses them." ..... You mean to tell me that damned teacher can't afford $7 for TWO packages of five dry erase markers that SHOULD last her the entire school year?! Wanna know how I know?

My teacher used three dry erase markers -- a green, a red, and a black -- for an entire 12 month period  writing notes on the board drawing models, playing memory games on our white board. for 104 class days.

I can hear you now.. "Well our kids are in school 180 days! for 6 hours!" ... yeah, but let's do the math here... THREE markers lasted through 104 classes, let's say at 3 hours for that ONE class. that's 312 hours. breaking it back down... 104 hours per marker.

TEN dry erase markers. at 180 school days, at 5 hours. (I say at five, my kids are in school 6 hours. and that is PUSHING it because of a close to an hour lunch, hour long specials where the kids aren't even IN her classroom.... you get the gist.) 180 X 5? 900 hours. that's 90 hours per marker. You see the logic here? BUT the classrooms have 24 kids in it, each kid could bring a back of anywhere from 4 - 8 markers. let's go median and say 6 markers per kid for this teacher -- that's 144 damned markers!!

You're telling me that shit doesn't add up, and she shouldn't have EXTRAS by now? She should have a shit ton of those fuckers built up in a huge ass storage tote somewhere.

That is 144 dry erase markers EVERY year! Considering the average length of a teaching career is.... -- well the NEA says 46% quit after 5 years... but in my district there hasn't been a new opening for teachers in 10 years... I'm going with MY knowledge of this district. -- about 10 years.... that's over  a THOUSAND dry erase markers these bitches should have saved up!

They may need 8 markers a year.... which after 5 years they could put... Boys or girls only bring in the markers... not EVERY damned student. and that's IF.... IF she uses those markers for 5 hours STRAIGHT EVERY school day!

But not in my district, oh no, because we have SCHEDULED two hour early releases and delays for "Additional training for the teachers...." ..... mm-hmm. okay. And honestly I HIGHLY doubt my kids go to school for 180 days. NOR are they in school for 1170 hours (For the mid level students 3rd-5th).

** Cue Jeopardy music whilst I work out the math by looking at the school calendar for the year**

Okay. Added all up, 175 scheduled days -- they DON'T have their inservice days and the delays/early releases scheduled yet. That's 1050 hours. NOT including the scheduled different days, field trips, special events that take them out of the classroom.

Given the levys that HAVE passed in the past they all have the smart boards... which they COULD utilize, but don't. Instead... they'll just hit up the parents for Dry erase markers, index cards, clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, tissues, ziplock baggies.

I understand the teachers not supplying the students with notebooks, pencils, crayons etc.... but teacher specific items should be a HUGE no no to insist on having the parents buy.

Now, I've read blogs, and comments from teachers which state that it's optional, you don't have to get them. THEN PUT IT IN AN "Optional/classroom donations" SECTION!!!! DO NOT put it at the TOP of the list, or stick it in on the bottom of the supply list that makes it seem as if it IS required.

Just for my three kids.... the teachers all want 6 boxes of tissues, 4 TUBS Clorox wipes, 2 packs Ziplock bags, 16 dry erase markers, a package of card stock ---- SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!??!?!!?!!!!!, and finally 4 packs of 3X5 index cards. And I'm well aware... those are for THEM. not the kids. NOT OKAY!

and once again refer to the above screen shot supply list for my 6th grader. Supplies for the WHOLE classroom, Not specifically for my kid. This is utter bullshit.

I have not and will not buy the teacher/classroom shit until (if and when) a note is sent home with my student asking for donations.

I did participate in the donation last year of pencils. My kids's classrooms needed pencils. I got two packs of twenty #2 pencils for the teachers for two classrooms. Not a big deal, yanno? I have bought Clorox wipes, tissue boxes things like that and randomly sent them in. I will do that again this year. but these supply lists are the BANE of my existence.

and I didn't even get to the new clothes for the school year!! Thank the Gods for the Mr's momma, because that woman spent over $600 to get my kiddos new clothes for the year. New jeans, new shirts. SIZE FREAKIN THREE SHOES!!!! two pairs of them for Tiger.

Still two weeks til school actually starts... can it be now? Please.... can it be now?

What is Marriage?

Talking to one of my best friends, I've realized that pushing my wedding back to next year was definitely in good taste. ...

I'll here's a slight embellishment....

And it's not that I don't love the Mr. Far opposite of that. And I hope that much is obvious. But planning a wedding...? it's not anything I'm overly excited about. I'm not excited about the dress, and I should be, you know?

It might have something to do with the fact that he and i have been together 3 and a half years. the second longest relationship I've had. And at this point in my relationship with the ex husband I was pregnant with Bug, and was having a baby shower, hormone riddled, and young and naiive.

I got married on my four year anniversary.

If the Mr. and I get married next year we'll be together 4 years 9 months. Okay, it's later than the 4 year anniversary thing, but it's still messing with me head a bit. I'm supposed to have that dress appointment on the 26th. I don't think that it'll be happening.

But what I said at the end still stands Actions... Actions are what matters the most.

Remember that always.

Profound Realizations.

 How easy it is to lose yourself in something. Whether it's a good book, a TV show, a movie, writing, coloring, or playing games. Things like these could all be acceptable -- to a point mind you -- to lose yourself in. But there comes a point, a line drawn, where it becomes self defeating. Self destructive.

But those things could be easily dropped, put away for a while, forgotten.

Emotions are harder.

As a species we have emotions that rule us, that allow us to love, to hate, to find joy and sorrow. And while the firsts on the list can overwhelm and overcome us... the hardest of all, and the most self destructive is sorrow. Grief.

Grief is a terrible, terrible monster that looms over you and it sucks. I don't necessarily mean that it's bad/it sucks. I mean it literally sucks. It sucks the life out of you. Tears you down, and allows you to tear others down with you. I have watched grief begin to suck the life out of my family when my grandpa passed back in July. Hell, it sucked the life out of me. It wasn't until maybe two weeks after his passing that I was able to wake up and say "He wouldn't want me like this." And begin to pick up the pieces and move forward. Not on... just forward.

Most recently, I'm watching grief suck the life out of a man I love more than life itself. It's weighing so heavily on him that the tangible energy that was in the house had doubled, and is pressing down on all of us. I will be saging tonight, but I'm not sure how much it can do.

I've offered to be there to listen, to let him just talk to me, tell me what I can do to help him.

Nothing helps. Nothing works, he can't talk to me. Because "You don't understand what goes on in my head. It would terrify you."

Try again.

Credit to Toby Allen - zestydoesthings.tumblr.com   --- amazing artwork!

Because no matter what horrific, deplorable imagery his OCD brain could conjure up, NOTHING could terrify me from him. Nothing could scare me away from him, because despite the images that his twisted brain can come up with, I know the man ruling his body. But no matter how many times I assure him that he couldn't be further from the truth, he falls back on the hardest thing for me to accept.

"You don't understand, you couldn't."

I can't help him. Grief is sucking his soul from him, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. The man I love is there.... he says he loves me, he hugs and kisses me, he goes to work. But it feels as if he's merely pulling strings to appear normal... that he says the words and does the actions so I don't worry. But I can feel his grief, his fury. And it doesn't matter how badly I WANT to help him, if he doesn't accept my hand, stretching out for him, desperately reaching out to pull him from the dark abyss that's threatening to encompass him and steal him from me... If he doesn't reach back... there's nothing I can do.

I'm powerless.

That is the most horrible feeling I've ever had. Being unable to help someone I love. To feel like I can't be trusted by someone whom I love so deeply.

But it doesn't even stop there.

One of my best friends, whom I've known for a decade is dealing with some serious shit. I tell him, you can talk to me. I'm here. I"m here for you.... But even he cannot trust me entirely to talk to. to rant to, to express what makes him turn to his addiction...

All because.... "You don't understand."

And dammit, I'm trying! I'm trying so hard to understand, I WANT to understand. But maybe they're right. Maybe I can't,

At least one of them does appreciate that I want to.

I'll concentrate on fighting my own demons while they fight theirs. and if they reach out for help, all I can do is be there and show them, I'm a woman of my word. I will sit and listen and do what I can to help them. But only when they ask for it.

Which only triggers this little guy to start his whisperings...

Once again, credit to Toby Allen

And that little monster invites this friend along for the ride...

Making for a difficult and tear filled counselling session with my therapist this morning. Gotta keep moving on though... There's a very long to do list and it won't get done if I'm sitting here and not going back out into the windy cold.

Color your heart out!

So, stress is a very common thing for adults. You stress about finances, housework, regular work, getting to appointments on time, health, family, friends, traffic, construction, pets, kids.... My God the list could go on, and on, and on!

Me? My stress turns into anxiety, severe anxiety that immobilizes me and turns me into a hermit. I don't want to be out of the house, out of my bedroom, out of bed... hell not even out from under my safe place, under the blankets.

Most days I can cuddle the fiance or my kids and let them de-stress me. I mean my angel (my son) can just climb onto my lap and take a few deep breaths with me and I can calm down. Other times, I need a good book. But then... then I discovered adult coloring books weren't basic coloring books with naughty bits! I found mandalas were the most relaxing things I'd ever seen in my life. Especially when blank and I could fill in those blanks with color! I've bought four or five adult coloring books, most have some sort of mandala/repeating pattern, and it's SO SO very relaxing to lie in bed and color. It brings me to a place of safety, of comfort, of sanity where I can breathe comfortably and let go of everything and just focus on the colors I'm putting to the page. I get to create pieces of art... and I'm really not that good of an artist.

Apparently though, I'm great with colors. Patients in the chiropractic office I'm currently working in have admired the mandalas I've hung in the room I've got. They even inspired a few of my patients to pick up a coloring book of their own to help de-stress them, and have reported health improvements since they started coloring!

This is the book I started with and it's BRILLIANT!!!

http://www.amazon.com/Color-Your-Stories-Coloring-Writers/dp/0692563148

It's got the mandalas on the right side, and lines on the left for plot, protagonist, antagonist, scenes, secondary characters... So that way if you get ideas while you're coloring you can jot them down without putting down the book. I've done quite a few in it, including the one seen on the cover (in my own palate of course)

I use crayola colored pencils, the 50 pack, I love the different colors, and in some of the mandalas you need more than 24 colors to match the palate you go with. Though I did see Cra Z Art has a 72 pack that I want to get.

Yes I'm up at an ungodly hour, scouring over pinterest for organizational ideas for the house. Found a few. I'll post them in the afternoon :) Definitely taking a few to use. I'll show my Bug's room later today as well to show how we worked to organize, even though we aren't completely finished yet.

Stay sane, dolls! We can't afford for all of us to be completely batshit! ;)