Profound Realizations.

 How easy it is to lose yourself in something. Whether it's a good book, a TV show, a movie, writing, coloring, or playing games. Things like these could all be acceptable -- to a point mind you -- to lose yourself in. But there comes a point, a line drawn, where it becomes self defeating. Self destructive.

But those things could be easily dropped, put away for a while, forgotten.

Emotions are harder.

As a species we have emotions that rule us, that allow us to love, to hate, to find joy and sorrow. And while the firsts on the list can overwhelm and overcome us... the hardest of all, and the most self destructive is sorrow. Grief.

Grief is a terrible, terrible monster that looms over you and it sucks. I don't necessarily mean that it's bad/it sucks. I mean it literally sucks. It sucks the life out of you. Tears you down, and allows you to tear others down with you. I have watched grief begin to suck the life out of my family when my grandpa passed back in July. Hell, it sucked the life out of me. It wasn't until maybe two weeks after his passing that I was able to wake up and say "He wouldn't want me like this." And begin to pick up the pieces and move forward. Not on... just forward.

Most recently, I'm watching grief suck the life out of a man I love more than life itself. It's weighing so heavily on him that the tangible energy that was in the house had doubled, and is pressing down on all of us. I will be saging tonight, but I'm not sure how much it can do.

I've offered to be there to listen, to let him just talk to me, tell me what I can do to help him.

Nothing helps. Nothing works, he can't talk to me. Because "You don't understand what goes on in my head. It would terrify you."

Try again.

Credit to Toby Allen - zestydoesthings.tumblr.com   --- amazing artwork!

Because no matter what horrific, deplorable imagery his OCD brain could conjure up, NOTHING could terrify me from him. Nothing could scare me away from him, because despite the images that his twisted brain can come up with, I know the man ruling his body. But no matter how many times I assure him that he couldn't be further from the truth, he falls back on the hardest thing for me to accept.

"You don't understand, you couldn't."

I can't help him. Grief is sucking his soul from him, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. The man I love is there.... he says he loves me, he hugs and kisses me, he goes to work. But it feels as if he's merely pulling strings to appear normal... that he says the words and does the actions so I don't worry. But I can feel his grief, his fury. And it doesn't matter how badly I WANT to help him, if he doesn't accept my hand, stretching out for him, desperately reaching out to pull him from the dark abyss that's threatening to encompass him and steal him from me... If he doesn't reach back... there's nothing I can do.

I'm powerless.

That is the most horrible feeling I've ever had. Being unable to help someone I love. To feel like I can't be trusted by someone whom I love so deeply.

But it doesn't even stop there.

One of my best friends, whom I've known for a decade is dealing with some serious shit. I tell him, you can talk to me. I'm here. I"m here for you.... But even he cannot trust me entirely to talk to. to rant to, to express what makes him turn to his addiction...

All because.... "You don't understand."

And dammit, I'm trying! I'm trying so hard to understand, I WANT to understand. But maybe they're right. Maybe I can't,

At least one of them does appreciate that I want to.

I'll concentrate on fighting my own demons while they fight theirs. and if they reach out for help, all I can do is be there and show them, I'm a woman of my word. I will sit and listen and do what I can to help them. But only when they ask for it.

Which only triggers this little guy to start his whisperings...

Once again, credit to Toby Allen

And that little monster invites this friend along for the ride...

Making for a difficult and tear filled counselling session with my therapist this morning. Gotta keep moving on though... There's a very long to do list and it won't get done if I'm sitting here and not going back out into the windy cold.

A mother's job is never done.

I do everything I can to be a good mom. I'm told that I'm an amazing one, doing a great job with my kids, praised on how well behaved they are in public. I strive to have decent kids who'll grow into responsible and respectful adults. I saw a quote once, I believe it was from Louis CK - I'm raising the adults they will become. I hadn't given it much thought until I read that quote, but it fits my parenting style exactly. I'm working hard to teach them importance of staying on task, teaching them much needed lessons that I didn't have as a child.

I was my mom's only kid, so naturally I was spoiled. But that also meant I had to learn lessons the hard way. The VERY hard way. I want my kids prepared. So I step in very little to help solve problems. I want them to figure it out for themselves, make them think about why something is happening, and what they can do to fix it. Whether it's a toy not cooperating, a fight with a sibling, or even homework. I'll check homework of course, but I want THEM to do it. I had my fill of homework, thank you very much. It's their turn to learn, and how will they learn if I step in and do it for them? Simply giving a child the answer won't help them learn anything.

However...

That being said, my oldest has been having some serious issues this year. It started last year at some point, where her friend K had been telling Bug that her mother didn't like her and Mrs K didn't want bug over there, and didn't want to let K over here to play over the summer. K said many things to Bug that hurt her feelings - though she didn't show it, but as a mom, you can see it in their eyes - but she didn't let it stop her being friends with K.

There was another girl, A, who bullied K relentlessly. Bug was friends with A until she witnessed the bullying happening, then stood up for K, effectively ending that friendship. -- so I was told. Go back to about a month ago, I'm trying to get Bug's friends here for her birthday -- poor girl born 3 days after Christmas... it's not easy for her to have parties. No one RSVPs to her NYE party. It upset ME because I know Bug was upset even if she didn't let it really show.

What upset me more was hearing that K's mother was getting very vocal about Bug, and telling K -- who relayed to Bug -- that Mrs K despised her and didn't want K having ANYTHING to do with Bug. Well that set my hackles up. Mama bear has NOTHING up against Tiger mom. I politely sent a text to Mrs K asking if we could speak to get to the bottom of what was going on, and apologized for Bug if there was something she had done to offend her. Kids will be kids, yanno? Nothing in return. I texted a few more times, NOTHING. Finally two days later I get a call from Mr K. She couldn't even talk to me herself, she sent her husband to talk to me -- who has NO idea what's going through his wife's head or what's going on with his daughter.

He and I spoke, and he informed me that not only has K been lying to Bug about what the mother has been saying, but she's been feeding them a bunch of crap as well. Saying that" A has been staying the night here every weekend, and that we're part of the Illuminati and that A's parents are devil worshippers, and that's why we all get along so well." DIRECT quote from the father. That pissed me the hell off. I let it be known, loud and clear that his daughter is a liar, and perhaps it's time he have an actual talk with her, whether or not he wants to get into the girl drama or not, his daughter is lying to them.

Fast forward to after winter break. Bug is now having issues, because she overheard the conversation between the father and I. She knows everything K has been saying about her, and I know it hurt her down to her soul. She feels betrayed, and I can't help but watch all of this unfold and see the hell I went through my senior year in high school playing out all over again. Bug has two more friends. M and C. C refused to acknowledge ANYTHING from Bug over break, and come to find out it's because K has been lying to C about Bug as well. Then M steps into it, I think she was trying to be peace maker, but when Bug informed M that K has been lying all this time, none of them will believe Bug. She's been trying to talk to the guidance councilor about all of this, pull the girls all down there and talk it out, but it's not going well.

This morning she begged me to come down to the school and talk to K, C, and M and tell them about the conversation had with the father. I told her I can't just go down there and pull three girls who are not related to me out of their classes, no matter how badly I may want to to attempt to stop this foolishness.

Told her that she needs to go to Mrs James first thing this morning when she gets off the bus. Well, apparently she's not easy to find in the morning, so I suggested her going to the office and asking them to page her. Wellll... then she'd have to talk to the new principal instead. I just looked at her and asked her if she really wanted this crap done with. Of course she does... "Then do what you need to do to end this, because I hate seeing you hurting. Do what you have to, and if I'm called, I'll be there in a heart beat." She's worried that if she goes to the principal all the parents will be called. Well, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's what's needed to get all this business into the open.

But regardless, until I get a phone call from the school, I can't do anything to help my baby. It breaks my heart, and puts me on the verge of tears for her. I know this whole situation is bothering her, and hurting her in ways she can't even understand yet. If this concludes with the three girls ceasing their friendship with Bug, I don't know how she'll trust people. For her, with the crap she's been through in the last four years... a lot of it is my fault, moving her around to three different schools in three years... divorcing her father... She's been through hell. and I can do what I need to to try to make things better for her here, encourage her to join clubs and do what she loves to do... But it doesn't mean that she'll adjust easily. it doesn't mean that it'll help her ability to allow people in. She barely lets me in.

Only once has she completely broken down and sobbed in my arms. Oct of 2014. When she gave up on her father because he wasn't showing up for his weekend visitation. I think that's a main reason why she had been keeping the fiance at arm's length for so long. Her own father turned his back on her... who the hell is this new guy, and if her father could do that, he can to, can't get too close.

It just breaks my heart that she's had to grow up and mature as fast and as early as she has. I take the blame for it, believe that I do.

But taking the blame doesn't take her hurt away. It doesn't stop girls from betraying her, it doesn't stop the distrust that will inevitably form in her heart, if it's not there already.

I'm doing my best... but sometimes it feels as if my best isn't enough.

Color your heart out!

So, stress is a very common thing for adults. You stress about finances, housework, regular work, getting to appointments on time, health, family, friends, traffic, construction, pets, kids.... My God the list could go on, and on, and on!

Me? My stress turns into anxiety, severe anxiety that immobilizes me and turns me into a hermit. I don't want to be out of the house, out of my bedroom, out of bed... hell not even out from under my safe place, under the blankets.

Most days I can cuddle the fiance or my kids and let them de-stress me. I mean my angel (my son) can just climb onto my lap and take a few deep breaths with me and I can calm down. Other times, I need a good book. But then... then I discovered adult coloring books weren't basic coloring books with naughty bits! I found mandalas were the most relaxing things I'd ever seen in my life. Especially when blank and I could fill in those blanks with color! I've bought four or five adult coloring books, most have some sort of mandala/repeating pattern, and it's SO SO very relaxing to lie in bed and color. It brings me to a place of safety, of comfort, of sanity where I can breathe comfortably and let go of everything and just focus on the colors I'm putting to the page. I get to create pieces of art... and I'm really not that good of an artist.

Apparently though, I'm great with colors. Patients in the chiropractic office I'm currently working in have admired the mandalas I've hung in the room I've got. They even inspired a few of my patients to pick up a coloring book of their own to help de-stress them, and have reported health improvements since they started coloring!

This is the book I started with and it's BRILLIANT!!!

http://www.amazon.com/Color-Your-Stories-Coloring-Writers/dp/0692563148

It's got the mandalas on the right side, and lines on the left for plot, protagonist, antagonist, scenes, secondary characters... So that way if you get ideas while you're coloring you can jot them down without putting down the book. I've done quite a few in it, including the one seen on the cover (in my own palate of course)

I use crayola colored pencils, the 50 pack, I love the different colors, and in some of the mandalas you need more than 24 colors to match the palate you go with. Though I did see Cra Z Art has a 72 pack that I want to get.

Yes I'm up at an ungodly hour, scouring over pinterest for organizational ideas for the house. Found a few. I'll post them in the afternoon :) Definitely taking a few to use. I'll show my Bug's room later today as well to show how we worked to organize, even though we aren't completely finished yet.

Stay sane, dolls! We can't afford for all of us to be completely batshit! ;)