Tangible Grief

This past weekend was probably one of the hardest my household has had to endure. Coming in second only to my own grandfather's passing, the Fiance lost someone very special to him Friday night.

He has owned only one pet since I met him 3 1/2 years ago (almost 4 years now) A bearded dragon named Padmae. I thought... okay... it's a reptile.

A lizard. This guy has a lizard as a pet. Okay.... no big deal. My grade school best friend had an iguana... that fucker was HUGE. Can't be that bad, right?


Not. At. All!

Padmae was probably the coolest looking reptile I've ever seen in my LIFE.

She SMILED! She smiled in reaction to things that happened here. To the kids, to me yelling at the kids... She particularly enjoyed that .... Dunno why really.

When the fiance would put on classic rock, she would smile just like she is in this pic, if not wider. They say that Beardies will open their mouths like that to cool off, kinda like a dog panting since there's no sweat glands? No... No, Padmae SMILED. She knew what was up, and had one of the largest personalities a reptile could probably ever have. Padmae had a SOUL.



 But unfortunately, two weeks ago, she got sick. Right about after the pic beside here was taken. She was having problems moving, didn't eat, wasn't having any bowel movements at all. Naturally the Fiance was really worried about her, and so took her to the vet. The vet, as always told the Fiance how well cared for she was and that she may have injured one of her front legs, as she reacted to having it messed with. So he gave her pain killers, which seemed to help. For a while. But she kept getting worse. WEird bumps appeared at the back hips. Fiance thought she may have been impacted - which can happen if they don't poop for a while. Which... hadn't happened. So... on with the oil injections, which she HAAAATED but it needed to be done. We also, since she still hadn't eaten anything in a long time, started giving her baby food injections to get calories in her. She was getting weaker.

Then she started having problems breathing, and the Vet thought maybe it was a cold. But she's had an upper respiratory infection before. It wasn't like this, she still ate... this was different. The vet couldn't explain it.

Thursday night she was doing okay, Fiance got held over at work, and didn't get home until 3. Apparently when he got home she wasn't doing so well. She couldn't breathe and freaked out. She was having mucus collecting in her throat, and didn't have the ability to get rid of it, She couldn't swallow it, couldn't spit it out, nothing. So it was suffocating her. Fiance squirted water down her throat and soothed her. Got her alright again.

Friday morning then -- about three hours later, I got up, and she wasn't moving. She constantly had her mouth open trying to breathe. I got the kids onto the bus, and was keeping a wary eye on her, watching closely to make sure she was breathing. I couldn't see anything. So I got up and moved over to her tank. She cocked her head to look up at me.

OH THANK THE GODS.

Scared the hell out of me.

Throughout the day she was mouth breathing, but no more freakouts.

I suggested to the fiance to use the plastic syringe to suck some of the mucus out of her throat. It had to help, right?! He did it, but she must have bit down weird on it or something, because she was bleeding a lil bit. But he also cleared her nasal passages. mucus had dried and she couldn't breathe that way either. She was doing good for the rest of the day and evening while Fiance went to work.

I was keeping a close eye on her, but then I worked on my mom's neck for a while. ....

I saw her breathe in really deep while I was standing there talking to her... I saw her take her last breath. I didn't realize it, because she had been really still most of the day, taking shallow breaths. I got Tiger and Angel off to bed, and just as mom was leaving and Bug was about to head to bed, I noticed she wasn't breathing at all...

moved closer to the tank, she didn't move. opened the lid, still nothing. petted her a little, nothing, tried to pick her up... she didn't go limp...

Oh.... fuck.

I was the one freaking out then. What the hell do I do?! I have to be the one to tell my fiance his baby was gone. I remembered immediately how Fiance had to catch me before I hit the vet's floor when I had to put Spooky, my familiar to sleep. I texted his mom asking her for advice, what do I do?! She told me to tell him, because he'd be even more upset if he didn't know when it happened.

So, I sent a simple text. "Baby... she's gone,"

"Fuck. Okay, put a towel over her for me."

So I did. and I waited. and waited. 45 minutes... those were probably one of the longest 45 minutes of my life waiting for him to get home. He walked in the door, most of the lights in the tank were off. He set his bag and cooler down, looked at her cage, and then his grief hit me like a brick wall. Instantly my heart clenched and he turned from the tank to move into the kitchen. He was crying.... actually crying.

He didn't cry like this at his grandparent's funerals. One tear he shed for MaMaw. One. This was complete and utter grief. Sobs. I watched him closely, he's a difficult one to understand what he wants. He went into the bedroom and stood there at the dresser, and I couldn't just leave him be. I held onto him, held him as tightly as I could, telling him how sorry I was.

The sobs were bad enough... but the words he spoke... how the last thing she got from him was pain... How he should have stayed home, because he knew she was going to die. He should have done more. He should have done this, or that.... He lost his baby.

Every self loathing, guilt ridden sentence he spoke broke my heart just a little more. I remembered how Spooky's death effected me. How guilt ridden I was because I didn't get him to the vet sooner. I didn't say much, just held onto him, assured him when I could, and just let him cry.

His grief was so thick, I felt like I was walking through water. It was draining trying to block it to save my strength and not break right along with him. It was my turn to be strong for him, dammit all. And I was. I was as strong as I could be until he asked me while we were in bed if I was that bad with Spooky.... He broke me a little then, and I let out a couple of sobs before I could compose myself and keep him from comforting me then. It was his turn, this was about him and his loss, not mine.

It hurt so much to see him in such pain. He built her a coffin, buried her with one of his T-shirts..... one I bought him.... He wouldn't let me come outside with him when he buried her. But we all watched him from the back windows. I could feel his grief even still.

Yesterday he was finally a little better. Got some of his humor back. made little remarks and touches that he hadn't done in a couple of weeks. He was so worried about her, but it was like after he came to terms with her being gone, that stress was gone and he was on his way to being himself again.

It's never easy losing a pet, a companion, a familiar. and I completely believe that Padmae was Fiance's familiar. She had a life and energy that went beyond a normal animal. She had an attitude, sass, and a sense of humor.

the desk sits empty now... it's hard to not have her lights there anymore. We put everything out in the shed, not to be looked at for two or more months. He will never have another beardie. and I can't blame him. He might change his mind one day, but today isn't that day.

Senator Padmae, you were loved, and cherished, and spoiled rotten. Be at peace waiting for him.

Diva Drama

So, like I said in my last post, I'm in LOVE with the WWE Universe. I love the matches, and everything attached to it. I used to be this into it when I was like five and my man was Hulk Hogan. 

I kinda have an obsession with Total Divas too. 

I'm gonna give my two cents on the season 4 premiere today. 

First, I'm gonna start off with the Nattie storyline. 

FIERCE BABY!!

Nattie wants a new look, she wants to switch things up, and who could blame her? She's fucking fantastic. Sometimes, yes, she can be overly dramatic and out there, but on S4E1 she is rethinking her look. She even goes to a sex toy shop... and Nattie... honey, never touch a butt plug again... 

But then... going shoulders deep into researching this new look she wants to have, Nattie invites a dominatrix into her home, and this woman... I have to wonder if it WAS a woman, holy hell. 

YIKES!!!!

This woman was crazy. Took TJ down and was ordering him around, seemingly without even asking permission. I think any Domme would know better than to not get permission before doing some shit like that. that was horrible. But Nattie's new look is fierce as hell and fantastic. 

Now... time to dig down into the nitty gritty. This episode was chock full of drama drama drama. 

So, from start of episode, these girls plus Alicia Fox meet up for brunch to catch up and the main focus is the girls wanting to change up their look in front of the Bella twins who were last seen deciding whether or not to renew their contracts. But there is a lil comment about one not pictured and not at the brunch, Eva Marie. It's said that she's at the performance center training in Florida. 

Next thing we know, Nattie is being told by Mark Carrano, the shady son of a bitch that she doesn't really need to worry about changing up her look because it's a PG show, and they're getting Eva back again soon. And why is that? Because she's in LA with a personal trainer. 

Let's break that comment down. 

Eva told all the girls she was going to Florida to the performance center to train with NXT -- what's SUPPOSED to happen. That she was going cross country from where she lives to get back in shape from the emergency surgery she had to have. 

While other divas have worked their asses off, paid their dues, put in their time, trained with NXT, in batting cages, in canning warehouses, Eva gets a personal trainer and gets to sleep in her own bed at night. 

Now I've seen so many comments with people saying how wrong the girls are for bashing Eva... 

Well, not really! Let's think about this. 

Brie has put off having babies that she desperately wants for her career. She's been taken away from her husband when he's gone through neck surgery. 

Trinity has redone her look, broken away from female tag team, and being strictly ring side, and has been in the running to Divas Championship now. 

Paige is British. She doesn't get to see her family much because they're in England, and she's here in the states. She's on the road 250 days a year, barely sleeps in her own bed, pays for a place she barely gets to enjoy. 

Eva? Eva's been catered to, only been in the company for two years. She was a model before hand, she cannot perform or act to save her life, she's boring to watch. She gets to stay where she lives, sleep in her own bed, and have her own personal trainer, and Carrano tells Nattie that they've got big plans for her. 

In real terms? They're pushing Eva up over Nattie who has been in the company forever, Over Trinity who has put in the work, over Paige who is a TWO TIME champ! and what the FUCK has she done to deserve that? 

Well, anyone with half a brain who knows anything about the WWE... You don't get that kind of push without doing something for someone high up. Catch my drift? 

Then Eva catches wind of this... ala Trinity, whom I don't understand why the hell she was standing up for Eva when Eva hasn't done SHIT to deserve this special treatment. Eva plays the victim and tells a ring girl that they're ganging up on her, that they knew she was going to be in LA... NOPE. At the beginning of the ep, one of the twins says straight out, Eva's at the performance center. That means they were told Florida.

Not Cool. 

People say that Nikki should step up her game if she's worried about Eva taking her place. But that's not the thing at all, if anyone cared to pay attention to what was actually said in the episode, it's about paying your dues, putting the damned time in and EARNING that belt. Not having it handed to you because you fucked or sucked your way to the top. 

Eva has always been shown in a very negative light on Total Divas, though she does seem VERY selfish, and only cares about herself, even in her marriage. She only cares about herself. She's out for fame and fortune, and unfortunately for her, now that the girls know about this push, there'll be a lot of "Accidental" injuries coming Eva's way. 

Now her all red everything has painted a target on her back. 

Diva drama in the house.

And yeah, that has truly become my life lately as well. 

I've had a massive blow to the gut this year as far as loss with family goes. Mr Ashley lost his remaining two grandparents. 

I lost my step mom, one of the kindest most gentle souls I've ever known. It was sudden and horrible. A gun shot wound that the coroner ruled a suicide. I don't know what to believe with it. She was an amazing actress, she hid the things my father did to her for so long. She hid the bruises the emotional trauma from everyone. But she lived for her work, taking care of kids, she loved kids. She ran a daycare out of her home. She watched her grandkids on a daily basis. She was loved, she knew she was loved, so much, by so many. 

But why did she have the gun? Why was it loaded? Why did she send her boyfriend a text fifteen minutes before he was supposed to call her to say she loved him, only to not pick up the phone fifteen minutes later? Too many whys and not enough answers. 

I'm still grieving, still trying to put my life back together and move forward. And just when I'm working on that upswing, I also have the looming deadline on my grandpa's life. The man I see as a dad rather than a grandpa. A man I looked up to all my life. A man whose best childhood memories revolved around. A man who only raised his voice to me once in my life. A man I love more than words can possibly say. A man who took care of me, supported me, trusted me, cared for me, raised me,... I can't imagine my life without him in it. He was always there, he was always immortal to me. 

Three years ago he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He took the proper steps, even went through surgery to remove half of his right lung. He then a year later helped me move into my current home. He was strong and fit, and was doing damned good. 

Until a year ago. They came home from Florida and once again he was sick, pneumonia and/or bronchitis again. Stubborn, unrelenting, he went in to get treated, and then found out that the cancer came back. He spent all last summer going through chemo. fought to continue taking treatments when they went back down to Florida for the winter. We weren't sure if he was going to make it home alive. 

All my mother did this entire time was talk about how he was going to die this year, and how horrible it was, and how close she got to him and how no one understands how she feels. I don't even understand how she feels. 

That started driving a wedge between us and I couldn't have the same shit over and over again in my ear. I just couldn't do it. 

As 2015 came and started passing by me, She continued this. even on his birthday three days after mine. "Grandpa doesn't have long." over and over again until I called a halt to it and walked out. 

She's always just texted me information and updates. 

A month ago she did that when hospice was called in. No nice easy, "hey call me when you can, it's about grandpa." No. her text read, "Hospice has been called in. Grandpa has 2 to 3 months to live." No empathy at all. I broke down in class and had to leave early. 

Today, another text from her. "Your grandfather has a week left, nurse told gramma today." [sic]

Absolutely no empathy. cold and heartless. It was always Gramps. ALWAYS. after I turned like 10 I called him gramps. always referred to him that way. Since my step mom passed -- a day before thanksgiving no less-- she has been cold and heartless, because of this exact same thing. She texted me the news instead of calling me. 

I"m sick and tired of her selfish attitude, no one cares about me, no one understands what I am going through. 

I escape... I find an escape, because this fucking reality I'm living in sucks. Losing my dad sucks. facing that sucks. I hate it, I hate when people try to tell me "it's God's will" Well you know what? If God was merciless or if there was a damned god in the first place, he wouldn't allow his people to suffer. He wouldn't let a good man like my gramps to be suffering like this. barely able to breathe, hurting, forgetting things from lack of oxygen to his brain. He wouldn't.... 

If there was any mercy in this world my gramps wouldn't be in this much pain. It wouldn't be this hard to let go. 

In a perfect world, we would be immortal. we wouldn't have to live without the ones we love. But this world isn't perfect. We can only take what we're given, we can take what we work for and what we earn, and try our damnedest to make the best of it. It's all we can do because we aren't immortal. 

Mortality it what we were given. 

That is the reality. 

Even if it's a harsh one.