What is Marriage?

Talking to one of my best friends, I've realized that pushing my wedding back to next year was definitely in good taste. ...

I'll here's a slight embellishment....

And it's not that I don't love the Mr. Far opposite of that. And I hope that much is obvious. But planning a wedding...? it's not anything I'm overly excited about. I'm not excited about the dress, and I should be, you know?

It might have something to do with the fact that he and i have been together 3 and a half years. the second longest relationship I've had. And at this point in my relationship with the ex husband I was pregnant with Bug, and was having a baby shower, hormone riddled, and young and naiive.

I got married on my four year anniversary.

If the Mr. and I get married next year we'll be together 4 years 9 months. Okay, it's later than the 4 year anniversary thing, but it's still messing with me head a bit. I'm supposed to have that dress appointment on the 26th. I don't think that it'll be happening.

But what I said at the end still stands Actions... Actions are what matters the most.

Remember that always.

OH look! A Vlog!

So yes, I did a vlog today, Check me and my frizziness out below! :)

Took far too long to upload to Youtube. PITA!! Dunno why.

BUT here's the pic of the coloring I've been doing :)

So? Is my first blog stupid, or hilarious, or ...... whatever else? LOL! Let me know what you think.

Link to my instagram is right here: https://www.instagram.com/authorjordanashley/

So you can follow me there in between my blog posts. I update little snaps every other day or so.

OH I also did my first Geocache. SOO much fun finding it! Can't wait to do the next ones!

Until next time!!

Profound Realizations.

 How easy it is to lose yourself in something. Whether it's a good book, a TV show, a movie, writing, coloring, or playing games. Things like these could all be acceptable -- to a point mind you -- to lose yourself in. But there comes a point, a line drawn, where it becomes self defeating. Self destructive.

But those things could be easily dropped, put away for a while, forgotten.

Emotions are harder.

As a species we have emotions that rule us, that allow us to love, to hate, to find joy and sorrow. And while the firsts on the list can overwhelm and overcome us... the hardest of all, and the most self destructive is sorrow. Grief.

Grief is a terrible, terrible monster that looms over you and it sucks. I don't necessarily mean that it's bad/it sucks. I mean it literally sucks. It sucks the life out of you. Tears you down, and allows you to tear others down with you. I have watched grief begin to suck the life out of my family when my grandpa passed back in July. Hell, it sucked the life out of me. It wasn't until maybe two weeks after his passing that I was able to wake up and say "He wouldn't want me like this." And begin to pick up the pieces and move forward. Not on... just forward.

Most recently, I'm watching grief suck the life out of a man I love more than life itself. It's weighing so heavily on him that the tangible energy that was in the house had doubled, and is pressing down on all of us. I will be saging tonight, but I'm not sure how much it can do.

I've offered to be there to listen, to let him just talk to me, tell me what I can do to help him.

Nothing helps. Nothing works, he can't talk to me. Because "You don't understand what goes on in my head. It would terrify you."

Try again.

Credit to Toby Allen - zestydoesthings.tumblr.com   --- amazing artwork!

Because no matter what horrific, deplorable imagery his OCD brain could conjure up, NOTHING could terrify me from him. Nothing could scare me away from him, because despite the images that his twisted brain can come up with, I know the man ruling his body. But no matter how many times I assure him that he couldn't be further from the truth, he falls back on the hardest thing for me to accept.

"You don't understand, you couldn't."

I can't help him. Grief is sucking his soul from him, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. The man I love is there.... he says he loves me, he hugs and kisses me, he goes to work. But it feels as if he's merely pulling strings to appear normal... that he says the words and does the actions so I don't worry. But I can feel his grief, his fury. And it doesn't matter how badly I WANT to help him, if he doesn't accept my hand, stretching out for him, desperately reaching out to pull him from the dark abyss that's threatening to encompass him and steal him from me... If he doesn't reach back... there's nothing I can do.

I'm powerless.

That is the most horrible feeling I've ever had. Being unable to help someone I love. To feel like I can't be trusted by someone whom I love so deeply.

But it doesn't even stop there.

One of my best friends, whom I've known for a decade is dealing with some serious shit. I tell him, you can talk to me. I'm here. I"m here for you.... But even he cannot trust me entirely to talk to. to rant to, to express what makes him turn to his addiction...

All because.... "You don't understand."

And dammit, I'm trying! I'm trying so hard to understand, I WANT to understand. But maybe they're right. Maybe I can't,

At least one of them does appreciate that I want to.

I'll concentrate on fighting my own demons while they fight theirs. and if they reach out for help, all I can do is be there and show them, I'm a woman of my word. I will sit and listen and do what I can to help them. But only when they ask for it.

Which only triggers this little guy to start his whisperings...

Once again, credit to Toby Allen

And that little monster invites this friend along for the ride...

Making for a difficult and tear filled counselling session with my therapist this morning. Gotta keep moving on though... There's a very long to do list and it won't get done if I'm sitting here and not going back out into the windy cold.

Don't stop dating!

If it's one thing I've learned over the years about being in a working, functional, and happy relationship... Don't take each other for granted. EVER. Because it doesn't matter if you're emotionally invested, or they are, it doesn't matter if kids or families or pets are involved. You can lose what you've come to expect.

Never just assume that the person you're with is happy and content. Don't ever just assume they know you love them. Never think that they know you find them attractive or desirable. You need to make certain by doing simple gestures, telling them, anything!

Remember the affection you showed each other when you first started dating? The small brushes of your hand down their arm, across their back, through their hair? The way you may lay your hand on their cheek when you kissed them?

Those actions should NEVER cease. Ever.

Plan dates. Even if it's in home dates. Even if it's something as simple as pizza and a movie. Even if it means swinging through a gas station and getting a fifty cent chocolate bar or candy they like. Stop along side the road for her and pick queen anne's lace to give her a pretty bouquet.

Even when you move in with each other, get engaged, walk down the aisle.... never stop dating each other. Never stop being ravenous for each other. Remember how it was when you first got together? You couldn't keep your hands off each other. Maybe it was every night, maybe it was once a week, but you found ways to be together, and show your affection for each other. Even if you have to schedule it in, DO IT.

Burn incense, a scented candle, wear a fragrance you know they love. Dress nicely now and then, style your hair, put on your make up, wear the heels, put away the tattered tennis shoes you wear every damned day.

Take the burden of a chore off their hands if they're having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month.

Never let them feel alone! EVER! No matter how frustrated you may get with each other, remember you chose to spend your time with this person, so why is it? Is it humor? Is it the way the silence between you is so comfortable? Is it the way they feel in your arms? Remember it, and show them that!

NEVER stop dating the person your with. Even when you're old and wrinkled and grey, and sex is a thing of the long forgotten past... A gentle kiss on the cheek, holding their hand in public.

Never think it has to be a grand gesture, or expensive. Sometimes it's the little things that matter! It's the THOUGHT put into the gestures, the words, that makes a person feel loved and special. You can't just stop doing them because you do them so often that it loses it's significance.... Oh look, Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I'll just do something nice then.

Really? Think again. Most people don't care for that holiday anymore. Most people want to be told they're loved, and SHOWN they're loved the other 364 days a year (365 this year) Once a month, bi weekly... make a point to do something nice and thoughtful for the person you're in love with. Because once the romance is gone... what have you become?

Without romance in a relationship... you're roommates. You're friends with benefits. You're taking that person for granted. You're assuming what you have will always be there.

Romance is what keeps that person around. Romance is what keeps them happy and content. Reminders of why they fell in love with you, and it keeps them falling in love with you every day.

Don't ever forget romance. It's not just a book genre. It's a way of loving someone. It's showing appreciation.

Never. Ever. Stop. Dating.